i spend a lot of time looking at my dog’s ass.
Now that i’m living in Oldsville a condo, Mr. P must be walked at least twice a day, with a few mercy pit-stops off the porch. We both adapted fairly quickly to the new routine. At first he walked along a bit skittishly, sniffing and zig-zagging all over the place as he acclimated to the new smells. Within a few weeks, he was striding along confidently – lord of his domain, with spring in his step and his tail held high.
Which is why i spend a lot of time looking at his ass.
And for the life of me, i am mystified by one particular aspect of his behavior. How does he choose that special location upon which to drop his dog logs? This is not a casual process. He will sniff each individual blade of grass, retracing his steps to see if he missed something the first time, eventually either moving on to a different patch of grass, or finally pulling in the back legs into that classic scrunch that says “This is the chosen place”.
Further mystifying me? He executes the challenging “Walking Poo” maneuver. Rather than stand still in the international “dog crapping” stance (inverted triangle position), he steps forward as he unloads. Sometimes covering 10 feet in a single dump, he walks in a counter-clockwise arc as he lays dog cable.* His unique signature may someday come to my rescue, however.
Some of the local dog owners are not doing a very good job as Poopie Police. Yes, they rudely leave the droppings where they lie – which is in violation of the homeowners association rules. And the non-dog owners are cranky. Violators are on notice that if caught, they’ll be fined.
Since Mr. P is the largest dog in the development, we are quite recognizable**. Wanting to be a good neighbor, i’m diligent about picking up Mr. Pickles solid waste – and it’s not the highlight of my day to put the ol’ blue baggie on my hand and squish up warm dog turds that are large enough to be visible from LANDSAT. But i do it.
On these walks, as i’m staring at my dogs ass and wondering what goes through his head*** when choosing the perfect dumping ground, i have contemplated being brought to the Homeowners Association “court” for Dog Poo Violations. In my fantasy? i am representing myself at the trial****, explaining that Exhibit A could NOT POSSIBLY have been unloaded by Mr. Pickles. Exhibit B is a video of my dog taking a crap – and walking in a perfect nautilus arc as he paints the grassy canvas brown…
Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, i rest my case! “If the poo doesn’t fit, you must acquit”
* Could you do this? Walk while you’re “dropping off the kids at the pool?” Pretty impressive, if you think about it…
** Since it got cold, i wear a bright purple ski parka, an icelandic wool cap covered in Puffins- with ear flaps, and black and white polka dot boots. It’s always about fashion over function with me…
*** “Not here, nope, nope, nope, not this one, nope, nope, nope, maybe this? nope, nope nope….”
**** Wearing a stunning suit. With boots. Yes, tall, scary boots….