Does “unconditional” go both ways?

i love my dog.  Nearly 100 lbs of pure heart, slobber, fur and love… delighted to see me, hear my voice, sense my movement in the morning before i’m fully awake. He’s a fellow refugee – a rescued pup – and we are truly companions. He couldn’t be happier than when he’s riding shotgun in the backseat of my old jeep or playing endless games of “catch” with a smelly, chewed up old basketball in the backyard.  i know what it feels like to be loved unconditionally.

But he has some bad habits and this creates issues…

For example, he is a complete gastro-whore.  He will eat just about anything that smells interesting to him.  As a result, he’s is always hacking up steaming piles which are not very interesting to me*.  Something he ate or drank from the backyard last week** did not agree with him, so beginning on Friday night he began to regurgitate, and re-regurgitate small gooey puddles all over my house.  i ran out of paper towels, and resorted to putting down newspaper in the kitchen in hopes of catching the overnight spew.

it worked, for the most part – he’s pretty good about using paper when necessary.  i got it cleaned up, and was headed out the front door to retrieve the Saturday morning paper – looking forward to a quiet morning.  There is nothing like the feel of cold, gooey dog-spew between your toes.  On the teak parquet.  Fuck!

And we followed the same pattern throughout the morning.  Him hoarking up a pile, me chasing him with towels – and tapping into the reserves of my patience.  i had to head out to The Park to visit Mom late in the afternoon.  Coming home at 9 pm, i discovered somewhere between 6-10 discrete ‘splats’.  Trying hard not to be angry – he really couldn’t help it.  And he’d done a fantastic job of nailing just hardwood or tile surfaces.  Or so i thought until i stepped on the carpet in my bedroom as i prepared for bed.  Blechh…

He’s better today – and i’m hopeful that it’s run it’s course.  He’s eaten his breakfast and dinner, no “dog chow curtain call”, and he seems to be feeling fine.  Perhaps no need to take him to the vet tomorrow. 

But i am reminded of a worse situation.  You see, he is also one of those special dogs who eats poo.  Not endearing.  A couple years ago, i hit my limit.  If i had easy access to a baseball bat, i might be dogless today.  Fighting mono, still feverish and exhausted, i was awakened by the sound of Mr. Pickles hacking up something beside my bed.  Groggily standing up to deal with it, i quickly identified what it was that he had hacked onto my rug…

The kids were home – fortunately – and came to his rescue when they heard me screaming at the top of my lungs:  “i will clean up puke!  i will clean up shit!  but i will NOT clean up puked-up shit!”

* When he eats his food too fast, it will occasionally return for an encore shortly after he’s wolfed it down.  Being efficient, we’ve learned that if we just look the other way, leave the room, or put our head back down under the covers, the pile magically disappears.  We can then simply mop the wet spot.

** We had torrential rains last week, and there was still standing water in the back yard.  i believe he may have ingested a bit of stagnant water, which triggered the latest round of regurge…

24 thoughts on “Does “unconditional” go both ways?

  1. My sympathies.

    On the regurge: My daughter’s cat had developed a regurge habit. I thought it was because he wolfed his food. I not so fondly recall coming down the steps in the middle of the night and full dark and stepping barefoot in a cold pile of cat food puke in the hallway. Not fun. The cat continued this behaviour after daughter and cat moved out. She thought it was because he was nervous (he is) and that she had to leave him alone at home a lot. Then one day he hacked up on the rug in her room; part of what he hacked up was part a tapeworm. After getting treated for worms, he doesn’t regurge anymore. Maybe something to look into for Mr. Pickles?

    On the shit eating part: We used to have a dog that ate shit. It didn’t matter what kind of shit it was; if the dog found it, she ate it. Of course, eating shit is the quickest way for the animal eating the shit to get worms too. We were all summarily grossed out the day we discovered a mass worm out-migration from the dog’s ass; these little white worms were everywhere (now, that’ll make your sphincter pucker, won’t it?). That dog was not with us much longer.

  2. About a month ago, my male Dane developed a stomach issue. He’s been relatively healthy over the past 10 years and has earned his way to a vet visit. At 300 LB, Bogie is no longer transportable and fortunately my vet makes house calls. She came, she failed, but she conquered! Bogie is still having stomach issues and I’m minus a thousand dollars. Lady, the Vet may not be the way to go!


