Once again i shall post a warning to any readers, male or otherwise, who simply do not care to look behind the Powder Room Door, under the estro-curtain, and peek under the sink into the musty warren of – female plumbing.
WARNING: Some de-mystification of female hydro-genitalia may occur. Proceed with caution. You can’t un-read this after the fact…
Several months back i embarked on a pleasant gynecological holiday, into the inner-workings of my girly bits. In a quest to keep my OEM hormone generation parts, avoiding primitive evisceration hysterectomy, i settled on an intermediate option to meet my needs*. Endometrial ablation.
It’s pretty much what it sounds like. Unlike an ultrasound, this probe doesn’t vibrate – it has a mesh heating element. Doc pulls vacuum (10E-3 torr for any geeks still reading) on my uterus, turns on the juice, and it’s done. In and out (so to speak) just like an Indy pit stop. At the hospital at 6:00**, general anesthesia by 7:15, awake in recovery by 8:30, and on my way home by 9:00. Total preparation time: 2 1/4 hour. Bake time: 45 minutes.
Hey, Mom! What’s For Supper!
Now with STEM CELLS!
Special treat tonight, kids! It’s Uterus Helper***!
Pardon me. Did i mention there are painkillers involved. More on that shortly…
As always, my way of dealing with hospitals and medical issues is pretty simple. i behave like a 6 year old boy, telling jokes, being silly and trying to completely minimize the amount of hassle – for me, and anyone else involved.
Had a friend drop me off. He offered to stay and wait, but i encouraged him to kick me out at the curb and go to work – sort of a “Medical FedEx”. He was nice, and stopped the car… After surgery, i called him when they pulled the IV. Thought it would be fun to be picked up “drive-by” style. Couldn’t get enough leverage from the wheelchair to dive in the open window…
The Anesthesiologist, and Nurse Anesthetist, were pretty sprightly considering the early hour. They do get the best drugs… They asked me to stick out my tongue, so of course i did so in the style of a small child, complete with both hands behind my ears, fingers splayed and wagging.
i asked to see the menu, enquiring about something mildly hallucinogenic, with perhaps just a hint of nutmeg. Rather than have amnesia upon recovery, i wanted funky animals and trippy colors. Maybe space flight.
And so it went. We had fun. When the Anesthetist said he’d give me something to relax me? i winked at him and said “Confident young fella, ain’t ya?”. The Anaesthesiologist suggested they also give me something to make the jokes better…
With the “instructions for discharge”****, there was some good news and some bad news. The bad news? No sex for three weeks. My reaction: “WHAT? Doc didn’t tell me THAT?!?!?” He’s being a big stinkin’ baby. Was probably afraid i’d hit him. i’ll have to improvise. Or get a silver bullet. To bite.
The good news? Darvocet. Oh, yeah… so maybe i won’t care that i’m not getting laid?
________
* My needs? When i asked my doctor about options for ending my monthly annoyance, he assumed that it was primarily due to “usual” problems. My reply: “Umm… not really. I’m recently single, with a menopause time bomb hanging over my ovaries. Won’t be able to use hormones due to breast cancer – so i’m not wasting a minute… Short answer, Doc? i don’t like being on the bench one week a month”. My nerdly little doctor turned various shades of bluish-purple, and hasn’t asked again… sort of averts his eyes and blushes whenever he sees me. Poor dear…
** i had to have a pregnancy test. yeah, i know, legalities and all. but my tubes were cut, tied, cauterized, super-glued, clamped and duct-taped shut in 1999. i told the nurse if i’m pregnant, we’re calling the little fucker “Houdini”.
*** Surprisingly, i couldn’t find an image for “Uterus Helper”. But there was this yummy treat – from an old Saturday Night Live skit… Mmmmmm, good!
**** discharge FROM THE HOSPITAL. Ewww… you guys…. yuk….
Trailer Park Refugee 
After my last heavy period, I was seriously considering endometrial ablation. Fortunately, it seems to have been the last period I’ll ever have, and I couldn’t be happier.
