Death-Wish, Doggie Style

Is it possible for a dog to have suicidal tendencies?  Perhaps.  There’s a case from The Trailer Park where a miserable Pekingese hung himself on my sisters basement stairs, but that’s a story for another day… This one falls, unfortunately, in the category of “current events”.

Mr. Pickles has once again survived an attempt at “Death by Chocolate”.  Last christmas, after The Girl stayed up all night baking a double batch of Chocolate Peanut Butter Biscotti, we were faced with a morning mystery.  While at work, i received a call from The Irate Girl, asking if i’d put away some of the biscotti she’d left on the counter.  Negatory… But somehow about half of it was gone.  The half that was on the edge of the kitchen counter…

Seeing a large brown animal, sporting a suspicious belly lump, skulking under the kitchen table, she deduced that Mr. P had helped himself to some chocolatey goodness when no one was looking… Fortunately, he is a large pup, and the chocolate was dilute enough, that he only had a serious bout of ‘doggie drizzlies’, with no need for veterinarial follow up… 

Chocolate can be deadly for dogs.  A few years ago, we had to hospitalize our smaller, yet more ferocious dog, Turbo, when she ferreted out the 2lb box of dark chocolate truffles, beautifully wrapped and under the tree*.  Not only was she tweaking like a cokehead, she’d either heaved or shat approximately 2lbs of chocolate-colored lugubrious secretions all over my kilim rug.  Which went directly to the dumpster…

After my holiday baking frenzy on Sunday, i’d carefully placed all potential hazards out of reach.  Most on the kitchen bar, but one tray of Chocolate-Peppermint Brownie Thingies** on the counter next to the sink.  Counter tops in this kitchen are a bit higher than the old one, so i didn’t think they were at risk…

Returning home around midnight from a holiday pub run, i found Mr. P slinking around the kitchen… looking guilty.

Guilty Brown Dog

Exhibit A: Guilty Brown Dog

And shortly thereafter, spied the half-empty tray of choco-peppermint death nuggets…

Mint Chocolate Drizzlies... which perhaps should be renamed...

Exhibit B: Mint Chocolate Drizzlies... which perhaps should be renamed...

Despite being five pints gone, i was able to do the math and make the connection… He wasn’t tweaking, so i reloaded his water bowl and hoped that the dilute levels of chocolate in his large brown body wouldn’t be toxic.  i then proceeded to yell at him, as he cowered in the corner.  The really cool thing about dogs?  You don’t need to hit them.  It’s overkill.  With just my voice, i got the little junkie to sit in the corner like the only subservient wormboy at a sadists convention.  Where he stayed even after i left the room.

i left him to stew as i got ready for bed, eventually “made up” with him, and he hopped up and snored on the adjacent pillow as if nothing was wrong.  Which it wasn’t.  Until i got up this morning.  And smelled it… wafting up from downstairs…

In the theater room.  In a perfect nautilus arc, which is his signature.  A choco-poo slime trail on the carpet, just inside the door.  Not, mind you, on the indestructible vinyl plank flooring*** i’d just had installed in the billiards room.  A mere two feet away… yes, he had to walk farther to get to the carpet. 

The mutt defies death yet again – barely.  Big critter can handle his chocolate.  The Girl didn’t kill him last year, and i didn’t take him down this year. Yet.

——————-

* Will never forget the call from a twisted, sarcastic veterinarian, who had just pumped Turbo full of emetic (Ipecac) to make her cac.  His words: “Just wanted you to know, we found the cherry…”.  Ewwww….

** They sound better than they taste…

*** i chose this stuff for it’s indestructibility.  Guaranteed to be waterproof, i’ve already tested it, and certified it “beer-proof”.  The Boy has also provided a testimonial that it’s impervious to blood, and perhaps a few other body fluids…

20 thoughts on “Death-Wish, Doggie Style

  1. TigerEye Sal – Welcome to The Park! they were anything but festive… UGH!

    unbearable banishment – yes. i do. he was a key part of an easier transition to living alone for the first time in my life, and probably a key part of the reason that i’m finding i love it. except for yesterday morning… and similar moments… (sigh)

    alex – cats can’t possibly look guilty, can they? i suppose there are a few “rogue cats” who have the appearance of conscience, but they are outcast from general cat society…

    ame i – thought about the fake “dog treat” chocolate, but afraid that using a methodone-like approach would only make his cravings worse. next thing? he’d be building stepping stones up to the baking cupboard to snort the cocoa powder…

    nursemyra – they are pretty damn decadent… my personal favorite are the simple orange pecan variety. i’ll show her a pic of your young ‘un and see if we can make some magic start to happen!

  2. i’m thinking this ‘danger’ stuff runs in the family…. between stories of The Boy, Danger Monkey Girl, and, oh yeah, some of your exploits, Mr. P. staring potential death in the face for a few (very yummy sounding) cookies is nothin’. maybe it’s something in the water.

  3. Smart dog (chocolate addiction notwithstanding) to go to the carpet. You don’t get back splatter from carpet like you do from plank flooring.

    Glad that he’s okay. So far anyways.

    Best wishes to you and yours this holiday season daisyfae!

  4. gnu – i raised them to live life aggressively. Mr. P, however, is supposed to provide the “comfort” function. He’s definitely malfunctioning. Off to the repair shop for him…

    dolce – the biscotti is much better. i make the christmassy shit to add color to the cookie plate. bling. nothing more… and i’d like to think eating them wouldn’t give you the shits.

    kyknoord – you’re a genius. he has been throwing paw-signs in the ‘hood. bitches ain’t shit… hmmm…

    stephanie – you know dogs. minor infractions and they’ll play innocent. but they know when they’ve done the ‘big nasty’. every time. prior dog would act guilty when the other dog did something wrong. very funny…

    rob – hadn’t looked at it that way. but the carpeted areas are now blocked off – just in case. he’s fine. goofy as ever, but fine… merry christmas!

    uncle keith – is there an exorcism ritual in keitholicism that can cleanse him of his demon? does it involve electrodes?

    nm – merry christmas to you! soak up some of that southern hemisphere sunshine for me! xx

    annie – at this point? i’m thinking hard about a cat… i think you made a good call… dogs are loads of love, and loads of… um… loads….

    silverstar – i’m thinking ‘bearproof’. i’ll be more careful next year – this is the only time of year it’s an issue. the kitchen and i are not close personal friends! might have to clear the top of the fridge next year!

  5. squirrelqueen – the voice of shared experience. it seems no matter what i do, somehow there’s always rogue chocolate that gets past me, and into a canine colon… will try harder next year. and get on with the carpet shampooing shortly…

  6. dean – thanks for stopping by! he’s a chocolate lab. naturally. we ‘rescued’ him, so i’m not sure what the original owners paid for him. they are loving, delightful and cuddly pups (90 pounds), but have a mild form of doggie “attention deficit disorder”… when i call his name to get him to come to me? he looks up, wags his tail saying “Hi!” and goes about his business….

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