Fantastic Voyage

It’s not really a ‘bucket list’.  You know, the list of stuff you want to do before you die.  But there’s no shortage of people places and things i’d like to experience before i check into the big dirt hotel.  i got my SCUBA certification on Labor Day weekend, 2006 to celebrate my divorce.  Coincidently the same day that dearly lanced and departed Steve Irwin suffered the indignity of a stinger through the heart….

When people ask “why”, i’ve got a litany of perfectly fine answers.  “Two-thirds of the Earth is covered by water, and i need to be able to get there”, or “i’ve always dreamed of diving with the Whale Sharks – 45 foot long, plankton-eating mega-sushi!” or “i need a ‘return-to-the-womb’ experience so maybe i can start over and get it right this time…”

Nope.  None of those started it.  It was because of this movie: Fantastic Voyage.  And more specifically, the vision of Raquel Welch in that white, zip-front wetsuit.  Hot science babe, shrunk in a submarine with her science posse, traversing the body of some creepy bald dude.  Got no idea why it marked me, but it did. 

It looked better after the white corpuscles gnawed on it a bit...

It looked better after the white corpuscles gnawed on it a bit...

While rooting through the local dive shop, doing a little shopping, i was discouraged to learn that not only did they have no white wetsuits, but all suits are now designed to zip up the back.  Shit.  A nearly audible pop as the fantasy ruptured.  i found a 3mm shorty that will suffice.  But i’m wondering if the Dive Master will get pissed off if i wear it backwards?

Bring on the dogfish...

Bring on the dogfish...

i’m skipping town in a few days for a dive trip to Mexico.  My first time in salt water, looking at fish that are not a dingy shade of brown… Drift diving, which means you gear up, jump out of a boat, sink to the desired depth, and let the current carry you along.  Theoretically, when you’re done, you ascend and there is a boat waiting to take you back to shore for fruity cocktails and a poolside siesta. 

i can guarantee that in my mind i won’t be poolside.  i will be strapped into my miniature research submarine, anxiously hoping that the creepy bald dude can work up some tears and cry me the fuck out of his head before i return to normal size…

23 thoughts on “Fantastic Voyage

  1. I’ve always thought diving would be cool, but back in my fat days I felt way to buoyant. And then a diving shop opened its doors in the suite across the parking lot.

    Someday . . .


  2. Wetsuits don’t zip down the front? What kind of crap is that? How the hell else am I supposed to sleekly toss it aside on the beach, revealing a classy, slinky gown underneath and perfectly tossed hair?

    So lame.

  3. Who DIDN’T get all excited and start fantasizing when Raquel made an appearance? (For me, it was when she played Nowana in One Million BC. That little loin-cum-boob cloth was just what I had in mind. Along with the gigantor boobs, natch.) But that movie was one we watched over and over and over again whenever we could.

    Yeah, have a great time adrift, take lots of pics, and stay away from the heart muscle. Too much turbulence and you might get thwacked into the intestines. You know what kind of shit you’d be in then, right?

    • now there’s an idea….

      not all that sexy….but with more than a few wetsuits littering my closet….i’d be tempted to participate. lol….

      • i dunno… i’ve gotten some direct commentary from a surfer-friend who is suggesting very strongly i develop a ‘wetsuit corset’ of some sort for a future (ahem) “adventure”….

  4. tysdaddy – one of my fears is being mistaken for a manatee, or worse, being in a wetsuit on the beach and having all those animal rescue people keep dragging my fat ass back into the water… i’m going to paint on racing stripes just for good measure…

    rassles – exactly, sistah! if i’m going to have my Bond-girl hallucinations, i NEED it to zip up the front…

    jimmy bastard – it shouldn’t be nippley at all. warm water diving. the 3mm suit is overkill, but in that thing, my rack will be indistinguishable from a flattened tire…

    fragrant liar – i’m always careful to avoid the heart muscle. only causes trouble… looking forward to this silly adventure! photos on the flipside…

    archie – i was in the galapagos last october, and if i’d had more confidence in my diving skills, i’d have taken a run at the mega-sushi… but i’ll continue to train for it and get there some day. raquel has aged pretty well – with some plastic work, most likely, but she’s still a hottie!

    kevinjohn – it’s simply timing. the local dive shop organizes several trips a year, and i wanted to go to Bonnaire in august, but there’s a conflict with a theater production i’m hoping like hell to be in… so Mexico, here i come!

    unbearable banishment – 14 pesos to the dollar. should get cheap beer… and that’s important! sand and sunshine included…

    renalfailure – not likely. wetsuits aren’t really all that flattering. they mash your bits into flattened lumps of meat. i look like a man when the fucking thing is on with the zipper in the back….

    DP – take some dramamine. it’ll make you sleepy and cure your seasicknessesses….

    nursemyra – i really did have my heart set on a white one. may have to do some online shopping before i buy my 1mm warm water suit!

  5. Personal wetsuits are the way to go.

    I’ve had the “pleasure” of wearing “public” wetsuits when I’ve gone white water rafting. They apparently do wash them – on occasion – but it doesn’t seem to do anything about the smell. Plus there’s the whole idea of having a kind of intimate contact with strangers of your own gender to come to grips with.

    Enjoy your trip. Stay away from anyone with flu-like symptoms.

    Oh, and do you really need a wetsuit for diving in the Caribbean? The water is kind of warm.

  6. I think one of your fans may be onto something with the wetsuit Thursday, especially if you can get them in several colors. For myself, I’m looking for hot pink, and about a megaton weight belt.

  7. rob – i was more concerned about having my own regulator. safety first… since the shorty was relatively inexpensive, i decided to go ahead. the water is warm, but either a 1mm or 3mm shorty is recommended. 100′ gets a little chilly apparently… and i run cold (which should be obvious from my lack of a heart…)

    silverstar – i’m going to keep looking for the white wetsuit. may have to settle for latex… like the idea of pink, too!

    uncle keith – so. what sort of wetsuit must one wear for that sort of diving?

    amber – gotta start packing. 6am flight saturday morning (with dives scheduled that afternoon! got the gear collected (scuba and electronics) but not a stitch of clothing packed/sorted. yikes!

    tigereyesal – i’m thinking for safety i’ll wear the zipper in the back when i do the actual dives…with the suit on backwards, the crotch/ass part made me look like i was rather well-endowed. that’d be a bit freaky…

    Bb – in the future, i’m looking forward to lots more bottom time. warm water, bottom time….

    gnukid – [splash!] Yipppeeeee! Pretty and tasty grouper? Here i come!

  8. Hey Daisy have a safe trip and don’t forget to take your passport!

    Raquel Welch…rarr. Fantastic Voyage is funny when the giant white cell eats Donald Pleasance…I always thought that thing looked like a giant lump of mashed potatoes…


  9. Sorry, I never got past the part about Fantastic Voyage. I still remember where I saw that movie the first time, and I saw it four or five more times in the theater and — of course — several dozen times on television since then. Enjoy the trip.

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