– If IT is driving a Lexus, IT shall do something stupid.  And i mean STOOOOOOOPID!  Not once, not twice, but three times — just during a lunch-hour errand run — did i encounter three different boneheads in Lexuses  Lexii.  Guess it is consistent.  If you pay $60,000 for a leather-encrusted Toyota, with fur-lined ashtrays, you ain’t working with a full set of functioning brain cells…

– If the person who owns the corporate resources tells you to do something, and you fail to do it – for several years, mind you – it should really come as no surprise when she reprograms the cash.  You bunch of dumb-fucks.  i told you i would.  You had a deadline.  To sit there, shocked faces staring across the table at me as if i’ve just taken a massive shit on the chest of a naked teenage boy, and pretend as if you didn’t see it coming?  Jeebus H. Obama Keee-RIST on a Triscuit…  Quite proud of myself for not telling them to “Suck my big black dick” on the way out of the room.

– Math.  It isn’t that hard.  Before you warn me – repeatedly – about the dangers of going to Mexico in light of the [ominous music] Swine Flu pandemic, do some fucking homework.  Over 30,000 people in the US die of influenza-related complications every year.  In the grand scheme of things, Swine Flu is mouse nuts.  Risk:  Probability of occurrence combined with impact of occurrence = who gives a shit?  i’m going to Cozumel to swim with the pretty fishies…

– If you panic every time the local news program predicts “dangerous storms”, you really SHOULD stay home.  Permanently.  In fact, you should be forbidden from breeding.  Here’s the dirty little secret, kids:  They want you tuned in… All fucking evening.  Therefore, they tease you with “Tornado in the Tri-State – more after the break”, prepare featured segments on “how to survive a tornado”, and tell you to “be careful, stay away from windows, there’s a potential for big fucking hail out there”.  Just go away, you bunch of stinkin’ babies.  You annoy the fuck out of me…

– It is generally a bad idea to put super glue on the end of your tweezers in an attempt to capture a particularly evasive “lady whisker”.  Yeah.  That’d be me… Shit.

yeah... maybe sometimes i'm a carrier, too...

maybe sometimes i'm a carrier, too...

 Fuck it.  i’m going out drinking…. Beer Bingo awaits…

29 thoughts on “argh…

  1. I agree wholeheartedly – that’s the bait they use on the feeble that are such easy targets that they might as well have scribed on their forehead: GULLIBLE (Humans!) Mother always warned me not to believe everything written & said. I congratulate you on this lucid piece – one of THE BEST I’ve read and it dovetails nicely w/ my strident mood.

    I say go to old Mexico; Get liquored-up, dance and get laid. Go ahead and snicker at the rest of wandering in the labyrinth of life, like laboratory rats searching for the feeder bar in hopes of a food pellet. Hmmm, perhaps I should have a beer and go lie down now ……… Cheers

  2. Sooo….are you saying you decided against borrowing my lexus with the potbelly pig co-pilot while you drive thru Tornado Alley on your way to Cozumel? Damn and I just had the oil changed and AC tuned up for your trip and included free tweezers and super glue in the glove box ; )
    Oh well. I guess I’ll just hang on to it for your next trip.

  3. Must be a day for rants, eh?

    I wonder why I’m not all that surprised that you know so many of these, uh, *ahem*, more coarse and vulgar analogies and other fun sayings.

    By the way. That 30,000 flu number? Totally cooked up and not statistically representative of, well, anything.

    Enjoy old Mexico.

  4. unbearable banishment – oh, dear… i have issues. no, ISSUES. i’m just fairly self-aware and quarantine myself (mostly) when i go whack. support group? maybe… but hey, i can blame hormones or the lack thereof. what’s yours?

    S – thanks. writing in anger – justified or otherwise – is apparently a strength for me…

    tysdaddy – it kinda hurt. it was the application of nail polish remover to take away the glob that made it even worse. i’m a goob…

    hisqueen – thanks for the offer, but i’m flying to mexico! and the TSDA won’t allow me to bring tweezers, right?

    awalkabout – glad to be of service. you deserve a good laugh… hope today is better!

    rob – know the blasphemic rants? i am a blasphemic rant generation machine! understand the flu numbers – CDC quotes mortality for P&I together (Pneumonia and Influenza) which makes it squishy as hell. Case fatality rate is a more meaningful measure, but i’m not sure CDC reports that way…

    alex – i was cranky. very, very cranky. two pints of vanilla porter helped!

    nursemyra – going to try that. hoping for less cranky today…

  5. i think you should find a teenage boy (over 18 of course), gather your co-workers and dump on his chest, the number of hits you get would from freakazoids would probably crash your site…
    and you’re way more likely to killed by the drug cartels in Mexico than the Swine Flu, just make sure you buy from the reputable dealers who control said resort, it’s best to ask the Mexican police about this they’ll point you in the right direction, other than that just stay out of the cross-fire and enjoy yourself.

