when your best isn’t good enough*

Auditioned for my first show in almost two years.  One that i’d love to do… have wanted to do for over a year.

Ouch.  i was nervous as hell.  Didn’t belt the vocal piece the way i’ve practiced it… but it was ok.  Fuck.  Why couldn’t i do my audition in the car?  i sing better when i’m driving.  Friends said i nailed it but i know i had more.  Readings were ok – but then i’ve never been very good with the cold reading shit.  It’s mostly a musical show, and the vocal piece was pretty fucking important.

About 45 minutes into auditions, She showed up.  i’d heard She wasn’t going to do it.  i’ve worked with Her before.  i sort of like Her.  She did it as a toss off.  Breezed in late, didn’t fill out the audition form, clearly wasn’t trying.  Found out later that She’d auditioned for another show She’d prefer to do.  Wasn’t really paying attention and even read the wrong character at one point.  Not. Fucking. Trying.

She was simply better than i was.  Not a god damned thing i can do about that… 

So if there’s a fucking god – doubtful, by the way – then She’ll be cast in her preferred show and i’ll have a shot at being “First Loser” and get the part i want…

i hate theater.  i hate it with all my heart and soul.  Unlike the world of engineering, there is no logic – it’s all about putting it out there, everything resting on a few moments in the spotlight.  Even if i’d nailed the vocals, it wouldn’t have been enough.  It is simply beyond my control.  i am not the best person for the role.  If i were the director, it would be a no brainer. 

All i can do for the next few days is wait.  And hope.  And hope some more.  And pray to a god i don’t believe in that theater karma will put her in the role she desires, and i can have a shot at the one i want.

fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck.

god, i hate theater. 

Moving on already.  Preparing myself for the next audition in October. Preparing myself to work backstage on a show that i love… maybe i’ll be in the band or something.  i’ll get to watch someone better do something that i will convince myself i couldn’t do very well anyway.  Yeah.  i’ve never carried a leading role before.  Probably would have been too much for me anyway…

Being grateful that i have a very nice “day job” that pays the bills and allows me this folly…

UPDATE:  i was offered, and accepted, a role in the show – not the dream role, but something festive and fun.  It’s an ensemble show, so there’s fun to be had – i’ll be on stage a good bit, and get some of the juiciest lines…  Oh, and for more ego-bashing fun?  She was offered the role in the other show, but changed Her mind… was talked into taking the role She didn’t seem to want much…. (sigh)… and this has left the other director scrambling a bit to re-cast his show.  It’ll be a better show with Her in it…  And away we go…


* This is not a gratuitous plea for encouraging words, folks.  Please.  Not necessary.  It’s just an excerpt from an e-mail i sent around 1 am.  A glimpse into a brain after an audition gone “Meh”…  i’m fine.  Not cutting myself or anything like that… It’s just a peek behind the powder room door, at a tired, half-drunken ego that has just survived a good, healthy bashing.  Humility.  Not always a bad thing…

27 thoughts on “when your best isn’t good enough*

  1. any chance you will be posting some mp3? perhaps standing in the nearest public square and performing some experimental self-deprecating go-fuck-yourselves-and-the-theater-seats-you-rode-in-on performance art would be good if such therapy is needed.

  2. It’s always heartwarming to see someone doing a hobby they seem to enjoy a lot. *snort*

    i like how you capitalized “She”. What would have made that better is if you could have had some ominous, villian-in-the-house music playing.

    as a matter of fact, i think we all need soundtrack music playing in our lives!

  3. theatre is a beast. i was always the stage hand/sound girl in high school. i loved acting, and did it most of my life, but then i got to high school and saw all of these people who were so good at it, and thought that i was out of my league. i didn’t try out for anything until my senior year – and i wish that i hadn’t waited – because the good stuff that comes with theatre outweighs almost everything else. if i could give up science for a life on the stage, i would. no questions asked.

    in a mildly related note, have you seen the pilot for ‘glee’?

  4. I’ve dated a ton of actresses and they are a bruised lot, that’s for sure. The love of my life was an actress. New York is a rough town, especially if you’re an actor. Once or twice a week she would attend an audition and be told “you’re just not what we’re looking for.” That finally wore her down and she left town. Without me. My skin is way too thin. I couldn’t do it, that’s for sure.

  5. never having been involved in the theater myself i cannot know how you feel.. but i do know that if they decide to give you the roll you will give it more bang for the buck than anyone else i know!!!! good luck,, and i am hoping she gets the other part too….

  6. I know exactly what you are talking about. I keep auditioning for the leading man, and I get cast as the creppy guy, cheating husband, insane Southern guy, or the insane creepy cheating Southern husband.

