Cold turkey

Filed again under “what the fuck was i thinking?”…

For the past 30 years a local village has a Thanksgiving Day “Turkey Trot”.  Five miles.  Not five “K”, but five “miles”.  Advertised as a “flat, fast course”, typically 6,000 people show up to run, walk, push strollers and drink coffee at 8:00 Thanksgiving morning.  Costume contest to get things rolling, and the mayor himself sings the national anthem… Folksy enough to make me want to wear plaid and buy firearms.

Last year i did it, without much pain and suffering.  i’d completed my first half-marathon just a month before, and with the best of intentions of continuing my training through the winter, i signed up for the five miler.  Right.  Other than a few training runs over the winter, and a clydesdale-esque performance at a Colon Run in March, i haven’t done much with it.  My ass turned to lead*.

Managed to maintain a reasonable degree of fitness over the summer with a regular biking program, but once again i’ve “lumped up” like so much leftover gravy.  Re-committing to a gentle training program a few weeks back, i decided to hit the Turkey Trot. 

At least it wasn’t raining.  But it was 24 F at 7:30 yesterday morning. Did i mention that this is filed under “what the fuck was i thinking?” 

These events drive home the painful point: some of us are truly built for comfort, rather than speed.  The “elite” runners (who start the race from the “Elite Runner Corral”) finished in about 30 minutes.  Yes.  That’s 5 minute miles.  Bastards.  We hate them.  Last year?  i used the “run/walk” technique – ran 4 minutes, walked 1 minute.  This year?  Swap that… and add 16 minutes to my overall time.  Ye-owch**. 

Following a 3 hour recovery nap, it was off to dinner with friends***.  i ate.  a lot.  Fortunately my dessert was a massive failure, or i’d have eaten more.  Dragged myself to the car like an engorged tick, came home and passed out… Leaving a slug-trail of gravy from the door all the way to my bed. 

So i try again.  Another re-commit.  Will attempt to stay with it… This time have adopted a couple of training buddies to help prod, poke and push me out from under the covers.  i’ll grow to hate them, no doubt.

Eat me

Eat me

sourced from

* “Ass to lead”?  Hmmm… if i could find an alchemist to convert the lead to gold i’d be set…

** There’s one less darvocet in the “emergency fund” arsenal…

*** Funny how a holiday spent with friends is SO MUCH LESS STRESSFUL than the ones i spend with extended family.  The Trailer Park arrives here on Saturday for a holiday gathering.  i am honestly looking forward to it, though.  But will likely need emergency therapy immediately after the event…

14 thoughts on “Cold turkey

  1. Good grief woman! You essentially just had surgery not too long ago. What the fuck were you thinking??

    I can’t talk though. I figured a vasectomy was just a simple, routine procedure and as I had previously booked a week long golf vacation there was no way I was canceling out. Let’s just say my golfing buddies were glad we were carting it. They did get tired of my moaning though and began to be a little disgusted by constant need to wear an icepack in my shorts whenever we were back at the condo…

  2. “Leaving a slug-trail of gravy from the door all the way to my bed.”
    That’s about as close to physical activity as I got yesterday.
    Good job on finishing your 5-miler, no matter your finishing time.
    Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours

  3. here in The Wilds of Ohio, we specialize in just such “emergency therapy” you spoke of. i have various therapies available, reasonable rates, guaranteed results. now, i have a specific therapy i think would work wonders for you and i just happen to be running a special on it. call for details!

  4. unbearable banishment – ended the day properly! drugged and passed out cold! will have to lay off the sweet tatas and gravy and keep running… just unhappy with my current state of health…

    rob – was doing run/walk training about 5 days after the procedure. no stitches, so i wasn’t on restrictions… well, other than that pesky ‘no sex’ thing. gotta wonder how you golfed with a bag of frozen peas in your shorts… pics?

    uncle keith – in an ideal world, i’d never run… well, if i had picked better parents, with better genetics, then perhaps i wouldn’t have to even worry about it… just packing too much meat at the moment… getting in the way of a good time!

    annie – in the end? it’s just as much my hatred of clothes shopping that gets me to the gym. i don’t wanna have to buy new clothes!

    mike.the.waiter – my job consists of walking to my desk. sitting for several hours. walking to get coffee. sitting for hours in meetings. walking to my car. not exactly a marathon – physical or intellectual!

    squirrel queen – the goal was to just go out and do it. and i did. and the running part made my ass hurt. so i guess that’s good? seems you had quite the perfect holiday! mine really wasn’t bad either!

    gnu – guaranteed results? That’s an attention getter! Can i get it in writing? Are “results” negotiable? Let’s see how crazy the Trailer Park infestation makes me tomorrow… i may sign up for a year-long program!

  5. silverstar – two goals: show up. finish. Then eat a bagel and go home and sleep. next year i’ll worry about time…

    alex – we’re not doing turkey for this event. i just slop out party food, kibbles and bits, and an assload of soda (no booze, jello shots for this one… don’t want fights). i’m saving the darvocet for ME when they LEAVE!

    KJ – 70? oh, it totally sucks to be you! i’ll send some thermal underoos for when it drops to the frigid 60’s!

    nm – nope! today is the family event…. it will likely be fun and pleasant! kinda looking forward to seeing everyone. enough to do here to keep them all entertained, and my nephew will be measuring for the wet bar he’s going to build in the downstairs man-cave! woo hoo!

  6. Oh, Daisy
    I am so mad I haven’t been stopping by.
    This post had me laughing in so many ways. (crying a bit too)
    I hate laughing at your pain but damn, it’s funny.
    I have a running book that I think you’d like.
    Jeff Galloway?
    If you’re interested, let me know.

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