Get it while you can, any way you can. I wouldn’t want to be on the bench either. Enjoy your good drugs.
“Put Me In Coach” – Dan Fogerty
…and absolutely tears-running-down-my-cheeks (the upper ones) funny. you should write drugged out more often!
but i’m worried about you, daisyfae… aren’t you going to get in trouble with the feminazi gestapo for releasing this hitherto unrevealed sub rosa details to us men of the testosterone-laden male guyhood?
When Mrs. Wife was about to deliver daughter #1, my brother-in-law took me aside and said, “Whatever you do, don’t look at the placenta.” Sage advice that I followed.
Three weeks? Is that all? What an amateur. You’ll get no sympathy from me.
LOL and ouch, simultaneously. But come on, 3 weeks? Not much sympathy here either …
I’m trying to get all this information down for the next meeting of men. You say someone was supposed to FedEx an OED hormone generator, but when they delivered it it was a endocrine ablative with intermediate options? Let me just ask you this question, if I’m looking at the centerfold of the October Hustler, are any of those items the things that look like roast beef?
Well now. I think that’s a record setter for TMI.
silverstar – know several women who have had this done, and there are none with regrets! probably should have gotten to it sooner… and if i’m benched for 3 weeks then in theory i can make that up in 3 months, so i’ll muddle through!
gnu kid – will see how long i can make the Darvocet last… locking it down, that’s for sure! see if y’all can tell when it’s gone… posts suck? daisyfae’s unmedicated again… No worries on releasing “secrets” to the opposition. Maybe it’s a PsyOps campaign, eh?
unbearable banishment – i had 2 c-sections. my ex didn’t peek – a wise, wise man… bummer about your “pro” status. here’s to some holiday magic in ‘jersey!
tNb – tick, tick, tick… i may be on the bench, but i’ll still be calling a few plays 😉
uncle keith – you’re using the wrong Chilton’s manual. Try the one for a 1976 AMC Pacer, page 276….
rob – you were warned. i am absolved… sort of… tee hee…
So it was the thermal abalation? Aww… sucks that it wasn’t the laser. It could have been like Star Wars in your vagina.
I have no idea what went on in there, and I dont really need an explanation, and now thanks to Renal I can’t get the image of Han solo talking to your crotch like its Greedo in the Cantina, out of my head.
Just when i thought i knew you out pops some new and surprising side of you rather bazzare in the making.But it’s all good you have to exercise those demons and make them stand up and laugh.You remind me of my sister Peter Pan .Next up Karaoke Whore or so you said we’ll see just how good you are!LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AJ
Star Wars in your vagina?????
My oh my….. I’ll have me some of that, even without the Darvocet
Star Wars in your vagina…now I’m really confused. Are we talking about that thing that Boba Fett fell into in ‘Revenge of the Jedi’?
Star Wars??!? Just as long as that toe-walking Skywalker doesn’t show up …
La la la la la la La la la la la la La la la la la la La la la la la la La la la la la la La la la la la la La la la la la la La la la la la la La la la la la la La la la la la la La la la la la la La la la la la la La la la la la la La la la la la la La la la la la la La la la la la la La la la la la la La la la la la la La la la la la la La la la la la la La la la la la la La la la la la la La la la la la la La la la la la la La la la la la la La la la la la la La la la la la la La la la la la la La la la la la la La la la la la la La la la la la la La la la la la la La la la la la la La la la la la la La la la la la la La la la la la la La la la la la la La la la la la la La la la la la la La la la la la la La la la la la la La la la la la la La la la la la la La la la la la la La la la la la la La la la la la la La la la la la la La la la la la la La la la la la la La la la la la la La la la la la la La la la la la la La la la la la la La la la la la la La la la la la la La la la la la la La la la la la la La la la la la la La la la la la la La la la la la la La la la la la la La la la la la la La la la la la la La la la la la la La la la la la la La la la la la la La la la la la la La la la la la la La la la la la la La la la la la la La la la la la la La la la la la la La la la la la la La la la la la la La la la la la la La la la la la la La la la la la la La la la la la la La la la la la la La la la la la la La la la la la la La la la la la la La la la la la la La la la la la la La la la la la la La la la la la la La la la la la la La la la la la la La la la la la la La la la la la la La la la la la la La la la la la la La la la la la la La la la la la la La la la la la la La la la la la la La la la la la la La la la la la la La la la la la la La la la la la la La la la la la la La la la la la la La la la la la la La la la la la la La la la la la la – tee hee
3 weeks – hah, that’ll just make you more ripe for the fu er, plucking.
