Goofin’ at The Raisin Ranch Hilton

Getting Mom settled into the cardiac rehab facility* tonight, it was wonderful to see her in great spirits. It was a difficult week for her – and my whiney, emo-bullshit is of no real consequence. She’s the one who had a lung loogie declare war on her…

We are not a family of ‘wasting away’ people**. We know how to eat. We eat when we’re happy.  We eat when we grieve.  We eat until the bitter end, then ask for refills, dessert and a doggie bag.  As she was packing away her dinner tonight, it was clear she’s enjoying the rehab center food more than the bland, virtually pre-chewed and dessicated items brought to her last week in the intensive care unit at the hospital.

When i asked about her breakfast this morning…

Mom: It wasn’t bad – I ate everything they brought. But when I asked for some cinnamon sugar for my oatmeal, the nurse said “Honey, this ain’t the Hilton”.

daisyfae: Oh no she didn’t!  Tell you what, Momma. You’ve earned the right to do this, and after all you’ve been through, you are allowed to do whatever you want when someone says snarky things to you… You don’t have to let people talk to you that way!

Mom: Oh, I don’t know…

daisyfae: The next time someone says anything like that to you, i want you to say “Suck My Dick”. Can you do that?

Mom: (giggling… a lot… almost enough to stop chewing her ham…)

daisyfae: OK, that may be a bit much to start. We need to work up to that.  How about “Suck My Junk”? Could you say that?

Mom: (giggling) oh, I don’t know…

DQ (catching the spirit of the game): What about “Bite Me”? Could you say that?

Mom: (snorting) I could say that!

These people are going to be counting the days till she’s outta there!  At least those with no sense of humor!


* It’s a “Rehab Facility”. There are long term patients there, as well as short term rehabilitation patients. We are trying hard not to call it a “nursing home”…

** After surgery for colon cancer and 3 1/2 years of chemo, Dad still weighted 280 lbs when he died.  We don’t waste away…  Just not how we’re wired!

13 thoughts on “Goofin’ at The Raisin Ranch Hilton

  1. It’s these tender Louisa May Alcott moments that bring a tear to my eye. The precious innocence of such mother-daughter relationships… [choke, sniffle]…

  2. gnu – touched that you are touched. and i suspect we are both more than a little “touched” in the head!

    rob – i’ll suggest the “nugget nibble”. more her style, actually!

    DP – Oh, c’mon. Keep coming to visit – consider it like the zoo!

    nm – Soft-hearted, for sure…

    annie – i suspect there’s money to be made here! never considered a “Trailer Park Greetings” line, but suspect i could sell related products from the site… Hmmm…

  3. Yer mom should take advantage of that nursing home situation. I would anyway. I’d be like, stick a tube in me, I’m too tired to chew. Then I’d be like, yippe I don’t have to leave my bed to take a shit.

  4. Hi stankolas, all of you. I don’t have anything clever to say, but I wanted to prove to the resident Refugee that I occasionally DO read the blog. I just don’t want my cleverness to overshadow the hilarious yet strangely touching iterations of the official Blogger. So there!

  5. uw – she’s totally groovin’ on the food situation! 3 meals a day – brought to her bedside. she’s started reading the monthly menu and planning her substitutions. i’m thinking she’s enjoying it just a little bit!

    azahar – she packs a mean cane, has the nurses explain all meds before she’ll take them, and is generally pleasant – i think we’re ok. today? i took her a jar of “Cinnamon Sugar” and marked the label “Hilton”…

    Stank-a-licious – Good to hear from you, even if it seems you’ve ingested a few of those famous SoCal mushrooms!

    dolce – you truly are the little sister i was supposed to have. fangs and all!

  6. Having been a nurse, I wish I’d had the balls to say that. Oh wait, I did, that’s why I was always in trouble. I find it is the feisty ones who do better in the long run, so keep encouraging your mother to be feisty. One of my favorite retorts was borrowed from a TV show long and best forgotten. “Kiss my grits.”

    I think you could do well with the Trailer Park line. After all, Hallmark did very well with Maxine in the Shoebox line.

    Tell your mother to disregard UW suggestion. That’s how we trap people and keep them forever.

    I’m from the part of my family that doesn’t waste away, either. I also suspect that should the unthinkable happen, I will still require a 3x casket. If you want to kill me, put a tube in me so I don’t have to chew or taste.

  7. silverstar – Mom needs no encouragement on “feisty” – she’s got that down! i remember that show… like the line, trying to block the memory that i watched it… We needed an XL casket for Dad. i was a little worried about the pallbearers… not an easy job!

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