Icky Girl Stuff

As a woman in her mid-forties, ineligible for hormone therapy once menopause strikes*, i’m acutely aware of my aging ovaries.  They are my friends.  i try to take good care of them.  Although the eggs nestled within are dwindling in number, and are desiccating and shriveling on a daily basis, the hormones they send surging through my body represent the receding tide of my sexuality…

In other, far less poetic, words: i’m terrified of drying up like so much fem-dust.

As a result, i listen to my doctor and nurture my ovoid parts.  This morning, i started my day with a visit to the Gynecological Imaging lab for a routine ultrasound.  Normally i can amuse myself during testing by asking questions about the equipment, grilling the technicians on techniques and protocols or just watching things happen on the monitors**. 

Today?  Couldn’t get past the unfortunate word choice uttered by the ultrasound technician as we began the examination.  She hands me a large*** condom-covered probe, and asks me to “introduce the instrument to my vagina”. 

Exercising all the restraint i could muster, i followed direction, at which point she takes over “driving”, and i focus on the monitor to keep from succumbing to a terrible case of the giggles.  “Vagina?  Meet Buzzy McTwatprobe!”

the translator must be quite proud of this bit of work….

* breast cancer.  not even the soy-based “natural” hormone replacements are an option.  breast cancer likes estrogen, even things that mimic estrogen.  [note to self:  no more Richard Simmons ‘sweatin’ to the oldies’ aerobic videos]

** my tumor biopsy was done via needle aspiration using ultrasonic imaging for guidance.  i didn’t feel a thing because i was mesmerized by the monitor.  This helped me detach from the procedure at hand – and pretend i was watching a medical documentary on The Discovery Channel. 

*** i’m being generous.  it was 6″ – average at best….

28 thoughts on “Icky Girl Stuff

  1. i KNEW i made a poor career choice… where was the damn career counselor telling me i could get paid to fiddle around women’s happy spots?

    …and did it actually buzz? lucky girl…

  2. No, Gnukid, it doesn’t actually buzz, more’s the pity. I have also met Mr. McTwatprobe. I don’t know about where Daisy Fae lives, but here they wouldn’t let a male within a mile of an operating twatprobe.

    The most fun part of the exam is that you need a full bladder. Which means you have to piss like a race horse while they’re messing around with you.

  3. Okay, been with Buzzy myself a few times ( courtesy of IVF the first time and “aging issues” the second). The full bladder thing wasn’t a big deal but you don’t always get to watch the monitor and that is annoying.

  4. “Vagina? Meet Buzzy McTwatprobe!”
    I dam near spat all over my computer screen when I read that. With laughter of course.
    There are so many reasons I’m happy I’m not a lady.

    ‘Coming soon to a bookseller near you: “nursemyra and daisyfae’s guide to really old shit”.’

    Hell I’d buy it.

  5. Noooooooooooo? They asked you to do the “introduction”? *splutter* Man. I hate that stuff. My Dr. is really sweet, but he also treats my mum, so I’ll be lying there, all nonchalant-like, while he prods my boobs and probes my girly-bits and asks after me old mum and cracks jokes like asking me not to bend his instruments.

    A.G.O.N.Y. of ridiculousness.

  6. gnu – no buzz. at least not at a frequency i could hear or feel… as an unrelated exercise for the student, look up the word “ultrasound” 🙂

    silverstar – there are no men in the Gynecological Village. and men should be thankful. trust me – you really don’t want to see babies birthed. worst thing to come from the 1960’s for males of the species – the expectation that YOU PUT IT IN THERE, YOU’RE GONNA BE THERE WHEN IT COMES OUT mentality…

    toby – this one more amusing than most! when they mash the girls between frozen metal plates, i’m generally not quite so chipper!

    rob – *snort* Dr DRE… What if the doc said “i’m about to introduce my gloved finger to your bunghole” before he did it? would that at least get an appreciative chuckle? if he drew a happy face on the gloved finger first?

    annie – after the exam, i even asked the tech how the hell she could decypher the damn blobology on the screen… couldn’t tell my ovoids from my innerds…

    DP – sorry to demystify. should put a warning on stuff like that…

    alex – Please don’t send me a bill for the monitor because i made you squirt! In the end (heh, heh, heh) i think it’s a wash for men and women. We all get probed, invaded and prodded in places we like to consider a “playground” rather than a “work zone”…

    dolce – “…asking me not to bend his instruments”? Whaaaaa? Your hoo hoo has Uri Geller-like powers? Do you bend spoons at parties with it?

  7. I had to make that same introduction last year when I was having some tests done. One of my gynaelogical highlights thus far, I think. And menopause. Yikes. I have already started to worry about that one, and am starting to feel vaguely fond of my monthly miseries. Only vaguely, mind.

  8. I have become well acquainted with your little friend there. Love the name Buzzy McTwatprobe – other names I’ve heard include my personal fave: Dildocam. So elegant and yet so….

  9. nursemyra – “Funny?” yes. “Fun?” not so much…

    toby – don’t be so sure. heard of vagina dentata? makes Yeti and Anal-probing aliens seem like a hallucinatory walk in the park, don’t it?

    umdalum – what kind of girl do you think i am? OF COURSE there was a condom involved!

    rambleicious – Welcome to The Park! Pull up a cooler, make yerself at home! Sorry about the monitor, but chocolate? For breakfast? That’s the way to do it…

    uncle keith – Cool! Does it come in one of those cans, like the power-Cheez Whiz, where you just bend the knob to get it to squirt, or does it come in a tube? Shoot me a sample sometime!

    cat – seems my plastic friend has been making the rounds! nothing destroys your dignity like a gyno-exam…

    umdalum – Double cool! It’s a “hoo-hoo” moisturizer and a facial cream? Sweet! That’ll make it good for travel, due to the liquid restrictions from the travel police! Where can i get a load of this magic stuff?

    Mrs X – Welcome to The Park! i’m now cleaning my monitor! “Dildocam”? *snort* That’s just perfect…

    uncle keith – no, but i’m excited just thinking about it! does it come in different flavors? how many times a day should i use it? GOTTA get some…

  10. toby – i got it, i just don’t do subtlety… i wouldn’t have made the connection at all if i hadn’t seen a cool poster for a cult documentary on the subject while in london….

    rob – Whew! bet that’s a load off your mind!

    kyknoord – i barely noticed him (sigh)…

    dolce – oh, i’ll bring the beer… now THAT’S a party trick!

  11. “Where can I get a load…..”

    No way I’m gonna fall for something THAT easy. You’re not messing with the JV squad here missy!

  12. umdalum – on the basketball court, we refer to that as a “bunny shot”. and like you, i rarely take those easy, unguarded layups, opting for the 3-pt shot, or even a Kareem Abdul-Jabbar “Skyhook” from 12’… you are a gifted and wise pervert, mr. umdalum!

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