Malaprop du Jour

As if i didn’t have enough going on at the moment, i endured another round with Buzzy McTwatprobe this afternoon*.  In my continued quest to hang onto my girlbits, supplied as OEM** parts, it was off for another ultrasound.  During the pre-procedure preparation, the technician went over my medical history, asking questions about pregnancies, birth control and surgeries.

While listing my hoo hoo-related operations, i told her of the sterilization*** procedure i embraced in 1999.  Having spent enough time with medical professionals over the last decade to earn an honorary MD, i’m pretty clinical in such matters, listing my procedures by title and date (in reverse chronological order). 

daisyfae:  Two C-sections, 1986 and 1988.  Tubal Ligation, 1999….

Twat Tech [interrupting]:  Hold on, that was “Tubal Litigation“?

daisyfae:  Yes.  Exactly…

not the brightest bulb

* Despite rampant urban legends to the contrary, she did not, in fact, find testicles. Large, brass or otherwise…

** “OEM” = “Original Equipment Manufacturer” for the non-motorhead reader.

*** Tubal Ligation, known as ‘having the tubes tied”.  Not willing to leave it to chance, i not only asked for them to be tied, i asked my doc to “cut, tie, clamp, cauterize, staple and superglue the god damned things shut”.

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13 thoughts on “Malaprop du Jour

  1. Aren’t you worried that, with the tubes effectively sealed, the ovaries will fill up and explode?

    Perhaps the tech was concerned about malpractice?

    Hope all is well with the girl-bits and all.

    (I did know what OEM is, btw.)

  2. @UB: Have you changed your moniker to “The Unbearable Baishment”? I noticed it on comments at my blog and now here. What’s up with that?

  3. I basically had the same requests when I had my tubal ligation done in 1995. If it had failed, there would have been some tubal litigation, I fear. Hope all is well in the nether world.

  4. Holy christ hen, mention girly bits that cannae be seen by the naked eye, and most men (me included) tend to retire to the bar and drown out the memory of what we do not fully understand.

    Good luck with it all…

  5. I had the tubal negation too, back in ’83, right after my fourth kid was born. Hubs wouldn’t take his sad sacs down to the v-doc for a couple snips so I had to undergo real surgery to prevent a fifth kid (although, if I hadn’t known I would divorce the bastard, I’d have gone for #5 — oh yes! What’s one more?).

  6. unbearable banishment – “liberation” would probably mean removing them from my body, setting them up in their own apartment and getting them started with an internship or something… oh, and technicians at this practice are all women. not likely to let a man drive the intra-vag probes…

    rob – figured you’d know OEM. the footnote was for my theater friends 😉 If things don’t work out, and i have to have the parts removed, i’ve got a friend who works bio-tech research who has promised to dissect my ovaries so i can count the remaining eggies! wouldn’t that be cool?

    silverstar – still to be determined whazzup. made the unfortunate decision to ride 50 miles today on the bike, which has only left me in a severe degree of discomfort. eating ibuprofin and hitting the bathtub for the next couple hours…

    jimmy – guess you’re one who appreciates the mystery. women’s reproductive plumbing is rather mysterious – surprising to find out just how little the medical profession understands. i’m fighting to avoid the “easy” solution of just ripping everything out – which seems the default condition these days… health care reform? let’s start with unnecessary surgeries, shall we?

    nursemyra – hey, hotstuff! you found an internet cafe! love the cartoon… if they have to take everything eventually, i’m going to do some serious medical libation along the way. maximum painkillers, please…

    renalfailure – fallopial migration. there’s a special on PBS next month…

    fragrant liar – cripes, four? considered five? i was strung out after two… considered enough for my own basketball team, but as the marriage was becoming strained, we just bagged it. he offered to get the ‘nad snipped, but i wanted to turn off my clock… for good…

  7. awalkabout – she was very sweet, and i didn’t see much point in correcting her… if anything had gotten through the tubal ties i had installed? i’d have named him “Houdini”…

  8. Buzzy McTwatprobe – Thanks a lot! That’s another one of my Witness Relocation names shot to Hell! If the mob shoots me in the face and my family can’t have an open casket funeral, it will be all your fault!

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