Windshield or Bug?

Without doubt, it is extremely satisfying to rant and rage about outrageous and stupid behavior.  In fact, this seems to provide significant fuel for the worldwide blogging community.  This is a good thing, as the release of anger and frustration may prevent workplace violence and road rage.  And, as an added bonus, it’s generally funny as hell…

As I was making my fourth boneheaded maneuver this morning – before I even made it to work – a teeny-tiny, very scary lightbulb appeared over my head…. 

On my way to a doc appointment before work, the “you’re an idiot and are about to run out of gas” warning light came on, making it urgent to find a gas station on unfamiliar turf.  Successful in my quest, i left the gas station and headed to work.  Not knowing the traffic patterns, i realized that with rush hour traffic it might be hours before i could make a direct left turn from the station.  I conceded defeat, signaled, and waited for an opening – planning a u-turn to recover.

As an unexpected opening appeared in both directions, I lurched into the gap, squealing my tires, turning left with my right turn signal blazing.  A fleeting glance in my rear view mirror gave a glimpse of the driver behind me – shaking his head in disbelief. 

He is, at this very moment, blogging furiously about the idiot bimbo in the pimp-gold shitmobile who should be banned from the roads, if not the entire planet.

And it wasn’t even 8:30 am….

Arriving at my exit, I was waiting my turn at the entry gate.  Reaching for my all-powerful “smart card”, I immediately realized that it was at home, resting comfortably in my laptop*. 

Fortunately, I quickly realized the need turn around, and executed a spectacular asshole maneuver before reaching the gate!  I proceeded to circle completely around the cloverleaf, returning to the highway from whence I came – no doubt, fueling more blogs in the process….

The miraculous thing?  Once I made it to the office, I had an unusually productive day.  Swashbuckling my way through a gauntlet of red tape and bureaucracy, and winning a shiny gold medal in the urinary olympics du jour!

But alas, there is a law regarding conservation of functionality.  For every victory at the office, I had a cosmic fart in my personal life today.  And they continued after I headed home…

One of my duties backstage is to provide snacks for cast and crew.  Rather than stop at the store on my way home – while still cleverly disguised as a responsible adult – I decided to stop en route to rehearsal.  As I was getting out of my car in the parking lot, I realized that I must look absurd – wearing camo pajama pants, a tank top, black socks and sport sandals (typical backstage gear).  Making this worse?  Tonight was “head shot” night (no, not like that… individual photos are taken for the lobby boards).  I had done my hair and makeup, and was wearing the gigantic hoop earrings used for my cameo appearance…

Pushing a shopping cart, I looked like a hooker running personal errands between tricks.

Needless to say, there is some local woman, blogging her outraged little heart out tonight about the complete breakdown of society due to the lack of fashion sense demonstrated by her slovenly neighbors….

So as I sat backstage, drafting this on my blackberry, there came the most frightening realization of all…

Could it be that some member of my family has a secret blog, documenting the arrogant, judgmental and self-righteous behavior of a distant family member? 

_____________

*As a side note, the laptop is no longer a 4 lb Dell-brand boat anchor, but did have to be completely wiped and rebuilt after my last “smart card” malfunction.  

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13 thoughts on “Windshield or Bug?

  1. I think a more savvy question to ask would be “if there isn’t a member of my family with a secret blog, documenting the arrogant, judgmental and self-righteous behavior of a distant family member, then why the fuck not?

  2. *sigh* do you really think there are many people crossing our paths daily who actually blog as well?

    I have only met ONE other blogger in the time that I’ve been doing this. obviously I don’t talk about it at work but I’m all about the blog in my non-work life and NO ONE I talk to has got a blog. No one!

    why is that?

  3. “So as I sat backstage, drafting this on my blackberry”

    Ever since I went out for drinks with my friend the other day and she showed me her blackberry I can’t stop thinking that I need one.

    You have a new laptop?

  4. kn – that’s easy. can you spell ‘illiterate’?

    nm – it’s probably something i call ‘awareness paranoia’. happens when you’re going to a concert, or event, where seating is limited… and it seems to you that everyone else on the road is going the same place and you have to get there first… maybe that’s just me. never mind…

    az – it’s a love/hate thing. it may kill me. i use it occasionally while driving. and i’ve got the old laptop, they just had to wipe the files clean and rebuild it since no one could unlock it when i got the new ‘smart card’. lost a few files, but i’m too disorganized to even know what they were…

  5. I seriously hope that all my family have secret blogs that they leave to me in their wills.

    I may learn something about them that I won’t have to delve for when I’m doing the family tree.

    Found your blog through Manuel, and I’m enjoying it, I seem to be reading a lot at the moment, it’s suprising how so many people can have so much in common. Keep up the good work.

  6. uncle keith – then i’m sure as hell doing my part! is that a different take on ‘fuel my blog’?

    queen – Welcome to The Park! it sure would be fun to just leave the blog website in a will… my greatest surprise was the ‘resonance’ of the words world-wide. a bit unexpected, and absolutely delightful! and i look forward to a stroll through your words – i’m a frequent business traveler, and like the idea of gaining insight regarding what goes on ‘behind the desk’…

  7. kn – and neither can a few of them!

    nm – typically only reading while stopped at traffic lights. but i have written short notes while on the highway. bad idea, for sure…

  8. I’ve got a Blackberry and it’s darned handy at times. I don’t use it during heavy traffic but if traffic’s light or stopped I will read or do short answers. I’m careful. I know my limitations.

    My dad used to drive a lot for his job and he always had a book across the steering wheel, reading while he was driving those long 60mph stretches in rural Idaho.
    I come by it naturally.

  9. nm – it should be illegal. reading at traffic lights? probably pretty dangerous in these parts if you hesitate to move within a nanosecond of the light turning green, you could be run over by an impatient SUV driver…

    bc – i’m better about it than i was when i first acquired it… that ‘reading books’ thing is a bit scary, though. i guess there are more dangerous things to do while driving…

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