Canine Retentive

i spend a lot of time looking at my dog’s ass.

Now that i’m living in Oldsville a condo, Mr. P must be walked at least twice a day, with a few mercy pit-stops off the porch.   We both adapted fairly quickly to the new routine.  At first he walked along a bit skittishly, sniffing and zig-zagging all over the place as he acclimated to the new smells.  Within a few weeks, he was striding along confidently – lord of his domain, with spring in his step and his tail held high.

Which is why i spend a lot of time looking at his ass.

And for the life of me, i am mystified by one particular aspect of his behavior.  How does he choose that special location upon which to drop his dog logs?  This is not a casual process.  He will sniff each individual blade of grass, retracing his steps to see if he missed something the first time, eventually either moving on to a different patch of grass, or finally pulling in the back legs into that classic scrunch that says “This is the chosen place”.

Further mystifying me?  He executes the challenging “Walking Poo” maneuver.  Rather than stand still in the international “dog crapping” stance (inverted triangle position), he steps forward as he unloads.  Sometimes covering 10 feet in a single dump, he walks in a counter-clockwise arc as he lays dog cable.*  His unique signature may someday come to my rescue, however.

Some of the local dog owners are not doing a very good job as Poopie Police.  Yes, they rudely leave the droppings where they lie – which is in violation of the homeowners association rules.  And the non-dog owners are cranky.  Violators are on notice that if caught, they’ll be fined.

Since Mr. P is the largest dog in the development, we are quite recognizable**.  Wanting to be a good neighbor, i’m diligent about picking up Mr. Pickles solid waste – and it’s not the highlight of my day to put the ol’ blue baggie on my hand and squish up warm dog turds that are large enough to be visible from LANDSAT.  But i do it.

On these walks, as i’m staring at my dogs ass and wondering what goes through his head*** when choosing the perfect dumping ground, i have contemplated being brought to the Homeowners Association “court” for Dog Poo Violations.  In my fantasy?  i am representing myself at the trial****, explaining that Exhibit A could NOT POSSIBLY have been unloaded by Mr. Pickles.  Exhibit B is a video of my dog taking a crap – and walking in a perfect nautilus arc as he paints the grassy canvas brown… 

Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, i rest my case!  “If the poo doesn’t fit, you must acquit”


* Could you do this?  Walk while you’re “dropping off the kids at the pool?”  Pretty impressive, if you think about it…

** Since it got cold, i wear a bright purple ski parka, an icelandic wool cap covered in Puffins- with ear flaps, and black and white polka dot boots.  It’s always about fashion over function with me…

*** “Not here, nope, nope, nope, not this one, nope, nope, nope, maybe this? nope, nope nope….”

**** Wearing a stunning suit.  With boots.  Yes, tall, scary boots….

18 thoughts on “Canine Retentive

  1. Glad to virtually stumble upon your site here Daisyfae. I’m looking forward to reading more.
    Oh and being that I’m Pickles, my husband could potentially be…your dog? And here I thought he was going on those nightly walks alone. Let’s be sure (I’ve seen your science in previous posts) – I’ll give him corn at dinner tomorrow.

  2. Maybe if he stood in one place to poop the pile would get so high he would be sitting on it. Now would you want to sit on poop?

  3. i spend a lot of time looking at my dog’s ass.

    Best. Opening. Blog. Post. Line. Ever.

    Our old dearly departed Bugsy would select the lawn that had the owner out and about and keeping an eye on us whenever he “assumed the position”.

    ElderD’s Loki (a shepherd something cross) also does the trot and drop, much to ElderD’s dismay. Must be a big dog thing.

    Best story I ever heard: Somewhere in eastern Canada a municipality entreated its citizens to not completely fill plastic trash sacks with thawing dog turds in the spring. Seems a hapless trash collector was, well, doused when a plastic trash sack literally full of wet thawing dog shit *exploded* as it entered the compaction part of the truck. I’ll bet that trash collector doesn’t the trash get squished anymore. Assuming he’s still working…

  4. If you had an attack dog no one would bother you… I always wonder about the look on the dogs face when they do the business, its either that look of complete excitement, or ‘good I hope no ones looking’. But I think the both of us might be putting to much thought into it!