  6. What were your co-workers waiting for, the second coming? Duh!

    What I’ve noticed about Lexii and other luxury cars, (their drivers, actually, the cars are innocent) is that they think they don’t have to stop for people in wheelchairs trying to cross the street. Dear Bozo, the law here is that every intersection is a crosswalk, not just the ones with the little red and white flashing men. If being late is that big a problem, you should have left earlier. (The folks in Hondas held together with chewing gum and picture wire always stop. They know how much it’s going to cost them if they hit me. The luxury car drivers don’t care, until they get hit with a lawsuit.)

  7. kono – thanks for all the advice! if i took it? i think i could have my own reality show!

    stephanie – we should encourage a study to determine the amount of physical violence prevented through bloggery… a good rant feels almost as good as hitting a bozon with a board…

    uncle keith – it’s in my nightstand… still wanna play?

    gnukid – if i had a single chin hair that was 0.1*tit size? you’d be reading about me in the “news of the weird”… i think i’m ok!

    archie – you’re about 10,000 miles away. it’s safe. my fire-breathing is good, but can’t make it that far!

    silverstar – i’ve seen similar things… not all luxury car drivers are assholes, but i suspect it’s a statistically significant proportion.

    nursemyra – he’ll be ok. suspect he’s not one to cower for long!

  8. Ha ha. Great post. Just what I needed to break the ennui of a Thursday morning. And can relate to that there whisker, I think we all have that one little sucker 🙂

  9. Daisy–a little more fire breathing please…I’m close enough that I would enjoy the hot firey air. It’s been damn cold here for a few days.

  10. That is really funny. I’ve also found that people whom can afford such an eloquant vehical can afford the increased premiums from doing something incredibly stupid as in changing lanes w/o signaling while driving 10 mph over the speed limit, checking their iphone messages ,talking to someone on the speaker phone while putting on lipstick(if a girl), or flipping you off(if a guy).

    At least a guy will look surprised you just got mad at him as you blow out the back tires with that (unregistered) saw-off shot gun.
    The bitch just gets an attitude.

    go figure.

  11. Sassy Miss P – i despise the damn things. if one is long enough for me to feel, i rub it constantly during the day. makes me feel all OCD… UGH! if i ever get as bad as gnu’s ratio? i’ll just start shaving…

    hisqueen – it has been a might nippy in these parts. had to turn the heat on in the car the other day… coming HOME from work! weird…

    uncle keith – “Oh, that’s not so bad.” which is what you’ll say once you get used to it… visually intimidating, but not really that bad!

    kevin john – that’s pretty much a description of what these folks were doing. they looked at me like i was a terrorist as i sped around them at the first opportunity. no worries about the spelling… i have my moments!

  12. Wow. There’s so much here to comment on. How to pick one thing…
    The tornado/dangerous storms thing annoys me too – feels like they’re taking advantage of my geographic area’s delicate mindset, considering. Wonder if they do that in Kansas too.

  13. The last time I shopped for a car we looked at a Lexus. When I asked the sales woman (no lady, I assure you) how much of a discount we could get on the car, she got all huffy and said, “Perhaps you are just not Lexus people.” She couldn’t have been more right.

  14. pickles – i think it’s nationwide. in Florida? it’s hurricane preparedness. California? earthquakes and wildfires. Fucking media. Ratings whores and the public is a willing John…

    chris – A favorite site, MulletLikeMe, did an experiment – went to buy a Lexus to check for anti-mulletism. Surprisingly, didn’t find it! You should be proud that she called you out. i think offering to play a nice game of “hey lady, pull my finger” would have been a fine exit strategy!

  15. Thanks Daisyfae…we are getting a full load of that krep down here in Houstin as the Season of ” Kiss Your Ass Goodbye” begins. The mouth breathers at the local faux news emporiums have desided that even if the viewer missed all of the coverage last year with IKE..BECAUSE WE HAD NO FRIGGAN POWER FOR 11 DAYS…” Hey Kids…Let’s re-run the news coverage of the storm..!”

    Yup..hatted ones as far as the eye can see…

    Sigh..Had me at Beer Bingo..

  16. Aunty Pol – Welcome to The Park! Ahh, the “last year’s terror replay” tactic… Makes me want to throw my television off the roof! And Beer Bingo has been my salvation on more than one occasion!

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