Rapture* Lite?

Saturday morning**, after a late Friday night… putzing around the Barbie Dream Condo.  Scratching my bits, straightening things up a bit from the night before***.  Finally getting around to the shower…

As i started the steaming water, the doorbell rang.  i grumpily grabbed a towel and shut off the water.  Figured it was one of The Boy’s friends returning for a leftover half can of warm, flat beer lost item… Since these guys are used to me knocking around in my boxers and bra, i decided it was no big deal to let him in while wearing a towel****.

The Mr. Pickles Rov-Alarm was going off full blast, as i stood behind the front door and cracked it open a few inches.  Ummm…. Nope.  Didn’t recognize the well-dressed young man on my front porch. 

daisyfae:  Hi!  Sorry – Ummm… i’m not dressed.  i was expecting someone else.  Can i help you?

disembodied voice of second young man not visible through cracked door:  We’re from…. from the Orthodox Presbyterian Church… just up the road… Uh… would you like a brochure?

daisyfae:  i’d love one!  Thanks, guys!  Have a great day!

The young man i could see was almost knocked over by the nearly airborne body of the other young man, traveling at warp-speed to get off my front porch as quickly as humanly possible.  He was a complete blur… Essentially vaporized before my eyes, after sliding a tri-fold brochure through the crack in the storm door.

Jeebus McGee… What’s the big deal?  i was wearing a towel, for fucksake!  Didn’t really get a good look at either of them – and probably wouldn’t recognize either of them if i passed them on the street.  But that look of terror on that well-scrubbed cherubic face?  Priceless.  It definitely rang a bell…. 

i’ve now got a great technique to get the God Squad off my front porch.  Certainly less messy than a flame thrower…

Saving your sorry heathen ass from hellfire and damnation!

Saving your sorry heathen ass from hellfire, damnation, and a hot shower on a Saturday morning!

* For the non-born again, The Rapture is a BIG DEAL to fundamentalist folk… when Jesus comes back, all of the “saved people” will be instantly vaporized, whisked miraculously to the Glory of Heaven.  The rest of us shall suffer seven years of tribulations… Favorite “rapture” nugget?  Occasionally, i’ll see a car with the bumper sticker – “Warning: Come The Rapture, this car will be driverless”.  Favorite bumper sticker rebuttal? “Come The Rapture: Can i have your car?”

** Technically, it was still morning.  11:00 am is morning…

*** How the fuck did my bra get up there?  Why is there a beer bottle in my shower?  An empty jello box?  Huh?

**** A good sized bath towel, not a wash cloth or hand towel or anything…

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8 thoughts on “Rapture* Lite?

  1. Devil woman filling their young head with thoughts of nakedness. For SHAME! I can remember years ago in Australia a guy got in trouble for feeding hash cakes to some mormons, I always found that funny.

  2. Should have listened to the Mr. Pickles Rov-alarm. He probably wouldn’t have been raising hell if it wasn’t the God squad. My dog that my mother inherited, Heinz, was very good at keeping the God Squad away.

  3. wait a sec here… you prance about in your bra and boxers in front of your son’s friends? so, i’m curious… just how much per hour is psychotherapy for teens nowadays? but, okay, to be honest, i’ll likely also be here with you and many others during that 7 years of tribulation.

  4. my parents are jehovahs witnesses,, and when i was young and belligerent,, someone from their kingdom hall just happened to knck on the door of a house in which i had passed out in a drug induced coma the night before… as the fates would have it,, and although i have no recollection as to why i was stark raving naked,,, i answered the door in all my glory,, and there was some man and his wife that i had had dinner with at my parents house one sunday afternoon in the not so distant past…..

    i wonder if that had anything to do with my parents not speaking to me for the better part of 20 years??????

  5. alex – “feeding hash to mormons” may be the name of my next band! brilliant!

    nm – they weren’t coming, they were DEFINITELY going… hadn’t seen christians move that fast since they stopped feeding them to lions!

    silverstar – Mr. P is an indiscriminate alarm. in fact, if he hears someone ring a doorbell on the tv-tube, he’s in full alert mode. a clown with an axe could smite me when the little bastard is sleeping next to me, though…

    gnu kid – “Suck it up and go to therapy, you whiney little bastard”….

    uncle keith – i think my son already worships at the alter of Keitholicism. my guess is you could not only hang with him and his posse, but you could have them doing your evil bidding as loyal minions… and go ahead. cut to the chase. dare ya…

    kyknoord – agreed, but who’s going to sweep all those Born Again Chitlins off my damn porch? They don’t resurrect themselves, you know…

    paisley – oh. my. goodness. would have LOVED to see those happy little faces on the porch when that happened! shame it was before camera phones!

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