As a woman in her mid-forties, ineligible for hormone therapy once menopause strikes*, i’m acutely aware of my aging ovaries. They are my friends. i try to take good care of them. Although the eggs nestled within are dwindling in number, and are desiccating and shriveling on a daily basis, the hormones they send surging through my body represent the receding tide of my sexuality…
In other, far less poetic, words: i’m terrified of drying up like so much fem-dust.
As a result, i listen to my doctor and nurture my ovoid parts. This morning, i started my day with a visit to the Gynecological Imaging lab for a routine ultrasound. Normally i can amuse myself during testing by asking questions about the equipment, grilling the technicians on techniques and protocols or just watching things happen on the monitors**.
Today? Couldn’t get past the unfortunate word choice uttered by the ultrasound technician as we began the examination. She hands me a large*** condom-covered probe, and asks me to “introduce the instrument to my vagina”.
Exercising all the restraint i could muster, i followed direction, at which point she takes over “driving”, and i focus on the monitor to keep from succumbing to a terrible case of the giggles. “Vagina? Meet Buzzy McTwatprobe!”
the translator must be quite proud of this bit of work….
* breast cancer. not even the soy-based “natural” hormone replacements are an option. breast cancer likes estrogen, even things that mimic estrogen. [note to self: no more Richard Simmons ‘sweatin’ to the oldies’ aerobic videos]
** my tumor biopsy was done via needle aspiration using ultrasonic imaging for guidance. i didn’t feel a thing because i was mesmerized by the monitor. This helped me detach from the procedure at hand – and pretend i was watching a medical documentary on The Discovery Channel.
*** i’m being generous. it was 6″ – average at best….
i KNEW i made a poor career choice… where was the damn career counselor telling me i could get paid to fiddle around women’s happy spots?
…and did it actually buzz? lucky girl…
No, Gnukid, it doesn’t actually buzz, more’s the pity. I have also met Mr. McTwatprobe. I don’t know about where Daisy Fae lives, but here they wouldn’t let a male within a mile of an operating twatprobe.
The most fun part of the exam is that you need a full bladder. Which means you have to piss like a race horse while they’re messing around with you.
My visits to the doctor have never, ever been as “interesting” as yours. Wow! Some people just seem to have all the fun…
Wow. Lucky you. I’ve only been introduced to Dr. DRE aka “Digital Rectal Exam”. I wasn’t near as pumped.
Okay, been with Buzzy myself a few times ( courtesy of IVF the first time and “aging issues” the second). The full bladder thing wasn’t a big deal but you don’t always get to watch the monitor and that is annoying.
Ah, the mystery that is woman …………….
“Vagina? Meet Buzzy McTwatprobe!”
I dam near spat all over my computer screen when I read that. With laughter of course.
There are so many reasons I’m happy I’m not a lady.
‘Coming soon to a bookseller near you: “nursemyra and daisyfae’s guide to really old shit”.’
Hell I’d buy it.
Noooooooooooo? They asked you to do the “introduction”? *splutter* Man. I hate that stuff. My Dr. is really sweet, but he also treats my mum, so I’ll be lying there, all nonchalant-like, while he prods my boobs and probes my girly-bits and asks after me old mum and cracks jokes like asking me not to bend his instruments.
A.G.O.N.Y. of ridiculousness.
gnu – no buzz. at least not at a frequency i could hear or feel… as an unrelated exercise for the student, look up the word “ultrasound” 🙂
silverstar – there are no men in the Gynecological Village. and men should be thankful. trust me – you really don’t want to see babies birthed. worst thing to come from the 1960’s for males of the species – the expectation that YOU PUT IT IN THERE, YOU’RE GONNA BE THERE WHEN IT COMES OUT mentality…
toby – this one more amusing than most! when they mash the girls between frozen metal plates, i’m generally not quite so chipper!
