Repatriating Mr. Pickles

Based on the short “test run“, i expected it to be bad… And with further data, supplied while i was en route to South America? Oh, it was gonna be WAAAAAY bad… in the sense that he would never want to come home!

My flight landed around 1pm on Monday, and by 3pm i was driving madly southbound, headed to The Park, to retrieve my canine life partner gently retarded dog. Mild trepidation – mostly around the thought that with all of that 24-hour attention, he would be loathe to return to my quiet home, where – unlike my niece - i have this pesky day job that keeps me away from him 10 hours a day…

After a quick, smothering hug when i first entered the trailer, i knew he hadn’t forgotten me.  i also realized quickly that he smelled like a biker bar, oozing stale smoke the way a homely sorority girl reeks desperation.  But i also realized that, unlike the sorority chick, my dog could be bathed…

My niece, DQ, gave me the “scores and highlights”.  She apologized for the mess – but her vacuum cleaner had choked and died from all of the plastic pieces-parts ingested when cleaning up the dog/baby toy shrapnel.  Seems Mr. P doesn’t like stuffed animals or rubber chew toys, and has a deep-seated hatred for tennis balls.  Oops*.  He also managed to chew through a wide swath of carpeting – which my niece assured me was old, and in need of replacement anyway.  Double oops**.  He did, however, excel at cleaning the cat litter box, and drinking from the toilet came quite naturally.

On the plus side of the equation?  My dog apparently got more sex than he’s ever gotten in his life.  DQ explained that the floor was a roiling 24-hour humpfest, with her two female dogs sharing in the lovin’ from both sides of the fence.  He was nearly permanently attached to one or both of his cousins.

Perhaps more disturbing?  She mentioned that the Shar Pei puppy, 9 months old***, was a bit precocious.  Every time Mr. Pickles “Red Rocket” made an appearance, the li’l skank liked to treat it like a cherry popsicle.  Really surprised that my damn dog would even get in the car after that….

Mr. Pickles enjoys "Girl on Girl" action

Mr. Pickles enjoys "girl on girl" action...

The best part?  He seemed to have developed a special bond with the 1 year old, DQ, III.  Not just serving as her “doggie horse”, i got to watch them both begging for pizza scraps together, as DQ ate dinner on the couch.  And share a sweet moment shortly thereafter****.

Sharing worms with the baby...

Sharing worms with the baby...

But he’s home.  He’s happy – sleeping for the better part of 12 hours after repatriation.  i missed him.  Nice to have the big doofus taking up space in my bed, drooling on my floor, and breathing my air again…

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* i ordered a new vacuum cleaner for them.  it should be delivered in a couple days.  it’s called the “Pet Hair Eraser”.  kinda liked the sound of that… if i ever purchase a vacuum cleaner for myself, i might get that one.

** and yes, i’ll be contributing toward new carpet when they put their house on the market.  damn.  dogs are a lot of work…

*** At 9 months old, this pup isn’t even 7 in dog years.  So, my brain-damaged mutt had his little doggie knob polished by a 5 year old?  AAAAAAAAARGH!

**** Looks like a kiss, but in fact, i think he’s swiping a pizza crust from the baby.  Every critter for himself…