How lazy am i? How big of a redneck resides in my soul?
YOU make the call…
Plans for a casual dinner date with hot boy/potential victim a new gentleman friend. Week night = very casual, but because he wanted to fit in an after work run, we agreed to meet at 8:00 pm. Kinda late for a meal. Besides, it’s the First Law of Chubbies that when we go on dinner dates, we have to at least pretend to be Skinnies-in-the-Rough. At least for a few dates. Poking at a dry salad – “No Croutons, please!”
But i was too fucking hungry tonight to wait til 8:00 pm and then order rabbit food for dinner. So i did the “fat chick pre-game” and made myself a filling snack when i got home from work. Having nothing of substance in my house to eat – due to my “grocery store avoidance” gene – i went for this odd home-brewed concoction that has served me well.
Starting with Orville Redenbacher’s “Smart Pop” microwave popcorn, i melt a small amount of butter, then add basil, garlic and a dusting of parmesan and romano cheese. A low-fat, filling “delicacy” for sure… If you consume this with a diet coke AND an 8 ounce glass of water? You’ll feel full for several hours. Fiber. Fiber is good, right?
Between trips to the bathroom – waging war against frizzy hair and the grape-sized zit* that had magically appeared after i went to work this morning – i bopped into the kitchen to tend to my gourmet treat. Stuffing that first fabulous handful into my face, i realized something was amiss. The carefully crafted tastes were not blending in a manner that pleased my palate…
Pulling the empty popcorn box from the trash, i realized my mistake. There are several “mutant” varieties of Orville’s Smart Pop – and the one that i’d snagged was “Kettle Korn”. For the uninitiated, “kettle korn” is sweet – like caramel corn, but different**. Needless to say “sweet” and “garlic pesto parmesan” are not complimentary flavors.
The sad part: i ate the whole fucking bag. How lazy do you have to be to do that? i was hungry, it was there, the clock was ticking and that zit wasn’t going to cover itself…
It’s times like this that i know the meaning of the phrase “Spam Suckin’ Trailer Trash”… no doubt.
That shure is sum tasty vittles, Wanda June!
* i’m 46 1/2 fucking years old. and i get zits. not just little things that can be painted over with a make up trowel, but those welts that are large enough to be visible from LANDSAT, and have been known to show up on GoogleEarth. My dermatologist says “Oh, you should be happy! When the pimples stop, you’ll get wrinkles!” He’s a pig fucker.
** Sometimes, i am completely enthralled with my descriptive abilities. This is not such a time…
Trailer Park Refugee 
Ooooh, I actually cringed as soon as I read “Kettle Corn”. Damn, that’s nasty! (And I totally would have eaten it, too, by the way.)
That was so good I had to read it loud to Jam. Thanks.
He’s a pig fucker… really and you keep making appointments.
If I read a funnier post today then I’ll paint my arse pink and take a photie for yers..
I’ll still be chuckling away to myself over your post for a few more miles down the road yet!
I’d eat that for sure. I loved the shortbread biscuits filled with garlic paste that I found in vietnam……
I’m wondering if garlic is suitable pre-date fodder ……. he could be a vampire I suppose ……. protection is good …… forget everything I’ve said …….. I have …..
I say you impale your derm. For being a douche. And for making a obligatory “It could be worse!” remark.
You’re not lazy. You’re dedicated.
you have seemed to come down with a serious case of “I hate pigs” you are cursing them or using them to curse someone everywhere I go…
I’m sure the garlic and butter did wonders for the giant grape on your face….
come on now–you know getting zits at our age is still exciting..It means we’re not old hags well past menopause but youthful women who can deny our real ages..(now go get mama some smokes and a bottle of schnapps-somethings got to get rid of this youthfulness)
ginny – it’s really not that i’m frugal. i’m just plain lazy. i think that’s sad… then again, after the first few bites, i got sort of used to it…
ty – if you had to wake up the JamBox, i hope she at least got a LOL out of it! thanks. glad that my sad, pathetic life can bring joy and bemusement to others!
alex – i used to see the other doc in the practice, but when he moved away, i just switched over. reconsider this option every time i’m there… he’s just too fucking cheerful.
jimmy – thanks! but i’m hoping you read a funnier post, because i REALLY want that picture!
nursemyra – oooh! i remember that story! next time we meet up, boy, have i got a treat for you!
DP – if a man can’t handle his garlic? he sure as hell can’t handle daisyfae!
stephanie – he’s just too chipper. even for appointments at 7:30 am, he’s smiling and all that. i should bring him dead baby birds or something to bring him down a bit…
kyknoord – hey, at least i rememered to put on pants!
hisqueen – i think you’re on to something… i shouldn’t be so rude to the pigs. garlic cures everything! i believe the zit is just part of “Last Call” for my estrogen…
I’m thinking of eating pesto over fried chicken livers.
I hope you brushed your teeth!
