How To Get Fired, Part 9


On the drive back from Cornhole, TN yesterday, i had an opportunity to share office gossip compare notes with MP, the one colleague* also conscripted for this particular business trip that i was willing to allow in the rental car with me – which i’d rented solely to avoid the Van Full O’Dorks**. 


Racing from the meeting at 4:00 pm, our mission was to cover the 300-ish miles in the shortest amount of time possible – and being slightly competitive, i wanted to be the first of the four returning vehicles to make it back.  We left our meeting site a few minutes after the “Executive Car”, driven by The Director, and carrying The Chief Scientist, and P, the Executive Fart-catcher and idiot-boy responsible for trip logistics.  Doing over 80 mph in my rental car*** i expected to pass the Executive Car after the first hour, but we didn’t see them.


MP decides to send a text to P – asking their location so we could determine how close we were…  The response told us that they were at least 30 miles behind us!  Not only was i driving faster, but i’d taken a more efficient route back to the highway, and we’d been ahead of them from the outset.


Rather than leave it there, MP sends a note to P – “Then that was your car back at the Adult World Sex Superstore” a few miles back…  What did you buy?”****




* She’s normal – just like i am.  Yeah, and “normal” as in “twisted, dark, and real”… single Mom, tons of fun.  Works hard, has a life outside the office, and likes beer and trash talk as much as I do.


** Generally very nice people.  Kind, thoughtful people.  People who would not be comfortable with my “highway language”, which includes gems such as “Get out of the left lane, you dyslexic motherfucker!” and “Jesus Rock Climbing Christ, where did you learn to drive?” 

*** Cheapest available make/model? An Oscar Meyer Wiener-mobile (aka – “Chevy Aveo”).  Tiny, cheap and shaky above 70 mph.  Top speed tested?  90 mph on the downside of a mountain.  Thought the doors were going to blow off…

 **** Regarding the “getting fired part” – we found out today that P had been reading our messages out loud to The Director and The Chief Scientist.  We also found out today that at least the Chief Scientist found it hysterically funny…

18 thoughts on “How To Get Fired, Part 9

  1. You paint such vivid pictures of yourself with your words, daisyfae. Your road trip brings to mind Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas for some reason…

  2. kyknoord – “But Captain, she can’t take any more… i’m givin’ her all got….” (and i’ll leave the situational interpretation to you…)

    DP – well, we were going to buy a butt plug, but The Director already had one in the backseat of his car… the one that arranged the trip, that is…

    nm – we’ll have to azahar teach me how to say it in Spanish.

    toby – this one was pretty close to “fear and loathing”, except my friend MP made it a hell of a lot more fun than it would have been otherwise!

  3. I like your definition of “normal”.

    I talked about our post 9/11 road trip before, right? The in-car GPS said our average speed was 74 mph. I know there were times when I was driving that we were near to 100 mph. Mind you, we were driving a Lincoln Towncar and a Mercury Grand Marquis (both white). I’d never have attempted that in “Chevy”* Aveo.

    *Aveo’s are really Daewoo cars. Major POS.

  4. Trips like those of much more fun when you have several cars full of smart-asses. We played 80 mph tag along Interstate 95 heading back from corporate off-site meetings.

  5. silverstar – nun fun? That sounds scary.

    Daisyfae, I always tried to avoid driving anywhere with co-workers because when you are sharing a ride, you can’t sneak away.

  6. rob – i work with scientists and engineers. “normal” isn’t… and do you know the difference between a 4-wheel drive vehicle and a rental car? you can go anywhere in a rental car. i grind the starter just because i can…

    umdalum – scary fun! never did the ‘rental race’, but did pay a cab driver (Vietnamese Mario Andretti) $20 to beat another cab from a bar to a hotel. In San Diego. At 3 am.

    MdW – they are rare and must be celebrated with fireworks and single malt scotch! question on the “crutches” thing – wouldn’t J. H. C. heal himself if he needed crutches?

    silverstar – 90% of the time my job blows and sucks. i write about the other 10%.

    annie – i’m thinking silverstar needs to write down some “nun stories”! and i’m also very funny about traveling with co-workers. a) i always drive b) i personally select who rides in my car – for that very reason. a small advantage to being at the top of the organizational food chain…

  7. Great advice. I’ll have to check out the other parts! It has to get old working with so many “abnormal” people. I know I despise it! 🙂

  8. just stumbled on your blog (maybe via Isabella Snow?)
    and love it…you’ve earned a rare position on my bookmark list.

    I grew up in a double-wide. until I was 8 I thought everyone had kittens living under their house, and when you had too many you took them to the grocery store to give to others.

  9. Matt – Welcome to The Park! Your avatar is how i felt this morning… a Saturday after a bad week. Since i work with technologists, scientists and engineers, the bar isn’t just “low” on the normal scale… i’m not sure there is a bar…

    jenuine – Welcome to The Park, too! Thanks for the nice words… Love the “sharing extra kitten” thought! Do you have a blog?

  10. Jesus rock climbs? Cool.

    But then again, my favourite road-rage induced expletive, courtesy of the Aussies is:

    “Get out of the road, you fucking fucker”

    It’s perfect.

    Especially in an aussie accent.

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