Eyewitness Report: Redneck Wedding

In 2006, our Trailer Park family got to experience one of those magical adventures known as ‘The Wedding’.  DQ and BJ tied the knot in a hoedown to end all  marital hoedowns.  Striking just the right balance between “glamour” and “comfort”, they pulled together a wedding in their own style – and worked hard to keep costs down, doing much of the legwork on their own. 

The bridesmaids gowns were made from about a thousand yards* of brown satin.  They wore matching sequined flip flop sandals.  Brown.  “Why Brown?” you ask?  Well, that was the only color that could be coordinated with the “Mossy Oak” tuxedo vests. 



Since i was meeting The Girl halfway around the world, i was unable to attend.  But, thanks to the wonders of technology, my sister, T, was able to give me an electronic summary while i lounged poolside at a 4-star hotel in Bangkok.  Here, gently modified to protect me from the innocent, is her “Scores and Highlights” from the reception.  It was held in a “party barn” and was a “bring your own booze” event…
     The reception went off well  – there were no firearms.  Really got me into the Autumn mood with all those colorful leaves on the tables.  They spent a LOT of time on those decorations.  DQ could be a wedding planner (I am always hopeful about her possible participation in the economy, as you know).  I took photos of the barn. 

     We showed up with our cooler full of Ketel One and Martini mix.  Also champagne and wine.  They drank three bottles of our wine and a bottle of champagne; we were happy to share.  We danced until the cows came home.  Literally.  I think I saw some. 
    I didn’t know LPGA** liked to dance that much.  We never go to bars to dance or anything.  She was like John Travolta all night and did the splits a few times to loud clapping and cheering.  Now she has a big bruise on her knee; she isn’t 20 years old anymore. 
     They played some country song and she started square dancing with everyone, linking arms and going around and around.  Then everyone starting doing it and she was calling out “Do See Do”.  You would have had a blast.  The DJ was OK, but spent too much time on games and hula hoops and stuff.  The music didn’t start up until too late. 
     JS*** had to sit at the head table but we hung out with R.  T and his family showed up later, so we had a chance to hang out with his family, too.  LPGA and I wore moss camo hats.  I had a big wide brimmed one and LPGA had a sporty baseball cap.  I haven’t uploaded the photos yet.  They will blow your mind.
     LPGA was impressed with the shawls the bridesmaids wore to cover their tattoos.  One fell down during the ceremony revealing a large spider which, we found out later, is really an unfinished butterfly (JS ran out of funding, so it was never finished). 
     The highlight was the ring bearer.  I am NOT MAKING THIS UP.  He is probably 3 years old and he walked up the aisle with his finger up his nose.  All the way up to the knuckle, man… then he ate it. 
     Speaking of food, BJ’s family ate at the reception and then most of them left.  You never told me that his mother weighed 400 pounds!  They took all of the leftover food and cake too. The food wasn’t bad, there just wasn’t much left by the time we got up there – BJ’s family was packing up leftovers before people were finished eating. 
     Afterwards, they did their own clean up to save money and shit.  White garbage bags were flying everywhere.  They wanted to get to the after-party at some biker bar – we got invited but didn’t go.  In the frenzy, somebody threw away party favors and a cake plate that S had put a $100 deposit on.  She had to climb through the dumpster Sunday morning to retrieve it.   She was pissed.
Good times… and although i had an amazing adventure in Asia with The Girl, i’m a little sorry i missed it.   
 * The bridesmaids were not itty-bitty girls.  These were large women, made to look larger in the shiny brown satin.  The only way they could have looked worse?  Bovine-print satin.  Would have been terrible if they’d made their entrance down a cattle ramp…

** T’s partner, LPGA, is a former professional golfer.  She is a class act, from a proper southern family.  Her patience, tolerance and understanding of life in The Park is truly an inspiration to me.

*** JS is DQ’s stepsister.  She is the daughter of G (my sister, S’s first husband).  The story of G is found here.  JS, who just so happens to like girls, has been with her partner, R, for about 8 years.


15 thoughts on “Eyewitness Report: Redneck Wedding

  1. at our wedding one of the female guests was discovered reclining on the dining room table with a male guest’s hand up her vagina….. they were discovered by their partners who had gone looking for them……

    hey, it doesn’t get much trashier than that. and my wedding was supposed to be classy!

  2. thank you, daisyfae. this is absolutely priceless and you are a saint for sharing it with us.

    i would send more blessings your way, but i can’t stop laughing.

  3. paisley – this one was done with affection, as well as wide-eyed astonishment! my sister, T, said there were very touching moments along the way… the duality of The Park at its finest!

    kyknoord – stick around. i suspect DQ will have another wedding one of these days. this was only her second… and yes, my sister, T, is very funny.

    nm – oh, now that’s a great wedding story! great photos for the album, no doubt!

    toby – this one is really all my sister, T. she sent me that from the her blackberry, and i’m sure if she had been trying to make it funnier, it would have been…

  4. uncle keith – since we’re obviously related, that rules out any future exchanges of bodily fluids. um, er… doesn’t it?

    az – would have been stunning. i was just thankful no joker showed up with a cattle prod… brown satin was bad enough.

    manuel – small world. you’d have been horrified at the table manners, and lack thereof…

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