an airport song

Sung to the tune of “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star”…

Screaming Baby, stop that noise!

Can’t you go ingest small toys?

Would it be to much to ask…

That you drop this dreadful task?

Then i could web surf in peace…

And you could shut the fuck up, sleep, or just wander off with your mother to the bathroom and make sure that you are not on the flight sitting within 15 rows of my tired, hungover ass… Don’t make me teach your momma how to play a game of “baby in the airport dumpster”.*

BRAINS... TASTY BRAINS....

BRAINS... TASTY BRAINS....

*yes.  it doesn’t rhyme.  true poetry doesn’t have to…

The Scene:  Airport seating area.  Me?  Laptop plugged into one of the few available electrical outlets – so i can’t move.  Her?  On the fucking phone while her toddler S.C.R.E.A.M.S. bloody murder.  For 15 minutes.  Kid is clawing at her for attention.  Rolling on the floor.  Shoving the stroller around.  Mom calmly yaps on phone.  Brain cells drip slowly from my ears.  One. At. A. Time…

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20 thoughts on “an airport song

  1. You should totally get one of those cell phone jammers like Unbearable Banishment. You could have used it to kill two birds by abruptly ending that mother’s call, then by hitting her over the head with it in a repetitive fashion. The whole scene would probably make the baby laugh as well. Win win win. I’m here to help.

  2. I am one of those people who are so up others asses for such rudeness. I try to politely ask if there is something I could do to help them with their baby or my favorite way is to loudly comment while looking at said offender. I am suprised that an airport employee had no gumption to say something.

  3. @Pickles: Yeah! A cell phone jammer! In the airport! Great fun watching the airplanes crash too! Ha Ha. (I know. Jammers don’t reach that far. Yet.) Wait. Get a green laser! Have cell phone jammer and green laser. Will travel.

    Seems like a good place to echo a recent comment at Uncle Keith’s place:

    Notable quotables:

    Ron White: “You cain’t fix stupid!”

    Harvey Danger: “…been around the world and found that only stupid people are breeding…”

    Seriously, I cannot fathom how parents can so blithely ignore the fact that their infant is disrupting the lives of everyone in ear shot. Common sense, common courtesy and consideration for others have all gone the way of the passenger pigeon. Shot out of the sky in great f*cking numbers.

    Hey I know. Get some ear plugs for yourself. Download the “mosquito” tones that those of us over 30 can’t here. Crank up the volume on the laptop and play those mosquitoes!

    Okay. I’ll shut up now.

  4. I love my cell phone jammer but I wouldn’t bring it ANYWHERE NEAR an airport! My bag would be x-rayed and since it kinda looks like a detanator, I’d have some ‘splanin to do to the nice policeman. My in-laws would have my head mounted on the wall of their family room.

  5. I’m with hisqueen – I just have to say something. and you know how polite and considerate I am don’t you daisyfae? when it comes to screaming kids and mothers on cell phones I turn into quite the harridan

  6. @Dolce- for the child or the mother?

    Whatever happened to “children should be seen and not heard?” Unless you’re on the phone negotiating a billion dollar deal, the kid’s needs should come first. Says she who has had no children. They are like Alzheimer’s patients, you ask, “bathroom, thirsty, hungry, tired?” Once you figure out what they need, they become much pleasanter.

  7. There is a time and place for everything.
    Sometimes, two things you can do in one place, should not be done together in another.
    (gosh, so ambiguous!)
    Talking on a cell phone= commonly acceptable
    Screaming child= it happens
    Talking on a phone at the airport= acceptable
    Ignoring your child while they are screaming as though Satan has them= Not acceptable.

    Silence is golden.
    Duct tape is silver.

  8. pickles – you, ma’am, are a genius! i’m likely to order the cell phone jammer, but i’m not sure about using it in an airport with all those avionics around. then again, if it can shut up a screaming toddler? what’s a few planes crashing on the tarmac?

    hisqueen – i admire your approach, especially the “can i help you get this screaming child under control?” tactic. i like that… that seems the best thing for all. i’d have a problem, though, in that i’m not good with children, and if the mother took me up on the offer, i’d have no clue….

    rob – there are so many other parents, though, that are frantically trying to keep their kids under control. my heart breaks for those folks… carrying metric tons of toys, snacks, electronic games and blanketry to try to mollify the little critters… those folks are heros. i didn’t put my kids on a plane until they were 9 and 11. because i’d spent too much time watching the parents suffer…

    unbearable banishment – rob is right, the power on the jammer is so low, that it would be of no consequence to the planes. it might, however, affect radio comms for the gate agents working the cattle ramps when the planes come in. i’m going to get one anyway and see what i can do in airports. to disguise it? put it with an electrical testing kit (the kind an electrician carries) and stick it in the suitcase.

    awalkabout – i am certainly ‘beatnik’ material. ‘hero’? notsomuch! 🙂

    tigereyesal – you know, there was a teeny-tiny part of me admiring the mom. so many parents are completely whipped by their children. in the far reaches of my mind was the thought that perhaps the kid was a perpetual screaming extortionist, and the mother was simply being responsible by NOT responding. but soon? the kids screaming drove that thought from my head…

    alex – i sometimes like them. with a nice chianti and some fava beans…

    tysdaddy – rubber bands? pinging at the mom? BRILLIANT! will need to throw a few in my briefcase. we used to shoot paperclips at each other in the office using rubber bands. those sting. and can put an eye out. at least, that’s what my boss told me when he wrote up that reprimand…

    nursemyra – yes. i’ve seen you take phenomenal abuse with grace and class, while i could do nothing more than politely take my leave and walk away. a screaming baby in an airport got NOTHING on a sociopath! 🙂

    dolce – i didn’t have any darvocet on me to put in my whiskey. oh. you meant the baby…

    kyknoord – brilliant! i love my comment family! y’all are the best. oh, and “Fake”? 😉

    silverstar – “bathroom? thirsty? hungry? tired?” is my new mantra. for everyone who is cranky. including strangers. or the children of strangers…

    stephanie – duct tape. either for my ears, momma’s mouth, or to hog tie the kid and really give it something to cry about!

  9. i will never have children.

    mostly because i know that i will shake the baby until it’s quiet.

    nobody wants that on their record.

  10. Ah, Airports. Always a good time. Your entry reminds me of a true story @ LAX, two years ago at the Southwest terminal. A very crowded morning and the peeps were edgy & rude (Hmm, imagine that). The line to board was very long (like those seen at soup lines) when suddely some guy lost his breakfast right there in front of everyone. Ubiquitous Puke in many colors and textures. Well, that certainly changed the mood. Father once told me to always look for opportunities as they come when least expected. So, I merely dodged left and ducked right and found myself at the front of the line. Opportunities; grab em’ when you can. Thanks Dad !

  11. daisymae – i was able to resist the urge with mine. but screaming babies are very tough. definitely not something that’ll help you get a juicy post-doc assignment…

    WTG – Welcome to The Park — LOVE the opportunist in you! Travel buddies and i have considered staging diversions on our own for such cases… you let nature be your diversion!

    Bb – i’d stop at the ‘ban babies’ part… i don’t care for them in restaurants or movie theaters either…

  12. Pingback: Awww…. isn’t that precious? « Trailer Park Refugee

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