Another excursion into the medical slaughterhouse today for ol’ daisyfae… i love narcotics. for pain. seriously – just. for. pain.
i had very minor knee surgery this afternoon. roto-rooter of cartilege shredded while attempting to shred a snow an ice covered mountain molehill on skis earlier this winter… a few days of mandatory R&R, which includes a stack of books, magazines, catching up on season 4 of “Weeds”, and unlimited time to surf the internet. while jacked to the stratosphere on the “V”. stand by for even MORE annoying commentary in the blogosphere…
seeing as i’m once again* sailing on pain meds, here are a few ‘scores and highlights’ from my day…
Knee surgery requires me to be flat on my back for 3 days, “toes above nose” to prevent swelling. My kids are in town, and are at the helm regarding my care and feeding**. As we went through the minimal requirements they need to cover through the weekend, this exchange occurred:
daisyfae: yeah, i can see you tormenting me as i’m pinned to the bed…”‘want a cookie? huh? huh?” while holding it out of reach…
The Boy: More like “want a pain killer? huh? huh? ooops! that one was for me…. here’s another one? do you want it? huh?”
Had a friend drive me to the surgery – he’s “paying it forward” so i can drive him to his next colonoscopy. This is what single people do. Barter spousal-esque favors with other pathetic and unwanted single friends…
Before leaving, i wrote the kids phone numbers on a post-it note for my friend, and left his phone number on the table. The kids were in the kitchen, farting around with food. From the living room, i loudly said “i’m leaving his phone number for you on the table, if you want to check in, or have questions about anything…”.
They collectively said “what? huh?” from the kitchen. Poking my head around the corner, packed up and ready to leave, they assaulted me “How to you get this microwave to cook something on half power?”. Thoughtful little fuckers, ain’t they? This then turned into “So, what time are you getting home? Can you stop for some burritos at “Casa AssFire” on the way back?” They were kidding. i think…
Surgery was scheduled for 2:oo pm, so i worked showed up at the office this morning. Since i was not allowed to eat solids after midnight, and only had a nutrition drink/diet coke for breakfast at 7:00 am, i was hungry. And not caffeinated. As the fates would have it, it was an unofficial “aromatic junk food day” at work. The candy jars on the admin desks had been freshly stocked with the good stuff – not the leftover, gummified, formerly-hard christmas candy. Tasty sugar-encrusted bagels – with yummy raspberry cream cheese – abandoned on a table in the hallway where the vultures gather.
And the worst? While hanging out with the computer geeks support folks to get my office laptop repaired so i can stay wired while horizontal, they took delivery of a metric ton of hot wings, bleu cheese dressing and other things that made me salivate. i exacted revenge by leaving dribble spots on the ancient carpet squares… Bastards.
Since i wouldn’t be driving myself home, i had to write down the name of the “responsible person” with me. After writing his name on the form, there was a question of “relationship to patient”. i gleefully used the opportunity to write “statistically significant other“. After i was prepped for surgery – which included ANOTHER pregnancy check, looking for little Houdini – the nurse went to retrieve my friend so he could keep me company backstage in pre-op. He was giggling pretty hard, because the nurse had gone to the waiting room and asked for “daisyfae’s statistically significant other…”
Not as much fun with the anaesthesiologist today. He sure was purty, though. Went through the drill… checked my teeth… all that crap. When he asked “Do you have any questions?” i replied with my stock “What’s the capitol of North Dakota?”. Without missing a beat, he said “Bismark”. Woo hoo! The man knows his state capitols. Gave me confidence that he wouldn’t accidently gas me to Neptune while watching the NCAA basketball games on the monitors…
The Girl is handling kitchen duty tonight. Made her bring me a cinnamon bagel before she went on the magazine run. After that? Turkey and Swiss on Wheat, with a beer. Beer and Vicodan. It’s whutz fer supper…
Goofin’ in the pre-op room with my friend. He took a couple pictures of me, wired up to the IV pole, eyes crossed, and tongue lolling sideways towards my ear. He sent these via text message to the kids, and a few friends. The replies?
The Boy: That’s good. (later found out that they had no idea who had sent the pic… thought it could have been from the hospital)
The Girl: Thanks! That picture is totally going on the fridge.
RJAK: She looks awesome! Just sent that out on the global distribution e-mail list at work…
* worth revisiting the post on my last surgery – only for the comments! y’all are a funny bunch of people…
** i can get up for potty breaks. which is a good thing. they’ve made it clear that they would have nothing to do with THAT task… i’ll need to be at least 30-40 years older, and have a much higher net worth – making myself much more valuable dead – for that to happen…
Sounds like my surgery for a torn Achille’s tendon, including the three days flat. What was better about mine is that I spent it gorked on a higher dose of Oxycontin than I needed. And I had a job interview on Monday. Which I didn’t make.
Enjoy the drugs while they last. All too soon they come to the end. Except for me. With my knees I get Vicodin any time I want it.
Your mandatory R+R sounds like a perfect vacation to me. Hummm…I wonder if I could parlay a day like that into some kind of paying gig?
You MUST post the pic! Please?
Oh, so that picture was you? I thought it was a viral promo for remake of the The Twilight Zone.
i think now would be a great time for the kids to have a throw down party …what are you going to do, race out of the bedroom and stomp your (bad) foot loudly for them to quit?
as to the drugs, i’d suggest saving those as alternate potential barter for future favors from friends. for your knee pain today, you can always go with plentiful Scotch
Sorry about the confinement. Your SSO sounds like a good person.