I came home stoned once and was so ravished with hunger that I opened the refrigerator, took out a bowl of my mom’s leftover turkey stuffing and at it cold with my bare hands. What an animal!
This made me laugh out loud several times. Your neuroses are extremely entertaining.
Usually my date pre-game is to hit the ATM and draw out LOTS of cash. That way I know the card works and I end up depositing it back the next day.
Because I’m awesome, that’s why.
Intersting maybe: I may be employed using LANDSAT a lot for the next year. What band do you like it in?
uncle keith – can i come to your place for dinner?
Be grateful for the zits. It means your skins still has some oils left in it. I still get zits (rarely these days) and I’m way older than you. And when the estrogen machine really shuts down, you’re gonna know it. You’ll wish zits were your only problem.
i have done the pre-dinner ritual so many times it is sick. sometimes before dates but most of the time before big dinner parties where i don’t want to announce “the only meat i eat is fish” in front of a lavilishly decorated ham.
i just got a big zit on my nose this morning- right at the point where the nostril meets the face. ouch.
I think you’re bang on though, with the spots equallying wrinkle-free skin. I’ve been plagued (plagued, I tell you!) with bad skin since my mid 20s, and it still dogs me at 36. I was, however, delighted when my hairdresser put me at 29 earlier this week. Might I recommend Eve Lom’s fabulous cleanser if you’re looking for a miracle solution? Expenny, but it has changed my life in terms of my skin.
uncle keith – with chocolate sauce and whipped cream? yum…
unbearable banishment – of course, and exfoliated, and slathered on not-too-offensive-smelling lotions. but if garlic isn’t an aphrodisiac? i’m not sure i want ’em! LOVE cold stuffing! the food, um… not the activity…
casey – of course, you are awesome! glad that my sad, pathetic little life brings joy to the normals… i tend to look best in red, hence band 3… i’ll wave when you’re working out this way. maybe flash my boobies!
nursemyra – i’m thinking he’ll say “yes”. once he’s done tweakin’…
silverstar – i’m dreading the end of the estrogen pipe, because i’ll have to hit it ‘commando’ – no hormone replacement. maybe “Cherish the Zit” will become my new mantra?
dave – ouch! i think that’s by FAR the worst spot. even worse when you’ve got a headcold… nice to know i’m not the only one…
cat – hey! cool! there ARE advantages to our oily skin? who knew? apreciate the “beauty tips” – most other women don’t bother, once they realize that i buy my makeup at the drugstore for $2.50 on sale! might try the magic cleanser…
Estrogen is overrated. And oversimplified, but I won’t go into my rap here, except to say that the random hot flash in the gym is just an incentive to say RAWR and max out on a giant set.
Garlic, on the other hand, cures everything, or helps.
I fear I may be getting too much estrogen from eating the modern version of what used to be chicken. But that may be TMI – – –
I’ve been commando so far as far as HRT goes. It helps to have a few extra pounds to store the estrogen in. However, if my sex life gets threatened by atrophic vaginitis, I might reconsider. Although I will try other remedies first. Yeah, TMI.
Mmmmm, my fave Kettle Corn! Add some nuts to it, and you almost have Fiddle Faddle. Yum. Don’t know about adding the garlic to it though. And I have been known to eat a whole bag before myself. But please don’t tell anyone.
ever wondered why you only see my breastages and thighs at the gimcrack?
Goddamn bottom spots!#%^&*!
Am I the only one who gets them on their otherwise delectable arse?
sledpress – i like the way you think! and i have a sneaky suspicion that gym time is in my future… muscle power! may be the best thing for this body… been doing the upper body workouts, waiting til i get the ‘all clear’ for hardcore cardio again (about 3-6 weeks).
archie – it’s everywhere, man! i switched to organic milk at the suggestion from my veggie daughter, and am considering a switch to more ‘whole food’ / organic stuff in the future. PCBs be bad news…
silverstar – in the days of the caveman, i would have been dead already, and wouldn’t be worried about it. i consider this all “bonus time”, and will make the best of it, no matter what happens to my hormones! like your approach!
fragrant liar – your secret is safe, out here on the internet! like the idea of adding some protein to the crunchy mix! may have to try that! oh, that, and reading the damn labels…
nursemyra – yep. me too. an annoying battle, for sure! but your arse is still rather delectable, and i’m sure your worshipful minions would all agree – spots or not! xxx
No body told me that you’d get wrinkles AND still get the fukkin’ pimples. Being a grownup is a bitch!
And that popcorn sounds gooooooooooood.
Yeah, I wouldn’t have let that popcorn go to waste either. Back in the day, I’da washed it down with a twelve of Molson Export Ale.
dolce – so many things they forgot to tell us…but then again, i probably wouldn’t have believed it. old ladies with acne? right…
rob – worst one for me was the batch of kraft mac and cheese i made when i was a poor undergraduate student. didn’t have milk, so we mixed up a batch of ‘coffeemate non dairy creamer’. blechhhh. we ate the entire mess. hungry is hungry. broke is broke.