He’s consistent, but…

There’s one in every organization – The Big Stubborn Dumb Guy (The BSDG).  Scott Adams, who brings us Dilbert, features such a critter from time to time.

Today?  i had the pleasure to be forced to* sit in a meeting with one of our own oxygen thieves**,  participating via video teleconference.  This weekly “brown bag cluster fuck working meeting” is supposed to be one we attend “as available”.  i have been chastised for being magically unavailable*** on Tuesdays by my friend, T, who essentially owns those of us with a common organizational function****.

The BSDG is a significant reason for my Tuesday Houdini Routini.

Today?  No surprises.  Hash, rehash, and regurgi-hashing the same points over and over.  Things that have been discussed, resolved and RE-discussed and RE-resolved for months must be dragged out, gnawed on and revisited.  He’s not stupid man.  Quite functional in many ways.  He simply can’t tell you his name in less than 15 minutes.  And with out questioning why you are calling him by his name, and hell, who decided to use names in the first place?

Perhaps the most entertaining thing this one does is drop his self-titled “signature” line into a conversation.  To punctuate the merciful end of a meandering, circular rant, he will often close with “I may be wrong, but I’m not in doubt!”  Said loudly, with great conviction.  Sometimes?  He’ll even strike a pose.

So…  you’re consistently stupid?  Not always a good thing, is it?

Courtesy of Despair.com – i have patterned my professional life after the teachings of these brilliant souls…

* Oh, you evil Slayer of Geese, and Calmer of Stinkin’ Crybabies… that was an hour of my life you stole from me.  You owes me some pints, Muthafuckah!

** At least it was on video and he wasn’t actually sucking up my oxygen. 

*** First opportunity to schedule something – ANYTHING – on Tuesdays and i’m outta there!  i had to reschedule my [ahem] personal waxing for Wednesday this week, or i’d have been at the salon – Enduring. Much. Less. Pain.

**** At least we let him think that.  Sometimes.  When it suits our purposes.  Well, at least when we can use it to blame him for things…

24 thoughts on “He’s consistent, but…

  1. Whew. Videoconference. My experiences with those have led me to conclude that’s a medium that sucks royal dick. I far prefer to participate via NetMeeting (or now it’s LiveMeeting) and audioconference. From my own office. That way I can do other stuff, surf the web, etc. when it gets too boring. Too bad I have to pay sufficient attention that listening to my iPod is out. 😦

    Consistently stupid? How about “Consistently sets low expectations. And fails to meet them.”?

  2. Damn, all my meeting used to be in person, and unfortunately, I was in charge of them. But I liked to schedule 4 day weekends for myself, especially in the summer, so that let everyone else off the hook while I was gone, so they could catch up on their other work. (Basically, we reviewed every resident’s care plan every 90 days. ) Meanwhile, I was out in the wilderness, camping, out of cell phone and pager range.

  3. I’m not sure how some of my meetings stack up against a “personal waxing” in terms of pain, but I am pretty sure it wouldn’t fly with the boss as a good reason to miss them. Still worth a try, though.

  4. getting waxed already? but you’re not meeting me in spain for another 3 weeks. I don’t want to see any stubbly regrowth when we’re sharing a room madam!


  5. Yes. I’d rather wax my extra sensitive bits. Than listen to my fearless leader pontificate.

    Much rather.

    A lot rather.

    Hot wax and agony anyone?

  6. rob – “sucks royal dick” Harry or William? agree wholeheartedly with your take on VTC – although it can be better than travel! i like the “telecon” on speakerphone – but invariably there’s one dork who doesn’t use the “mute” button and you hear him chewing his sandwich throughout the meeting… if i were still a supervisor, i’d swipe that line!

    silverstar – good plan! and nice that you trusted the employees enough not to worry about “checking up” on them. i hate that – it screws up my slacker-time!

    DP – i shall add “Scuppered the Old Git” to my resume! Woo Hoo!

    kyknoord – i don’t actually tell him why i am missing meetings. well, ok. i did hint to him once that i skipped the meeting for a “nooner”, and he never asked again why i wasn’t attending – he only asks occasionally if i’m planning to be there (and will occasionally guilt me into attending).

    nm – Of course, Madame! lasts for about 6 weeks. no stubble, i promise!

    dolce – “extra sensitive bits”… nope – i don’t let her de-fuzz my ego and id… i take care of that myself.

  7. “Hash, rehash, and regurgi-hashing” …

    Damn, that made Monty Python’s ‘Spam’ song go on a loop in my head now… thanks a fucking bunch… that won’t leave for a few days, minimum…

  8. “I may be wrong, but I’m not in doubt!” is possibly the worst signature line I’ve heard. I’m quite sure I hate this man …

  9. I always start by attending the first five to ten minutes of a meeting, and then I pretend to have a call on my cell phone. Make sure that you are annoyingly loud on your very important business-related cell phone call. Finally observe that you are disturbing the meeting, and leave the meeting to be polite, then forget to go back in.

  10. gnu – sorry. try singing “Come Sail Away” by Styx. there’s an ear-worm that’ll cause brain damage… but it will eradicate “Spam”.

    tNb – i just want to whack him with a stapler! he’s actually a nice guy, just a big, goofy, lumbering windbag – with the worst signature line ever!

    uk – oooh… gonna swipe that one! i have a blackberry (with phone) and my personal cellphone. tactically? i could actually call myself to make my escape.

    uk2 – it’s on George W’s card as well… he just can’t read what it says because there are no pictures….

  11. I’m gonna lose my ELFM in one of these meetings. It’s only fair you have to share the pain once in awhile. I can’t believe we are talking about a guy pulling 6 figs plus who for six meetings in a row has felt compelled to state in his usual over confident way that our scorecard which is clearly titled in large font “tool for evaluating x” and which also has footnotes stating “this is for doing X, and not for doing Y”, is not suitable, in his opinion, for doing Y. NFSS!

    I’m good for the pints, you know it.

  12. manuel – good point! you’re never surprised – although in this case, it’s astonishing to think about the degree of cluelessness vs the salary.

    T – i truly don’t know how you maintain composure when this is happening. one of my coping tools is to try to guess what is really going on in your head when these doof-wads are doing their doof-wad best to be doofy… Oh, and get this: This meeting is a Tuesday at lunchtime. “Pint Night” at the pub is Tuesday. Coincidence? i think not…

    DP – you’ll hurt yourself. remember, thinking gives you wrinkles. best to go back to faffing about and being the jester… we’ll handle the tricky stuff!

    nm – he’d need rocket-powered roller skates to even have a fighting chance!

  13. I love reading about your work goings-on… in a perhaps demented way, I hope to again be amidst the territorial disputes, in-breeding, and “dealing with difficult people” seminars (interrupted intermittently with brilliant technology breakthroughs) … or adult day care, as I believe you called it once 🙂 I still have my house in the area to keep the dream alive…

  14. ty – glad you’re still tracking! would love to see you back in the region – god knows we could use some functional people! it’s odd – i am “out here” to deal with my personal, familial demons. but i’m also finding therapeutic value in writing about the stinkin’ babies, brain-melting dysfunction and overt silliness at work… call it “mission creep”!

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