On the drive back from Cornhole, TN yesterday, i had an opportunity to share office gossip compare notes with MP, the one colleague* also conscripted for this particular business trip that i was willing to allow in the rental car with me – which i’d rented solely to avoid the Van Full O’Dorks**.
Racing from the meeting at 4:00 pm, our mission was to cover the 300-ish miles in the shortest amount of time possible – and being slightly competitive, i wanted to be the first of the four returning vehicles to make it back. We left our meeting site a few minutes after the “Executive Car”, driven by The Director, and carrying The Chief Scientist, and P, the Executive Fart-catcher and idiot-boy responsible for trip logistics. Doing over 80 mph in my rental car*** i expected to pass the Executive Car after the first hour, but we didn’t see them.
MP decides to send a text to P – asking their location so we could determine how close we were… The response told us that they were at least 30 miles behind us! Not only was i driving faster, but i’d taken a more efficient route back to the highway, and we’d been ahead of them from the outset.
Rather than leave it there, MP sends a note to P – “Then that was your car back at the Adult World Sex Superstore” a few miles back… What did you buy?”****
* She’s normal – just like i am. Yeah, and “normal” as in “twisted, dark, and real”… single Mom, tons of fun. Works hard, has a life outside the office, and likes beer and trash talk as much as I do.
** Generally very nice people. Kind, thoughtful people. People who would not be comfortable with my “highway language”, which includes gems such as “Get out of the left lane, you dyslexic motherfucker!” and “Jesus Rock Climbing Christ, where did you learn to drive?”
*** Cheapest available make/model? An Oscar Meyer Wiener-mobile (aka – “Chevy Aveo”). Tiny, cheap and shaky above 70 mph. Top speed tested? 90 mph on the downside of a mountain. Thought the doors were going to blow off…
**** Regarding the “getting fired part” – we found out today that P had been reading our messages out loud to The Director and The Chief Scientist. We also found out today that at least the Chief Scientist found it hysterically funny…