– Mom eats. A lot. Constantly. Before going to get her, i made a basic grocery run for healthy breakfast food. Before we left her house, she bagged up an assortment of non-healthy snacks to make sure she’d have a little something to “take with her medicine”. A bag of Doritos, box of snack crackers, pita bread and hummus, cookies, spreadable cheese… and two small orphaned bags of Cheetos.
– Celebrating my daughter’s university graduation, we had home made pizza, cake and ice cream for dinner Friday night. Followed by the traditional “Granny kicks our asses and wins the kids tuition money” poker game. This year? The Girl won. We bagged it, and watched “Slumdog Millionaire” – which required running commentary by me to explain what was going on throughout most of the movie. But she enjoyed it…
Read 'em and weep. Bitches...
– Mom can’t read because of her failing eyesight. But somehow managed the subtitles in the movie just fine, and was reading items from the New York Times to me this morning over breakfast. i’m confused…
– Took Momma to a “drag race” Saturday afternoon. That’d be a “Walk A Mile In Her Shoes” fundraiser… Over 100 men. Racing around a quarter mile track, in heels. Holy crap, it was funny… To hear the little dears whining about the discomfort, blisters, twisted ankles? Precious. Seeing the contestants ‘high fiving’ Mom in her wheel chair as the “Pump Parade” passed? Delicious. We cheered the fastest ones, and encouraged the slow ones, telling them they still looked fetching in their peep-toe pumps…
Stiletto Boyz in da Hood
– Took both Momma and my children out for a very nice meal Saturday to celebrate Mother’s Day. The Boy was hoping it was one of those ‘challenge’ restaurants, where you can order a 72 ounce steak, and get it for free if you can eat the whole thing. Um… no… Baby’s first Filet Mignon. i think i’ve won him over on this one… Perhaps he gained an understanding the concept of “quality” over “quantity” when it comes to cow parts.
– Not sure how it happened, but during the course of our dinner, we managed to cover a ridiculous number of horrible conversation topics. Including, but not limited to: “Prom Night Dumpster Babies“, incest, genocide, Stalin, photographing excrement and farting on toddlers.
– Mr. Pickles is channeling Lassie. Since Mom arrived, he has attached himself to her. Sleeping by her bedside – almost in perfect position to trip her should she get up in the middle of the night. We decided he’s waiting for her to fall down a well, so he can sound an alarm and get some good doggie treats…
Hey... Her pajamas are full of cake crumbs. I'm not going anywhere...
– As the bill for dinner arrived, i was surprised when The Boy reached for it. He picked it up, and i looked over, somewhat confused… as he handed it across the table to me, he and The Girl both busted out laughing. “Awww…. She looked hopeful! Did you see that? Wasn’t that cute?”. Bastards. Complete bastards…
– Last year, my children did a lovely job of tormenting surprising me on Mother’s Day. With a bit less fuss, this year, they were rewarded with a full five minutes of me laughing my ass off at their gorgeous card (created by one of The Girl’s friends). Inside? The handwritten sentiment:
Happy Mother’s Day!
Hey, you tried.
Trailer Park Refugee 
Happy Mother’s Day!!!
love the play on dysfunctional
You guys are my heroes! Not every family can treat their dysfunctions as something to celebrate and commemorate- most try to hide them under the carpet….
seriously daisyfae, you just made my day. between the drag race and the mother’s day card, it almost makes me want my own kids!
Wow, I love the drag race! I must see one of those. Great card… you’ve raised some great kids. And the bill grab? Fantastic.
Is it really a good idea for the boy to learn to appreciate quality over quantity? You see, I’ve found that by avoiding any kind of wine experimentation or knowledge, I’m still perfectly happy with $2/bottle Boones Farm (Snow Creek Berry, please). That’s saved me a lot of money over the years, and I’m no worse for it (or no worse than I’d be for drinking an equivalent amount of “real” wine, anyway).
I love the honest look at real family life. Nicely done. But my favorite part was the inside of the card your kids made. Hysterical. 🙂
Happy Mom’s Day!
Mr. Pickles knows where it’s at!
Happy Mother’s Day (and it seems like you’ve done just fine)
My mother has selective hearing. It’s practically nonexistent during confrontations but bat-like otherwise. Perhaps your mom’s eyesight is similar?
They didn’t pick up the bill? Happy Mother’s Day! Thank god my daughters will never do that to my wife…will they?
Love the card daisyfae! And Mr Pickles has the right idea. Happy Mother’s Day xx
hisqueen – and to you as well! we are pretty messy, but generally a good time is had by all…
tigereyesal – thank you! you just nailed it – we DO celebrate the messed up bits… besides, i don’t think i have a big enough rug to hide it!
daisymae – thanks… we had loads of fun with both. fortunate that it was a gorgeous day in these parts to make the drag racing fun. although seeing the poor dears trotting in puddles might have been pretty amusing…
cyberdryad – good point! i’m pretty “unfussy” myself when it comes to wine, but with red meat? since it’s going to be hanging around in my colon for awhile, i figure i should like it…
fragrant liar – they are pretty special kids. even a little worried how i’d take it… but were relieved when i laughed a big ol’ horse laugh when i read it. at my age? tears and throwing shit are always possible…
stephanie – thanks much! mr. pickles is the shizz…
unbearable banishment – turns out, it was the presence of LIGHT that made it easier for her to read! she keeps her blinds closed, and the house is so dark. first thing i did when i got her home was open some draperies… made a big damn difference. can’t predict your daughters’ behavior… mine are poor college students at the moment, so they get a pass!
nursemyra – i’m going to hang onto this one… it was big fun. love my kids, and their twistedness…
My mother prefers her offspring to honour mothers day by staying the hell away.
Yes, that drag race sounds fucking hilarious. I need to see one, like, yesterday.
You are such a good daughter.
I think thats why we die…otherwise imagine the endless generations of fuck up.
And I love your mother.
kyknoord – she’s kind. it’s just easier that way…
rassles – “walk a mile in her shoes” is a national thing. you should be able to find something local. worth the price of admission (free) and then some!
uncle keith – not really. no. not really at all…
dolce – never mind trying to keep holiday gifting under control! “didn’t great-great-great-grandma give me the purple corset last year? how’s her memory? can we give it back to her this year?”
pfft…. and you claim you have no sense of family… bald faced liar. what a great weekend!
Aww, that was so sweet! All of it!
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The drag race seems like just the thing to me. Might have to look it up next year. I figure it’s payback for all the foot binding and other torture to their feet women have endured over the ages for the sake of beauty.
Glad you had a good Mother’s Day. And that you managed to survive having your mother for four days. I’m afraid mine wouldn’t have survived a similar period with me.
gnukid – oh, i have a sense of family. it’s my family that has no sense!
amber – thanks! you are very kind…
silverstar – just google “walk a mile in her shoes” and i bet there’s something happening out your way. mom was being very nice… very little complaining, and i wonder if she’s started to take my “make your own weather” comments a little bit to heart?
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Good times!