Getting paint put on my fingernails today at Big Gay Chuck’s Big Gay Hair Salon* with my adorable and feisty tattooed biker-chick nail tech – who works in Chuck’s upscale salon:
client: My hair is doing strange things. It seems fine and straight on top, but much thicker on the bottom… Are there any styling products that can help?
upscale salon stylist: Oh, yes, i’ve heard of this – it’s pretty much hormonal. I’ve found a great product – Straight-Sexy-Smoother – that does wonders for this situation. You just put a couple pumps on, work it in, then blow it dry. It doesn’t weigh down the flat parts, but it gently un-curls the ends…
[interminable twenty minute discussion about the types of styling products that are available goes here – including a discourse on a particular miraculous product that changed a womans life…actually taming the frizz without (can you believe it?) taking away the body…]
daisyfae [in her head]: Products? Hello? You need some fucking scissors. It’s called “FRIZZ” or “SPLIT FUCKING ENDS”. You cut it off, leave it on the floor and move on… or beat it into submission with a flat iron that operates at solar temperatures…
i must have been passed out drunk in the courtyard during this part of Chick School. Yet i have a basket full of “hair care products” in my bathroom. Many of them about 5-10 years old. The basket holds the door open.
At 45 years old, i finally understand that there is no amount of money spent on styling products that will make me look like a fucking supermodel. And the same is true with make up. It’s Cover Girl or Revlon. The chemistry is the same – no matter what you fucking pay for it!
i’m just glad my hair grew back**. Never thought i’d have long hair again… i’ll take a little frizz, thank you very much!
____________
* Not the actual name, but it should be…
** Odd reaction to medication (not chemo) about 6 years ago left me with very little hair. During that era, i acquired quite the collection of “snap on” hair – which i used to frighten the housekeeping staff of hotels when i’d clip it on mirrors in the bathroom…
Trailer Park Refugee 
You’ve got thick hair on your bottom? ……….. mmmmmmmm
Women and their hair.
Ahhh . . .
I live in a house with four women and let me tell you about hair products.
There’s shit in my bathroom closet that I can’t even pronounce much less know what it does.
I’ve been shaving my noggin for @2 years and love the low maintenance angle. It kills the women to see me showered and ready to go before they’ve even turned on the blow dryer.
Great post, DF
~m
btw- love the curler pic. I think you can pick up Sirius radio with curlers that size 😉
That pic is pretty much how I’ve been wearing my hair for the past 25 years (though instead of curlers it’s just tied up at the back in a scrunchy made out of shoe-laces).
Fairly low maintenance. Certainly not the hair I want (I have what is known as ‘pelo frito’) but many years ago I realised that my hair was NEVER going to look good, so the only thing to do was to forcibly get it under control.
About once or twice a year, when there is 0% humidity and a cool breeze, I blow dry and straighten the shit out of it and wear it down … and then EVERYONE says “oh, did you get your hair cut? it looks lovely!”
Except it’s not my hair. Whatever.
So no special hair products or make-up at casa az. I totally agree with you about make-up, daisy – what on earth could make a tube of lipstick actually worth $75?
*Sigh* Yeah, I remember when I had hair.
DP – ewww…. clearly you need to be sufficiently caffeinated before reading blogs. it was the other lady with the frizzy bottom…
~m – i’ve recently made a pact with myself not to purchase any more hair stuff until i work through the stockpile. when my hair was very thin, i was within days of getting out the razor, shaving my head and painting my head instead. fortunately, i was able to ditch the offending medication, the hair returned…
az – shoelaces? clever and resourceful! i do love my flat iron – but like you, i am a human dehumidifier, and with just one drop of rain, the afro pops and i look like a dandelion gone to seed. so it goes!
rob – a yin/yang thing no doubt… be thankful that the shaved head is now widely accepted, rather than just the crazy biker phenomenon that it was in the 70’s/80’s…
Your bottom is OK then? – what a relief!
Big Gay Chuck’s Big Gay Hair
there’s one in Belfast, must be a franchise……hehehehehe
actually there’s about 7
Chick school? They had a Chick school!? Okay, well that explains so much. Damn. Where was I? Or is this another one of those skinny, pretty cheerleaders only things?
My hair has been doing pretty much as it pleases since my head decided to grow some (I was a fuzz ball until I was two and a half – my hair has never been in a hurry to bow to any will but its own). My mother subdued it by basically keeping my hair as short as she could and that was so short that I was regularly mistaken for a boy.
There is little magic on the open market for us regular girls. I just lament and accept (reluctantly).
You had a Chick School? We guys just got a manual. Most of the pages are missing, especially the ones dealing with women.
DP – am i going to have to come over there and kick you in the shins? can i phone it in?
manuel – a chain? he does work in florida. wouldn’t be surprised if BGC is jetting the globe, selling overpriced hair products to botoxed stepford women worldwide…
annie – good to know i wasn’t the only one who missed it! my mid-life observation is that most gentlemen with more than an angstrom of depth prefer us ‘regular’ girls…
wanderer – missing or just stuck together? nice link, by the way…
Oh man, if we had a Big Gay Chuck’s Big Gay Hair Salon here, I would definitely let my hair grow out again. Definitely.
God. I love being low maintenance (thank you lord, for my head of does-what-it-likes-regardless hair). I have a hairbrush. I just don’t know where it is.
I know women who spend an hour every single day on their hair. Who the hell has an extra hour in their day? No way.
And ~m..you’ve got shit in your cupboard? You should fire your house elf. Ew.
WTF?
Halloween is still 6 1/2 months away, dahling, which makes me wonder what’s really going on, what with the photos of the cranial direction-finder antenna and colossal gym bag fashion undies. 🙂
kyknoord – i’m sure you can find somewhere in Cape Town to handle that brazilian wax for you. i say “let it grow”…
dolceii – agreed! i whack it flat and am done… in the summer, once the humidity kicks up, i’ll let it curl/frizz. or shave it.
toby – in my world, it’s always halloween!