  5. can you imagine if human’s had tails? It would sort out a lot of the bullshit. No more bluffing at poker or playing in cool infront of a hot Boy. Your wag would give you away.

  6. Although I am diligent, and always have been with Friday, some of the folks in my building were less so. Until recently when a sign stuck in a bucket of concrete appeared at our front door, with the words to the local law, and what the fine could be. The neighborhood is suddenly pristine.

    Friday and I are well known in our neighborhood, too. We can’t get away with anything.

  7. you’re not just covertly hiding the fact that you’re taking dumps outside and blaming them on Mr. P., are you? okay, no… that’s just not right. but then, neither am i…

  8. Pickles – Welcome to the Trailer Park, Mrs. Pickles! i like your scientific method – perhaps as controls, we’ll need corn and peanuts…

    heartbreaktown – good point! maybe that’s part of the reason he chooses a different spot every day?

    rob – good to know there are other walkin’ poo doggies… i think it’s a talent. and there is spray you can buy to “freeze” the turds, making it unsquishy and easy to pick up….

    alex – one of my prior dogs always looked around, kinda bored, when he did his thing. kinda like he wanted to be reading the newspaper or something…. and good point about the attack dogs. guess they don’t look so scary when they’re scrunched…

    nm – for you? ok… but that one’s not likely to get posted. people at work tell me i look special – especially with the flaps down…

    dolce – and when the pub is out of Old Speckled Hen, i couldn’t hide the tail dropping between my legs… good thing we are tailless…

    silverstar – can you get a “poo bucket” for Epona? it could serve a double purpose – if anyone tried to mug you, you could toss poo bombs at them!

    kyknoord – yes… mobile land masses are entirely due to my dog. the secret is exposed…..

    gnu kid – in Oldsville, they calculate our sewer bills by the flush… i’m doing my part to conserve water…. Shhhhh……

  9. I sometimes take care of Chief, my daughter’s English Bulldog.
    When he needs to go out … I put on his leash and head out the door with him leading me along.
    We live in a neighborhood with one house next to another.
    Sometimes he revisits previous landing zones and even though I use those doggie bags … I can’t help but feel I’m returning to the scene of a crime.
    His ass is pretty low to the ground so I don’t look at it much.

  10. I’ve spent a lot of time gazing at my cat’s ass. Mostly because it’s an unusual sort of pucker that’s kind of comical, and generally a pretty clean pucker at that. I know why, of course — cat’s like to keep the personal potty area tidy. If only they could take out their own poo from the sandbox, I’d really be impressed. A dog’s butt has nothing on a cat’s butt. Trust me.


  11. uncle keith – let me guess: you were attempting to write your name in the snow? in any case, i’m not surprised, but impressed nonetheless…

    annie – there is certainly a yin and a yang with dog partnerships… i’m struggling between picking up another pup, or getting a cat-mate for my pup for all of those reasons…

    practically joe – hope your back is doing better! a shorter dog (with a smaller intestinal tract) would certainly make the problem more manageable. but i don’t like little yappy dogs… a dog must make a good “thump” sound when you pound it on the ribs, or it’s not a real dog. a bulldog would be ok – on a scale of butchiosity – so i need to reconsider… wonder how they “thump”…

    KJ – my dog spends a lot of time – and i mean A LOT of time – cleansing his sphincter. in fact, when i’m trying to go to sleep i have to yell at him “STOP LICKING YOUR ASS, YOU DENSE MOTHERFUCKER, CAN’T YOU SEE I’M TRYING TO SLEEP UP HERE?!?!?” just to get him to lay off for a few hours… i’d let him run head to head – or “pucker to pucker” with any cat…

  12. One of my hounds is a walking pooper, but I attribute it to the fact that she appears to be eternally surprised that something is coming out of her butt and must turn to check out the latest anal departure. She makes more of a concentric circular path with her poop, turn, ponder, poop, turn, ponder method.

  13. nm – working on it… had temporarily misplaced it, but the Puffins are in the house…

    squirrel queen – that’s a riot! i had a dog that was always surprised by his own farts! would look at his butt as if magic had just occurred… with that look of doggie amazement!

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