Blinded by biker tattoos…

Stopped at the Mega-Hardware Emporium on the way home from work to pick up paint* for the deck.  Once the burly, biker-esque – and utterly charming – desk assistant was done laughing at my request for enamel, we set about quickly getting tinted primer and paint for the deck.

Color?  Huh?  “Deck color”… hell, i don’t know.  Redwood-looking paint shit… 

He pulled some color swatches, pointed to a few, and having missed the portion of “chick school” that teaches women the difference between “Cedar Rose” and “Auburn Night Mist”, i just pointed at one that looked kinda like what the ex had painted it most recently.

Dumping two gallons of tinted primer, and two gallons of e-fucking-namel paint in the garage, i instructed The Boy that time was of the essence**, and that i’d be delighted if he’d start priming the new wood.

With beer and gear, iPod in ear, he set about painting.  And i went back into the house to continue excavating 20 years of “WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING WHEN I BOUGHT THIS CRAP” from underneath beds.  Poking my head out at one point, i was a bit surprised at the color of the recently painted decking.

daisyfae:  Ummm…. wow…. that doesn’t look right.  It’s pink…

The Boy:  Yeah.  Pretty ugly.

daisyfae:  That’s not the look i was going for…

The Boy:  Good.  i thought for a minute you were going for the “Barbie’s Dream House” look…

Shit.  Two gallons of paint, going back for a re-tint tomorrow at lunch time.  i need to pay a little more attention, rather than flirting with the biker-boy mixing the paint…


*  Yes.  Paint.  Not stain.  E-FUCKING-NAMEL paint.  Somewhere around 20 years ago, my ex-husband and i had one of our more heated debates about the deck.  The prior owners had painted it.  You can’t put latex (water-based) paint over enamel.  Our options were to sand the entire deck down, then either stain it or paint it with exterior latex.  Or slap more enamel paint on top.  At the time, i argued for “sand + stain”.  He said “enamel”.  And at least four times during the past 20 years, he painted enamel paint on it.  By himself. Fast forward… i am NOW facing a huge time crunch, and rather than sand it, stain it, and do it right?  it’s enamel.  Fuck.

** His.  He’s leaving for a mini-vacation to Canada as soon as his car is out of the body shop.  If i don’t put him to work NOW, i lose my extra hands…

16 thoughts on “Blinded by biker tattoos…

  1. Hahahahahahhahaha! I’m just getting the last of the “old” deck lumber – that was “adobe” or something like that – covered up with white stain. “Adobe” my ass. That motherfucker was pink! But NOT enamel. The sales woman talked me out of enamel. Good thing too, apparently.

  2. ~m – unfortunately, no. looked at the paint ‘swatch’ again. wasn’t pink… maybe a rose-esque coral mint or some such thing, but not pink. damn it…

    rob – enamel just flakes. we use pressure treated lumber for a reason. painting it defeats the purpose. stained wood. simple. attractive. Oh, and in my new place? DECK IS LOVELY, deep, maroon stain. (will hide fecael stains, too… which may serve me well in my geriatric years according to nursemyra!)

    annie – i have no doubt that Rob would never make such a blunder. he seems to be a “do it right the first time” sort… (sigh) my ex-husband is a card-carrying genius, perhaps the smartest man i’ve ever met. but no one is infallible, i suppose 😉

  3. You should have just sold the house “as is” as far as the deck went. No doubt the new owners, if they have any sense, will sand and stain it next summer. If not this fall.

    I find that talents are divided. I can’t sing or play worth a hoot, but a color being a hue off will be like fingernails on a blackboard to me. I made one of my therapists a hat for Christmas one year. She was so excited because it “matched” her new coat. No, it didn’t, but if she was happy…

  4. Yeah. Poison…I mean…PRESSURE treated lumber is what we use here too. It’s nice, real nice. Especially when the green goo bleeds through “Outdoor White” stain.

    Yeah, I know, you’re supposed to let the stuff “weather” before staining. But I’ll be god-damned if I’m going to crawl around under the deck in cat shit and who knows what else to stain it after it’s all put together. Fuck that noise.

  5. silverstar – problem is, i’m not selling. renting it out. realtor came by and put the “FOR RENT” sign in my yard. it must be available for occupancy the last week of august. so it’s all gotta be fixed… wish i had the “color” gene… but i’ve gone to work wearing one black shoe and one blue shoe in the past (same style, different colors), so i’m a mess with that….

    rob – i hear ya… i have no patience. my ideal “deck” would be made out of redwood-colored legos….

    alex – that’s one! but it’s transient, moody labour, requiring cajoling, bribery and food…

  6. First the lip plant on the guy in front of you at the cash register (not seeing his axe yielding wife) and now saying “sure, whatever color you want, darlin'” to the paint guy as he tries to get rid of the stuff that hasn’t sold in 10 years…. So do we need to get you a pair of blinders whenever you go shopping? ;->

  7. that’s why i paint everything white, i don’t care what it is, but if you’re in a pinch go back and flirt with said biker guy and buy five different colors of efuckingnamel and do the Jackson Pollock thing, tell the renters it’s the most abstract deck around and maybe even charge them extra, then suggest that if they didn’t like it they could paint over it if they wished, problem solved.

  8. gnu – hey, what can i say? stress gets me fired up… no one is safe at the moment!

    kono – Hmmm… an art deck? Well, seeing as my “work crew” went through 2 cases of beer in about 12 hours, and were snoring soundly in the back yard when i woke up this morning, i’m surprised it isn’t a bigger “art project”. They got most of the primer on (it’s still pink – and is growing on me. shame i got “Autumn Burgundy Woodpecker” for the topcoat… )

    unbearable banishment – i was hoping that was the case, but alas, when i returned to the hardware emporium on my lunch hour, sexy biker guy wasn’t there, and was replaced by his snarkier, smaller and annoyingly dorky colleague with an unfortunate tendency to roll his eyes at everything i said, which almost got him the pleasure of a gallon of pink paint upside his head…

    dolce – yep. shaved head. tastefully manly piercings. biceps as big as my head. good body art… prior military, new to the area, and (most surprisingly) has a cat. One he rescued (awwww….). Said he was definitely more of a dog guy, but this landlord only allows cats… (sigh)

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