Semper Fido

Dragged Mr. Pickles the Wonder Mutt out with me for a walk tonight after work. He’s not good on a leash, and at almost 100 lbs, can knock me over while chasing invisible bunnies and following orders received from his handlers on The Dog Planet.

Rather than the choke collar – which didn’t work, and made the local animal rights people put my face on the “Evil Dog Mommy” posters displayed at the post office – i’ve started using something called “the gentle leader“.  This is a head harness that presses on the snout when pulled. He hates this thing. But he loves walks, so once we’re out of the Jeep, he’s forgotten his annoyance and is back to being the Marco Polo of the doggie set…

It was a beautiful evening… and it didn’t seem unreasonable to go out for an hour. At the halfway point Mr. Pickles had other plans. I’d brought a dog water bottle, and as he drank from the spout, he flopped to the ground with an audible plop – effectively telling me he was on strike.

Just as a human can appear to be in good health but have no cardiovasular strength, i suddenly realized that the Couch-Meister was in dire need of a fitness improvement program… yet i was 30 minutes away from the Jeep and had to deal with the immediate problem at hand. Thinking through several possible outcomes, i realized i might need to sling 100 lbs of squirming fur, poo and saliva around my neck to carry him back*.

Fortunately, he recovered enough to make the return trip… and i now have an additional workout buddy. Even though he’s a lean, not-even-close-to-mean, slobberin’ machine, my canine life partner dog is seriously out of shape.

Misery loves company, and Mr. Pickles better get used to evening treks with the old lady.  And i’m going to have to get used to seeing this when i get him home…


* Not only would i be slinging the dog around my neck, but i’d be juggling the water bottle (which could have been tucked into my shorts) and the bag of lukewarm poo (which could NOT have been tucked into my shorts).

14 thoughts on “Semper Fido

  1. It’s the poo bags that prevent me from being a loving dog mummy. Ew. Mind you, apparently if I breed, I will become obsessed with my offsprings excretions, so it’s only a kind of training. Ew.

  2. Poor Mr. Pickles. Men don’t like to be exercised – vertically anyway – though that doesn’t quite apply to the standing position of a dog, does it?

    Good luck.

  3. kyknoord – i struggle with this. he’s simple but loyal – so long as you don’t mind him wandering off to sniff trees and chase virtual squirrels when you’re under attack by armed clowns or something… and i do weigh the impact of my personal lifestyle decisions against his needs. i really do need to get a life…

    dolceii – a pet is a good training ground prior to breeding. i recommend starting small – something with a lifespan equivalent to your potential attention span. Sea Monkeys are great, and are fun to watch when you get tired of them and decide to set them free in your toilet bowl…

    uncle keith – it depends. have you been a good boy? can you fetch? can you fetch chocolate?

    annie – it’s all about the motivation, isn’t it? had a concept once for a “man wing” of my dream house – shared with my gal pals. they’d have to earn TV time – and other treats – by running on treadmills to stay in shape. Four hours on the exercise bike = 4 beers and the Super Bowl…

    awalkabout – True! My kids thought i sent them off to get wisdom teeth extracted just for the extra vicodin…

  4. Sea Monkeys. You’re obsessed with this monkey love stuff. (and in Africa, we only knew about Sea Monkeys from the back of Archie comics…man, I wanted them soooo bad.)

  5. dolceii – yes, i adore Sea Monkeys. i have some dehydrated ones in my pantry. they are worth the cost of shipping… suspect it might violate some agricultural laws, since they are ALIVE!, but i’d be happy to ship you some if interested…

    az – he “lolled” for about 2 hours… felt kinda bad. he’s recovered, but we’ll hit the next round soon…

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