  3. Daisyfae, if you were hoarking/blasting stuff out of either end, Mr. P would be there for you. You need to monitor Mr. P’s intake so you won’t have to cleanup his output. I thought you scientific goddesses knew about the input/outpuf stuff. Depending on his age, you may want to invest in a newer model–some men do and most women want to. Cheers. 🙂

  4. You have my empathy. Even though I was a nurse, puke of any kind has me retching while cleaning it up. I’m with you on the puked up shit. I will count my blessings that Friday’s worst habit is the occasional submissive urination. And fortunately, I have linoleum.

  5. It’s hair ball season at casa az and the other morning I woke up to find hairy cat puke on the bed cover. Weird because usually the pre-puke hawking wakes me up and I have time to boot Azar off the bed (Sunny always throws up under the bed).

    Yep, unconditional goes both ways. Though with my cats it only goes in one direction (guess which one).

  6. JaaaaAAAheeeezzzzzuss! I’ve just has a little regurge myself, Daisy Fae. Gah.Rha.Ossss!

    Your pooch and mine, the evil Luke, otherwise known as Stinky, have similar preferences. It’s hard to love them when they are covered in rotting sheep fecal matter, including maggots. Man. I was nearly stomachless AND then dogless. Naaaasty.


    Hope it’s a belter my fellow gemini x x x x

  8. annie – i consider it the price i pay for my canine companionship. sometimes? enough to make me reconsider the value proposition…

    rob – dealt with worms in the past, and considered that. hence the trip to the vet (planned for today). no ‘creepy crawlies’ yet (and he’s been able to eat intermittently). but yeah – doggies are special, aren’t they?

    Mel – Welcome to The Park! A 300lb dog? With stomach issues? Ye-OWCH! And a bad vet making housecalls is a bit surprising… the ‘housecalls’ part, not the ‘bad’ part…

    gubmentdude – i suspect you’re right — the mutt would be delighted to clean up after me. Blechhh…. Not planning to trade him in just yet. Seems to be through the worst, but more trouble late last night says a trip to the vet is in order.

    silverstar – “submissive urination” – that’s the thing where they pee when they’re happy to see you? i knew a guy like that once – never actually peed, but i could swear he was gonna. clearly, that didn’t go anywhere!

    nm – uh, sorry. my life is full of glamour. it would be unfair not to share…

    az – “pre-puke hawking” there’s no more special sound than that, is there? great to wake up to – had one beside my bed last night around 1am. Mmmm-MMMM!

    DP – just another service we offer here at The Park! Appetite control!

    dolce – fortunately we don’t have any sheep (rotting or otherwise) nearby… i’m not sure i could handle a farmdog. that’s a critter that would definitely sleep OUT-SIDE!

    dolce – oh, and ix-nay on the irthday-bay thing…. hard for me to be grumpy, sullen and withdrawn if people are all being cheery and shit….

  9. Pingback: happy birthday daisyfae! « casa az

  10. nm – yep. “46 years of my life and still, tryin’ to get up that great big hill of hope… for my destination…”

    gubment – thank you… it was on my 42nd b-day (i think) that you politely suffered through my set at a downtown tavern. your kindness is greatly appreciated…

    uncle keith – how sweet! and you even found me one with flaming tassles! give til it hurts, buddy, then give again!

    az – that’s very cool! how’d you do that? good cake – no calories!

    imeantno – presents were all over the house this morning. steaming piles that say “i love you”… my new laptop was delivered to the frontporch, however, and i’m looking forward to opening my present to myself soon!

    rob – thanks! it’s been a generically shitty day – but getting better. sort of. i get to go out tonight and buy a replacement car for my daughter after the insurance folks decided hers was totalled… gave me a whoppin’ 3 days to do it, too! woo-freakin-hoo…

  11. Pingback: A Separation Agreement « Trailer Park Refugee

  12. silverstar – hey, that’s cool! a tasty ginger-cake! my kind of recipe, too — dump it in a bucket, poke it with a fork, and throw it in the oven! can i add vodka to it?

    ctyri – oooh. yummy, tasty, with all that helmet-hair and piano-key teeth!

  13. UMMM, ginger vodka. A friend gave me some for Xmas once. Actually, they recommend storing fresh ginger in vodka. You could use the vodka to flavor the cake, or just soak the cake in vodka and eat it.

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