rob – *snort* Dr DRE… What if the doc said “i’m about to introduce my gloved finger to your bunghole” before he did it? would that at least get an appreciative chuckle? if he drew a happy face on the gloved finger first?
annie – after the exam, i even asked the tech how the hell she could decypher the damn blobology on the screen… couldn’t tell my ovoids from my innerds…
DP – sorry to demystify. should put a warning on stuff like that…
alex – Please don’t send me a bill for the monitor because i made you squirt! In the end (heh, heh, heh) i think it’s a wash for men and women. We all get probed, invaded and prodded in places we like to consider a “playground” rather than a “work zone”…
dolce – “…asking me not to bend his instruments”? Whaaaaa? Your hoo hoo has Uri Geller-like powers? Do you bend spoons at parties with it?
hey that sounds like fun! I’m going to change my priority appointments now. gynacology first, dentist much much later….
“Gynecologist” and “dentist” should NEVER be used in the same sentence! 🙂
I honestly don’t know where to start…..
Oh well, at least they used a condom.
There are now semi-chewed and wet globs of chocolate on my computer screen.
Thanks! 😀 (awesome post)
Don’t worry about drying up…it just so happens, I’m in possession of a moisturizer that will keep down the fem-dust.
I had to make that same introduction last year when I was having some tests done. One of my gynaelogical highlights thus far, I think. And menopause. Yikes. I have already started to worry about that one, and am starting to feel vaguely fond of my monthly miseries. Only vaguely, mind.
Let me guess Keith, it will also clear up her complexion??
I have become well acquainted with your little friend there. Love the name Buzzy McTwatprobe – other names I’ve heard include my personal fave: Dildocam. So elegant and yet so….
You’ve heard of my magic elixir?
nursemyra – “Funny?” yes. “Fun?” not so much…
toby – don’t be so sure. heard of vagina dentata? makes Yeti and Anal-probing aliens seem like a hallucinatory walk in the park, don’t it?
umdalum – what kind of girl do you think i am? OF COURSE there was a condom involved!
rambleicious – Welcome to The Park! Pull up a cooler, make yerself at home! Sorry about the monitor, but chocolate? For breakfast? That’s the way to do it…
uncle keith – Cool! Does it come in one of those cans, like the power-Cheez Whiz, where you just bend the knob to get it to squirt, or does it come in a tube? Shoot me a sample sometime!
cat – seems my plastic friend has been making the rounds! nothing destroys your dignity like a gyno-exam…
umdalum – Double cool! It’s a “hoo-hoo” moisturizer and a facial cream? Sweet! That’ll make it good for travel, due to the liquid restrictions from the travel police! Where can i get a load of this magic stuff?
Mrs X – Welcome to The Park! i’m now cleaning my monitor! “Dildocam”? *snort* That’s just perfect…
uncle keith – no, but i’m excited just thinking about it! does it come in different flavors? how many times a day should i use it? GOTTA get some…
Vagina dentata was what I was (unsuccessfully, obviously) referring to. Another attempt at subtlety drops like a lead balloon (sigh)…
Dr. DRE uses a gloved…wait…a finger? Whew! Thought I’d been to prison there…
How did the introduction go? Was Buzzy cold and awkward?
Oh, and I just love the tag “genitalia etiquette”
Only if there is a lot of beer.
toby – i got it, i just don’t do subtlety… i wouldn’t have made the connection at all if i hadn’t seen a cool poster for a cult documentary on the subject while in london….
rob – Whew! bet that’s a load off your mind!
kyknoord – i barely noticed him (sigh)…
dolce – oh, i’ll bring the beer… now THAT’S a party trick!
“Where can I get a load…..”
No way I’m gonna fall for something THAT easy. You’re not messing with the JV squad here missy!
umdalum – on the basketball court, we refer to that as a “bunny shot”. and like you, i rarely take those easy, unguarded layups, opting for the 3-pt shot, or even a Kareem Abdul-Jabbar “Skyhook” from 12’… you are a gifted and wise pervert, mr. umdalum!
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