Based on the short “test run“, i expected it to be bad… And with further data, supplied while i was en route to South America? Oh, it was gonna be WAAAAAY bad… in the sense that he would never want to come home!
My flight landed around 1pm on Monday, and by 3pm i was driving madly southbound, headed to The Park, to retrieve my canine life partner gently retarded dog. Mild trepidation – mostly around the thought that with all of that 24-hour attention, he would be loathe to return to my quiet home, where – unlike my niece – i have this pesky day job that keeps me away from him 10 hours a day…
After a quick, smothering hug when i first entered the trailer, i knew he hadn’t forgotten me. i also realized quickly that he smelled like a biker bar, oozing stale smoke the way a homely sorority girl reeks desperation. But i also realized that, unlike the sorority chick, my dog could be bathed…
My niece, DQ, gave me the “scores and highlights”. She apologized for the mess – but her vacuum cleaner had choked and died from all of the plastic pieces-parts ingested when cleaning up the dog/baby toy shrapnel. Seems Mr. P doesn’t like stuffed animals or rubber chew toys, and has a deep-seated hatred for tennis balls. Oops*. He also managed to chew through a wide swath of carpeting – which my niece assured me was old, and in need of replacement anyway. Double oops**. He did, however, excel at cleaning the cat litter box, and drinking from the toilet came quite naturally.
On the plus side of the equation? My dog apparently got more sex than he’s ever gotten in his life. DQ explained that the floor was a roiling 24-hour humpfest, with her two female dogs sharing in the lovin’ from both sides of the fence. He was nearly permanently attached to one or both of his cousins.
Perhaps more disturbing? She mentioned that the Shar Pei puppy, 9 months old***, was a bit precocious. Every time Mr. Pickles “Red Rocket” made an appearance, the li’l skank liked to treat it like a cherry popsicle. Really surprised that my damn dog would even get in the car after that….
Mr. Pickles enjoys "girl on girl" action...
The best part? He seemed to have developed a special bond with the 1 year old, DQ, III. Not just serving as her “doggie horse”, i got to watch them both begging for pizza scraps together, as DQ ate dinner on the couch. And share a sweet moment shortly thereafter****.
Sharing worms with the baby...
But he’s home. He’s happy – sleeping for the better part of 12 hours after repatriation. i missed him. Nice to have the big doofus taking up space in my bed, drooling on my floor, and breathing my air again…
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* i ordered a new vacuum cleaner for them. it should be delivered in a couple days. it’s called the “Pet Hair Eraser”. kinda liked the sound of that… if i ever purchase a vacuum cleaner for myself, i might get that one.
** and yes, i’ll be contributing toward new carpet when they put their house on the market. damn. dogs are a lot of work…
*** At 9 months old, this pup isn’t even 7 in dog years. So, my brain-damaged mutt had his little doggie knob polished by a 5 year old? AAAAAAAAARGH!
**** Looks like a kiss, but in fact, i think he’s swiping a pizza crust from the baby. Every critter for himself…
Trailer Park Refugee 
They’re a terrible hassle, but pets are the best. I had two Siamese cats for about 14 years, Lucy and Mr. Chow. Girlfriends would come and go but those two cats were always there to greet me when I walked in the door.
‘Every time Mr. Pickles “Red Rocket” made an appearance, the li’l skank liked to treat it like a cherry popsicle. Really surprised that my damn dog would even get in the car after that….’
Thats both hilarious and greatly disturbing at the same time.
If the little tramp is that precocious, it’s a good thing Mr. Pickles is neutered. Princess got pregnant the minute we brought her home to Mikey, it seems, before we had a chance to spay her. That was two Cockers. A lab and a shar pei, I don’t want to think about.
If you start posting video clips, I’m leaving!
I’m not 🙂
I leave your site this morning feeling very, very disturbed …
I’m comin’ back as a dog.
I love duppy pogs but I wouldn’t want to be one – I would not be able to roll over and go to sleep afterwards – – –
I didn’t know Mr. Pickles was a man of the cloth.
“Nice to have the big doofus taking up space in my bed,”
Coincidentally … My wife recently said the same about me.
unbearable banishment – funny you should mention cats… there was an orange cat, cleverly named “orange cat”, at my niece’s house. he got along well with Mr. P, and they will be looking for a home for orange cat when they move… Hmmm…
alex – yes. hilarious and greatly disturbing. just like my life…
silverstar – a lab and shar pei? a very homely, large wrinkled dog that wants to sleep in your lap? i’m a fan of neutering critters… sounds like yours didn’t give you time, though!
kyknoord – it would do wonders for my blog stats, don’t you think? i’m getting a ridiculous number of hits on “lesbian dogs” already…
nm – of course not! i’m sure you could find some important wisdom regarding ‘doggie styles through the ages’, and bring it all into context for us!
tNb – that’s how my friend and i left The Park. it amuses. it disturbs. my fundamental duality captured in a moment of canine carnality…
dolce – why wait? i just act like one! except for that “licking my own junk” part… lost most of that sort of flexibility in a car accident in ’82…
archie – “duppy pogs”. very appropriate in regard to this particular critter… he has no trouble sleeping. can follow me around the house, flop down, and seemingly be asleep in 10 seconds. THAT’S a gift…
uncle keith – or a “dog of the paper”? no, it was an underage female dog. i don’t think that counts toward Clergy Points, does it?
practically joe – very sweet. well, it could have been depending on the tone of her voice…
very glad you have your buddy back with you.
say, don’t they say that pets are an extension and mirror of their owners? hmmm….. makes one wonder… or maybe even four or five wonder…
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