when your best isn’t good enough*

Auditioned for my first show in almost two years.  One that i’d love to do… have wanted to do for over a year.

Ouch.  i was nervous as hell.  Didn’t belt the vocal piece the way i’ve practiced it… but it was ok.  Fuck.  Why couldn’t i do my audition in the car?  i sing better when i’m driving.  Friends said i nailed it but i know i had more.  Readings were ok – but then i’ve never been very good with the cold reading shit.  It’s mostly a musical show, and the vocal piece was pretty fucking important.

About 45 minutes into auditions, She showed up.  i’d heard She wasn’t going to do it.  i’ve worked with Her before.  i sort of like Her.  She did it as a toss off.  Breezed in late, didn’t fill out the audition form, clearly wasn’t trying.  Found out later that She’d auditioned for another show She’d prefer to do.  Wasn’t really paying attention and even read the wrong character at one point.  Not. Fucking. Trying.

She was simply better than i was.  Not a god damned thing i can do about that… 

So if there’s a fucking god – doubtful, by the way – then She’ll be cast in her preferred show and i’ll have a shot at being “First Loser” and get the part i want…

i hate theater.  i hate it with all my heart and soul.  Unlike the world of engineering, there is no logic – it’s all about putting it out there, everything resting on a few moments in the spotlight.  Even if i’d nailed the vocals, it wouldn’t have been enough.  It is simply beyond my control.  i am not the best person for the role.  If i were the director, it would be a no brainer. 

All i can do for the next few days is wait.  And hope.  And hope some more.  And pray to a god i don’t believe in that theater karma will put her in the role she desires, and i can have a shot at the one i want.

fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck.

god, i hate theater. 

Moving on already.  Preparing myself for the next audition in October. Preparing myself to work backstage on a show that i love… maybe i’ll be in the band or something.  i’ll get to watch someone better do something that i will convince myself i couldn’t do very well anyway.  Yeah.  i’ve never carried a leading role before.  Probably would have been too much for me anyway…

Being grateful that i have a very nice “day job” that pays the bills and allows me this folly…

UPDATE:  i was offered, and accepted, a role in the show – not the dream role, but something festive and fun.  It’s an ensemble show, so there’s fun to be had – i’ll be on stage a good bit, and get some of the juiciest lines…  Oh, and for more ego-bashing fun?  She was offered the role in the other show, but changed Her mind… was talked into taking the role She didn’t seem to want much…. (sigh)… and this has left the other director scrambling a bit to re-cast his show.  It’ll be a better show with Her in it…  And away we go…

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* This is not a gratuitous plea for encouraging words, folks.  Please.  Not necessary.  It’s just an excerpt from an e-mail i sent around 1 am.  A glimpse into a brain after an audition gone “Meh”…  i’m fine.  Not cutting myself or anything like that… It’s just a peek behind the powder room door, at a tired, half-drunken ego that has just survived a good, healthy bashing.  Humility.  Not always a bad thing…

Impulsivity…

Hadn’t seen him in over 30 years.  But through an odd series of stumbles, our respective “bubbles” crossed again.  When he suggested visiting for a weekend, it seemed like a nice, nebulous invitation – not particularly actionable. 

Until he mentioned the music festival occurring over the holiday weekend.  And until i priced the airfare, which was dirt cheap.  So less than two weeks ago, i bought tickets.  Showed up at a strange airport on Thursday night.

Needless to say, the kids were a bit concerned… “But Mom, what if he’s a serial killer?”  Ahhh… whatever.  i’m tough.  It would take a pretty badass serial killer to go head-to-head with my decreasing estrogen.  Bring it, muthafuckah…

Naturally, i sent them a text upon arrival “Made it safely.  He’s really cool.  Great chainsaw and power tool collection next to the chest freezer in his sub-basement”.  On the phone with them today?  Mentioned that he’s given me some great lotion to put on my skin – said it’d be better than him having to take a hose to me…

This is why i enjoy flying solo.  Being impulsive, following my ‘gut’, indulging whims – without really having to consult anyone else.  Who?  Me?  Adrenaline junkie? 

Oh, and i suspect my lovely brown skin, tanned so nicely while on vacation in Mexico last week, is going to make a “girl suit” that shall be the envy of the other psychopaths….

Rafting the River

There is a creek that splits on the North American continental divide*.  One channel, Atlantic Creek, flows east into the Yellowstone River, to the Missouri and then Mississippi rivers, hitting the Gulf of Mexico.  The other, Pacific Creek, flows west to the Snake River into the Pacific Ocean. 

The water churns merrily along, molecules of H2O entwined in a raucous aquatic parade.  Consider a gallon of water**, frozen at a moment in time upstream.  Percolating downstream.  Simply doing what water molecules do.  Each molecule traversing the moment.  Rafting.

As this conceptual gallon of water arrives at Two Ocean Pass, something rather remarkable occurs.  The fate of each molecule is determined by something random.  Something seemingly inconsequential.  Something that may itself be transient… a stick in the stream, a fish, an anomalous blip in the current due to something that happened much further upstream.

Two molecules, momentarily adjacent, diverge.  One meanders along Atlantic Creek, eventually being dumped in the Gulf of Mexico.  The other, rides the Pacific Creek out to the Snake River and emerges in the Pacific Ocean.  They never saw it coming.  And they sure as hell can’t go back…

Two Ocean Creek, Wyoming

Two Ocean Creek, Wyoming

Copyright – Ralph Maughan (image sourced here)

*Two-Ocean Creek, Bridger-Teton National Forest, Wyoming.  This spot is known as the “Parting of the Waters” National Natural Landmark.

** For reference – and my nerdier readers – a gallon of water has ~1.27 E27 molecules…

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Thank you again, ms…. Still chewing on this….