  7. You know, the important thing is the pursuit. I’m all for anything that whets any sort of energetic fuse. I run three or four times a week, and I’m not breaking any land speed records, but I always feel better about myself afterward. Same thing with the writing. I would love to crank out something akin to my literary heroes, but I’m not there yet, so instead I take the pressure, get it done, and look at it a week later to see what made me cringe. In a weird way, both these things build confidence under some self-investment clause.

    Don’t know if this helps, but all the same, good luck, from the guy who will never be cast as anything other than Ryan Reynolds’ pot-addled, perpetual grad student-type older brother.

    Peace, SA

  8. dave – no mp3 likely, but the performance art (of a sort) will be happening in a couple weeks. doing a “flash mob freeze”. not exactly a “fuck you” to the theater, however. like the idea of staging a protest over casting someday…

    gnukid – She is quite good, experienced and rather cute. Diva? Just a bit… but she kicked my ass into next week. On the upside? i’m thinner (she noticed) and about 8 years younger… oh, and i’ve got bionic titties!

    stephanie – i like the way you think. my son suggested a little “Nancy Kerrigan Action” on her knees… and even offered up one of his thug friends to assist…

    daisymae – haven’t seen ‘glee’, but have heard of it… as for theater? it’s crack. simply an addiction. i usually find that it’s an overwhelmingly bittersweet experience when it’s all done. but crack. definitely crack.

    annie – what burned my ass is that she simply didn’t care. hadn’t prepared for this audition, and honestly didn’t seem to want the role… and STILL kicked my ass into next week… frustrating, but a good lesson in that…

    unbearable banishment – the disappointments and rejection of the theater world, whether professional or small town community theater, are good preparation for dating. seriously. i’m ready for my next abandonment, Mr. DeMille!

    paisley – it’s the worst part of the process. waiting. hoping. preparing for disappointment. second guessing this or that. ugh….

    uncle keith – imagine that? you? southern? seriously, this wasn’t a “leading lady” sort of thing. it was a crunchy, used-up, murderous, ball-breaking trailer park momma… born.to.do.it. (FUCK!)

    sonny – pursuit is good. but the occasional ‘win’ or threat of a win is necessary to keep it engaging. growth, as you mention, is a win… this one is just gonna hurt…oh, and “Ryan Reynolds’ pot-addled, perpetual grad student-type older brother”? That’s fucking hot….

    jenny – The Great American Trailer Park Musical. Not that i’m qualified for a role in that show, mind you…

  9. uncle keith – the role i was offered is still pretty trashy. more skin, more “saucy”, and some great lines… i’m happy to be on the stage…

    tigereyesal – good question. for me, the lesson is in the humility… just sometimes, we really aren’t as good as we think we are at the things we do… and there will always be someone more talented, more aggressive, more persistent…. or more annoying….

    mstngsal – Me? a “She”? Ha… that’s a filthy rumor, started by one of the other drag queens…. bitches…. (but yeah… they’re everywhere, aren’t they? like fucking zombies….)

    silverstar – as much as i admire people with talent, i admire the people who work for what they want just as much (sometimes more). although had i worked my ass off to be a ballet dancer, it wouldn’t have been pretty… not that i wanted to be a ballet dancer, i am simply not structured properly for it… sometimes you can’t overcome biology…

  10. More skin…that’s why they offered it to you. They must want to see you free the ‘Trailer Park Two’.

  11. Congratulations! I hate theater as well, and if it weren’t for the feeling that comes with being in an ensemble that puts on a kick ass show, the interesting people, the challenge of playing a role and the inevitable friendships that form, I wouldn’t even miss it. As for Her, I wonder how she would do trying to save a death march project when a buttload of money is on the line. I’m just saying.

  12. uncle keith – i’m looking for a tube top and an american flag bikini top to go with my daisy dukes…. oh, and i’m working out like a motherfucker…

    jenny – She is a bit of a Diva, but she’s pretty good, and a lot of fun to work with… it won’t be awful…

    jimmy – so long as She doesn’t get all uppity and stuff, we’ll be fine. typically, She has her own backstage “dresser”. i’m thinking i’m going to bring my own, and we can make them race through our costume changes!

    chris – ah…. you’ve done theater before…. it is an addiction… an affliction… a nearly fatal character flaw…. but it’s a bit of alright sometimes…

    squirrelqueen – oh, there are some tasty ones… can’t wait for the first read through monday night!

    Bb – it’ll be about 8 weeks of sheer hell, interspersed with a lot of laughs, too much crap food and cigarettes, splashed with a bit of alcohol and a whole bunch of stress… bring it…

  13. Pingback: The Diva Doesn’t Do Dance… « Trailer Park Refugee

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