douchebag tag

Driving home from work yesterday, i was bopping along happily in my jeep.  The sun was shining, i was singing at the top of my lungs while toolin’ topless down the interstate.  Feeling pretty good after a challenging week…

Spotted a big ol’ jacked up “Bubby Truck” – with a bumper sticker in the back window:


My first reaction was to laugh.  It’s kinda cute.  But as i passed the truck, took a good look at the driver, i got to thinkin’… 

He was smallish – certainly well short of six feet tall.  Skinny.  Maybe mid-20’s.  Short spiky blonde hair – a sort of military cut.  Not particularly attractive – pinched features, beady eyes, no visible eyebrows.  He looked over at me as i passed – the jeep, combined with my hair whipping around my head and skirt blowing over my face as i haul ass down the interstate will generally warrant a look from a guy in a truck.  Nope.  He was absolutely nothing special.

What woman would willingly ride in this truck?  What woman would willingly exchange body fluids with this man?  How low does your self-respect have to be before you can jump into that truck and tell yourself “Whew!  I passed the test!  I’ve earned the affections of this wonderful man!  He thinks I’m good enough to ride in his truck!  Yay me!”

All i can say is “Look, you punk-ass redneck motherfucker.  You wanna see a fat chick jump?  Haul your sorry whiteboy ass out on the basketball court and i’ll school you in ‘Jumping Fat Chicks 101’.  Douchenozzle.”

25 thoughts on “douchebag tag

  1. If only someone could sneak a CD of Queen’s “Fat Bottomed Girls” into his player.

    Fitness geek though I may be, guys do not get to rag women for being fat on my watch. The best story I ever heard on this head involved a woman who got a bumper sticker printed up reading “No Short Dicks.”

  2. Guys are just always deluding themselves. And I know plenty of guys who ONLY want a woman with extra meat on them. Besides, that douchenozzle would be real surprised if you threw him down and gave him Jumping Fat Chicks 101. I can imagine what the final exam would be.

  3. Hmmm, seems like he’s living proof that cousins shouldn’t mate. In any event, there’s no need to become a potty-mouth over the matter. Just live & let live. Peace. Groovy. Far out. Dig it. I suppose I should turn off my best of the 70’s CD ….. Cheers !

  4. WTF ? Your stupid-ass leave a reply box keeps rejecting me like a 5’10 point guard being stuffed in the paint by a 7-0 center !

    Anyway, perhaps that young lad is living proof that cousins shouldn’t mate but in any event, live & let live. CHEERS !

  5. DP – ah, you’re a brit. there are no rednecks there. “Lift” is what you do to a large, gas-guzzling truck to make it sit higher and theoretically seem more powerful and imposing, and pretend that you’ve, in fact, accomplished penile extension.

    stacy – welcome to the park! glad you dropped in! maybe he’s really doing a public service to the rest of us – letting us know that he’s not worth the oxygen and cheap beer he consumes…

    sledpress – i’m thinking a “no short dicks” bumper sticker would look mighty fine on my old jeep! i had to control the urge to run his truck off the road, and beat him with a baseball bat. the bumper sticker would be safer…

    fragrant liar – things like this reaffirm my belief that the ol’ US of A is careening toward the shitter like a toxic taco… (sigh)

    unbearable banishment – a fine warning, although “Freebird” is our family song (the one we all dance to at wedding receptions. in biker bars).

    WTG – no idea whazzup with the comment thingie… but yeah, i should learn to ‘peace out’ and all that. hormones be damned. oh, and this didn’t make me a potty mouth… i’ve been a card carrying “Fellow” in the Potty Mouth Society for quite some time!

    casey – so, enquiring minds wanna know: what’s stuck to your truck? besides the fuzzy remains of a wayward elk…

  6. Can’t stand the amount of hate that people express under thier first ammendment rights. I definately think that bumper sticker and truck should be the central part of a bonfire 😛

  7. One of the most important things I found out about colon cleaning is you MUST juice fact for 3-5 days to get the OLD stuff out of your system. Of course clear the fasting with your doctor first.

  8. wow, what a tool.
    sure he didn’t have a pair of those annoying plastic balls hanging from his hitch?
    His friends must be really high-maintainence … “hey, Chad, check this bumper sticker out!”, “Yeah, Chase, we’re too cool for fat chicks… “, “Dude!”, “Dude!”

  9. Bb – ‘pencil dick the bug fucker’ is another favorite curse of mine…. haven’t used it in years! thanks for the reminder!

    dolce – i’m more of a ‘sugar in the gas tank’ gal…

    jimmy – that’s twice today you’ve made me cry, mr. bastard… thank you.

    brittainy – welcome to the park! and yes, for all of my ranting and raving out here, i’m reasonably ‘hate-less’. just get frustrated with the endless ‘stooooopid’ out there! shame we can’t pile ’em up and light the torch!

    emma d – i know you are a spammer, and i’m generally pretty ruthless about including spam in my comment threads (DEAR READERS – DON’T CLICK HER LINK! She’s a spammer!) But honest to spaghetti monster, honey, you’re SO ON TOPIC with this one!

    manuel – the top drawer is ALSO where Dad will be keeping the firearms, should the daughter not listen….

    stephanie – ‘tool’. another favorite for people who are essentially oxygen thieves… no ‘hitch ‘nads’ that i spotted. i think i heard that conversation outside a gas station, however…

  10. Sledpress has not read enough enema erotica, or she would know the douchenozzle is favored by such fetishists. Or so I’ve been told. Being a fat chick myself, I’ll just sit on the eh, hem, little darling. And make him do unspeakable things.

  11. I see you’ve changed your mode of transportation!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL Are you ready to let go and warble a bit? I’ve missed your vocal adventures .Maybe this Friday or Saturday coming up.Anyway his big truck was probably a compensation for his lack of size of his tool LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AJ

  12. sledpress – it’s a fine, fine line!

    silverstar – Ha! Go get ’em, sister!

    AJ – nope. i’ve had the jeep 10 years, but it’s my sunny weather ride (although i have done some ‘parking lot snow pile climbing’ in it…). May collect some singers for the Friday night venue… will let you know if i can get there (this week unlikely).

    sledpress – yes, i’m thinking serious “SuperHero” action for Ms. Silverstar! The Douchebag Eradicator!

  13. DP – of course it doesn’t mean anything. right. no implications whatsoever. if that helps you sleep…

    rob – suspect you’ve got these types in alberta, but your ‘douchebag density’ is probably much lower…

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