Such clever wit…you make me laugh! Enjoy your little break from the norm…
silverstar – not really in much pain! have been horizontal for all but about 20 minutes since i got home, and no signs of swelling. in fact, it already hurts less NOW than it did before i got drilled. modern medicine rocks. i’ll be good to go in a couple weeks – and looking forward to a meet up in Seattle! woo hoo! won’t need to borrow The Scarlet Pimp from you!
unbearable banishment – no pain. The Girl is good with the magazine selection: New Yorker, Harpers, The Atlantic, Vanity Fair and The Onion. That’s a good weekend. Not sure how to turn it into a paying gig, though. i’d be happy to be your Chief non-Operating Officer if you figure it out! can’t seem to get the pic from my friends phone to my wireless account… but it doesn’t look much different than the one i chose.
kyknoord – c’mon. you don’t know what movie that picture is from? it’s totally your kind of stupid. you didn’t recognize her?
gnu kid – naw… they know better. i’ve got crutches, which would leave quite the imprint on their irresponsible little asses if they tried it. The Girl wanted to get me a bell to ring, but i’ve been using text messages. if they fail to respond? i’ll get out the shock collar. and withold the recreational drugs…
annie – a little forced rest is not a bad thing. especially for a hyper-drive monkey like me. my SSO? is the best. simply the best. worlds most patient, tolerant and loveable man…
bent – thanks! life’s too short to sweat the small stuff. considering that i got this injury while taking a ski lesson on the bunny slopes? knee surgery isn’t the worst thing that could have happened…
I had surgery a few years ago and had to be flat for a day. I hated waking up, in pain and noone was able to hear my very weak moans for help (this while in the recovery room) Did they make you pee before you left so they know the anaesthesiologist didn’t screw up…Loved my pregnancy test also–Tubes are tied and I was having my monthly visit on that day(with very clear evidence)–my bill showed that the test cost $19…I refused to lay down on the bed until I was in for surgery. My Anaesthesiologist (Doogie Howser looking punk)was having a good laugh when my surgeon showed up. Good thing I loved my surgeon….
You are so lucky to be able to take the old “V” no narcs for me–big allergies…had to take extra strength tylenol—
Hey–do you have a JP tube in–(jackson pratt tube) helps with the swelling–If so–good luck when it comes out–if not you’re so lucky
SSO–love it…always good to have a laugh rather than be anxious while waiting.
“barter spousal-esque favours”? best idea ever. I’m moving house next week and need me some heavy muscle…. all I’m offering is a blow job…
“Airplane” – You can’t miss with the classics.
Nurse stop torturing people with cruel, cruel jokes!
And Daisy, beer and vicodan isn’t funny, unless theres photos. So tell the kids to snap away.
Hope you feel well soon, and stay away from the booze/drugs combo, please!
hisqueen – your situation sounds much more challenging! i woke up in no pain, happy to be awake, and very ready to go home. probably no more than 30 min in recovery before i was getting dressed and being wheeled to the car! no ‘tube’. this was very minor, and i’m amazed at the complete lack of pain… lucky pup!
nursemyra – moving house again? ugh! i’m sure with a barter-offer like that? there will be a line of burly men with trucks outside your door…
uncle keith – of course! “Airplane” is perhaps my most favorite comedy ever. stupid, stupid, stupid – and just my kind of stupid at that!
alex – there are photos. last night, a friend was over for gin and tonics, girl scout cookies and pizza (no painkillers, other than the gin). as i was ordering my daughter around with some wall hangings, i made an attempt to position a mask over the fireplace. while wearing a t-shirt and underoos. naturally, my friend got that pic – me with the knee brace, standing on the fireplace… butt hanging out to the world. come to think of it, i need to get that iPhone and delete that pic. could be bad news…
cat – haven’t had one painkiller since the first night… and yes, i’m much more cautious than it appears from my cavalier comments. feeling fabulous… and still parked with my feet up and liking the forced R&R…
“Statistically significant other” is awesome. :))
I guess Colonoscopy Mate was not quite on the mark. But it could be. 🙂
I would love three days on my back. Of course, I don’t want to be alone when that happens. I would definitely demand personalized service then too. Sorry. Nasty smartassery is high today.
roto-rooter for the knee, eh?
I’m slowly making it out of the woods but I gotta agree, Vicodin fucking rocks.
The doctor asked me if I wanted anything for pain and I told her ‘anything but that candy-ass tylenol with codeine crap’
I’m thinkin’ she got the message.
Your boy taunting you with the pain meds (want one? oops, one for me . . .)
Sorry to say, I do that to my wife. With ice cream.
I know. I’m a heartless bastard.
Take care of yourself, okay?
Thanks for dropping by.
You found a man who knows state capitals?! And you didn’t marry him on the spot? Get his number–I’m SO giving it to my sister! 🙂 feel better soon!
Toes above nose? Not quite as interesting as ankles over ears, but at least there’s painkillers.
fragrant liar – Will have to figure out what to call myself when i take him in for the colonoscopy. Perhaps ‘bile buddy’? i’ve had friends and my kids keeping me company… not feeling particularly attractive with that big white TED pressure stocking on my right leg, though…
michael – after my first night home, i’ve had no need for the pain pills. don’t know if you can get some much ‘knee-ded’ relief from arthroscopic surgery, but it’s been pretty miraculous from where i
awalkabout – anesthesiologist was rather pretty, too. i was too groggy from the anti-nausea meds to check for a ring. i’m likely to bust up the other knee just for a return trip, so i’ll be more attentive next time!
renalfailure – will need to work on my flexibility to get back to ‘ankles above ears’, but now that i’ve been successfully repaired, there’s a chance…
Knee surgery requires me to be flat on my back for 3 days
Is *that* what you’re calling it these days?
dolce – not as though i need an excuse for that, now, do i?