AND I now have a visual of DaddyP staring up your vagina (with his fingers in his EARS of all places) going la la la la la la la while he observes Star Wars in utero. And I’m at work.
renal failure – *snort* i wish my doc liked photons better than electrons! that would have been fun! “Star Wars: Revenge of the Fibroids”
alex – Han Solo would have been a welcome addition to the ‘cast of thousands’ apparently performing medical miracles on my hoo-hoo yesterday morning. Oh, but no Wookies allowed…
AJ – i’m nuts. in person i can pretend to be a moderately responsible adult when necessary… if you sister is truly named “Peter Pan”, then your parents were a funny pair! Yes, to karaoke – once i get through the current run of travel… it’s always something standing between me and a good time!
nm – it’s more colorful with the drugs. light sabres in black and white just aren’t the same!
uncle keith – never saw that one. i’m just trying to avoid becoming like that block of ice that temporarily felled Han Solo…
tNb – Skywalker had a brother named Toewalker? i missed that episode… was it “Revenge of the Nerds”?
DP – Singing in the Powder Room? tsk tsk… you can run, you can “la la”, but you cannot hide…
beth – oh, now THERE’S a visual i could have gone a lifetime without! thankyouverymuch… “la la la la la….”
I think the comments are as hilarious as the story…good lord. If little Houdini makes his appearance, let me know and I’ll hook you up with a real shyster…. 🙂
@ Daddy PS > whahahaha ahahahaaha ahaha aha aha ha.
@ Dais > Jeeeeeeeeezus on a pogo stick, you cracks me up. Hope you’re ok, though. Girly bit stuff can be sore, pain killers or no. And 3 weeks will just fly by with that Darvocet. Lucky, lucky, lucky…..
Peter Pan was a nickname i gave her cause she lives in never never land when itcomes to growing old .She thinks she’ll be young forever and every once in awhile i have to hold a mirror up and show her it isn’t working!!!!!!!!!! as for Karaoke THat will have to wait till i get back from Nashville when it happens it ought to be fun and entertaining LOL.AJ
awalkabout – yeah, my peeps be funny peeps. and if Houdini survived the procedure? we’ll be front page news! will need legal counsel fore sure!
dolce – doing great… relatively easy stuff. i’m giving it 2 weeks (WebMD says that’s enough) and as of today? i’ve only got 11 days and 18 1/2 hours to wait. but who’s counting?
AJ – the mirror trick. cruel, cruel brother! catch you on stage soon!
Forget “Houdini”, I’d call the fucker Jesus.
kyknoord – nothing immaculate going on in these parts, cowboy!
oh my god – You have the best blog & commenters combination on the internet.
FYI – I work for a company that manufactures those little meshy thingies I affectionately refer to as the Snapper Zapper.
We make some pretty cool stuff.
Glad you’re doing well!
the truth is some times hard to take like medicine but it is still the truth DaisyFae ! Besides i am her only brotherLOL!!!!!! Be good to see you again after traveling the world.
heartbreaktown – it’s a clever little process. flexible mesh that cooks endometrium dead! “snapper zapper” is about right!
AJ – see you soon!
That makes my Anheiser shiver. Poor Daisy Fae. No sex for three weeks? You know what I say? SUCK IT UP AND TAKE A VIBRATOR.
Dr Stanky – Can you write a prescription for that? Would LOVE to send that receipt to my accountant with the stack of medical receipts this year…
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