i have achieved…

“Slumlord” status…

My house shall have tenants, effective 1 October.  Not bad, since it only went on the market a month earlier.  i have to hand it to my hired gun property manager – he as much promised me he’d have it occupied within a month or two.  My month of scrambling to get it repaired, painted, de-dog-ified and shiny-spanking clean paid off.

Relief.

i’m a little surprised that there are no sappy, sentimental feelings about it.  Despite the fact that it was my home for twenty years.  The place i raised (and in the case of The Boy, conceived) my children.  The home where i shared uncounted laughs, shed a few tears, and scratched my bits while looking out the front window in the morning.  Threw a few parties.  Cleaned up a lotta party shrapnel. 

Bottom line:  i’m not raking up over 40 bags of leaves this fall.  YEE-FUCKING-HAW!

The new tenants – mercifully signing a 20 month lease – are moving to the area due to a job transfer.  And have a dog – which was one of the things i wanted for the house.  There have been smelly hound dogs in that place for a long time.  Seems to give it good karma, feng shui, or whatever…

Perhaps making this transition less challenging is the fact that i’m paying a professional to “manage” the property.  For a mere 10% of the rent each month, he will manage the paperwork, do background/credit checks on tenants, handle all midnight emergency calls, arrange repairs, collect rent, initiate eviction if necessary and in general – do all of the shit work i do not wish to perform.  A good deal any way you slice it. 

Since i’ve got a henchman, i’m an evil slumlord in name only…

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19 thoughts on “i have achieved…

  1. I will trade you the next inappropriate vegetable I get my hands on if I can get a cool title too. Slum Lord and Evil Henchman are awesome….lol.
    Countess of the Amish Freeway???

    Miss

  2. Slumlord, eh? Well, congrats. I know you will enjoy your new status. I’m glad you are letting a doggie in, too. I’m sure your willingness to have a stinky animal in the house saved a lot of agony for the transferring people. Some slumlords are so inconsiderate about that.

  3. miss – How about “Amish Freeway Goddess”? Royalty comes and goes, but a goddess is forever! Please send vegetables… loved the naughty carrot!

    mssc54 – Welcome to The Park! i suspect you’re right – folks are from Texas, and i wonder if they’ve dealt with leaves before… i think they get to keep most of theirs during the year! Unfortunately, my legs are nowhere near that nice – but they are lovely, aren’t they?

    unbearable banishment – right now, there are little dollar signs in my eyes, as i consider keeping this as a rental property for years… i think there will be pain and suffering, however, and i’m not destined to do this much beyond the recovery of the housing market.

    silverstar – i’ll be a kinder, gentler slumlord i hope. didn’t ask for a pet deposit (against my realtors recommendation). said they can do whatever they want to the walls as long as they are repaired and/or repainted when they move out…

    alex – that was the first ‘upgrade’ when i moved out… was surprised not to find any hardware buried in there from my ex husband when i was pulling all the vents 🙂

    tNb – *snort* hadn’t made the sedaris connection, but that’s perfect! i’ll refine my technique!

    nm – wish i had legs that went that far up. mine stop at the knees and are replaced by giant redwoods…

  4. Congrats! I’ve mulled over the whole slumlord gig and every time I get close to considering it, some one I know who’s doing it/done it tells me horror stories that effectively drive the idea from my mind.

    Then there’s experiences like this.

  5. So now Daisy Fae is a landlord? That makes you and I enemies, my former friend. For all landlords hate me, and I them. And it shall be forever and always. Amen.

  6. rob – i only did it out of marginal necessity. my old house is paid for. it is essentially my savings. to sell it into the shit market means i give up substantial cash… renting it (up to 3 years) gives a little time for a recovery in the housing market (looking somewhat unlikely at this point), plus income. but then i get the horror stories…. and realize that i’ve got strangers living in my piggy bank…. yikes!

    mssc54 – You know your texans! Our little city doesn’t allow burning – unless you’re cooking over the fire – so i’m hoping that doesn’t happen. Real texans might just shoot the leaves down one at a time!

    uncle keith – hopefully you can get your nightmare with the village idiots sorted out soon, and find some nice, financially stable person – with the innate ability to torment your current crazy neighbor – and get it rented.

    annie – me too! they moved here because of a job transfer, so hopefully they are stable for the near future. only four of them (parents, kid and dog)… unless they’ve got a family of gypsies they are bringing along to live in the closets…

    manuel – as long as they don’t destroy the house, i’m not sure i care what they do. i just want it saleable the day they move out. they can paint it, hang stuff on the walls, dance naked in the driveway and even have massive parties… so long as they don’t take a sledgehammer to the bedroom walls to open up a new window…

    Her Royal Stankiness – Geez, Stankola… Could it be the fact that you dressed up the goats in little cowboy costumes before the sacrifices? The wild orgies you held on the lawn (without inviting the landlord)? Maybe it’s better in California…. where that happens all the time?

  7. nm – and if they piss me off, i suppose i could smash them with a hammer, but kinda defeats the whole “kinder, gentler slumlord” thing…

    dolce – why as a matter of fact, i believe that the financial situation is looking quite positive for a future road trip in your general direction! will have to coordinate with the incredible edible nursemyra, but i’m thinking my texas tenants are going to bankroll momma’s travel habits!

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