Being Jacked by “The Man”

The Boy had a nice late summer walkabout in the nearby wilds of Canada.  He encountered some annoyances at his border crossing into Canada, and apparently even greater annoyances on his way back into the US.  Earlier this week, i was in a 2nd degree rage* regarding stupid bullshit from TEH STATE BUREAU OF MORONS MOTOR VEHICLES, requiring unnecessary paperwork and resulting in harassment.  This led to conversation about Big Brother, Oppression, Stupid Bureaucrats and Asinine Policies and Procedures That Make Your Brain Implode.

He recounted his experience re-entering the USA following his excursion into Canada…

The Boy:  I was completely profiled**.  Border agent walked alongside my car while i was in line, said “How are you today, sir?” and stuck a card under my windshield wiper, flagging me for “interrogation”.

daisyfae: And you didn’t even say anything that time?

The Boy:  Didn’t have to!  I just drove by, the next agent waved me into the parking area, and I went inside for questioning.  I was the only white guy there – the rest were all Middle Eastern.

daisyfae:  Profiling.  It’s their first line of defense…

The Boy:  What pissed me off was how stupid they were!  They had me empty my pockets on a table, then one guy told me to stand with my hands against the wall.  One of them starts going through my wallet, so I look over my shoulder to watch – and they tell me to keep my hands and my eyes on the wall.  I said “You’re going through my wallet.  I’m watching you do it.”  Then, the other one starts to pat me down, and tells me to pull my pants up tight.  I asked “How can i pull up my pants if my hands are on the wall?”  So they got frustrated and confused… assholes.

daisyfae:  Running rings around their logic is no way to win friends prior to a butt-probe… You probably won’t even get a “courtesy spit”…

The Boy:  Then the guy grabs my balls and says “what’s this?”  I said “It’s my balls!  What?  Is this your first day on the job?”

"We've got a 'Seven-Eleven' here - Some clown got mouthy at the border..."

"We've got a 'Seven-Eleven' here - Some clown got mouthy at the border..."

 * One of the vehicles in my fleet of shit-mobiles was “RANDOMLY SELECTED”, and i was required to provide proof of insurance.  Annoyed, and quickly scanning the list of documents, i snagged a copy of an insurance statement for that car, mailed it in and promptly forgot about it.  Two weeks later, i get a second notice, explaining that the document i sent was an “invoice” for insurance, and not suitable as proof.  OK.  Fine.  THE NEXT FUCKING DAY i got a notice of “SUSPENSION”, stating that if i failed to provide proper documentation within a few days, my driving privileges for that vehicle would be suspended.  Yeah – i screwed the pooch, and was happy to fix the mistake, you pig-fucking ass-wipes… how about giving me a few days to get you the right stuff?

** A 20 year old young man, long hair, probably smoking and wearing shades?  Traveling alone?  OK.  i might be a little curious, too.  Next time, i suggested he travel in drag as a middle-aged woman.  We’re fucking invisible…  Another year or so, and i’ll be robbing banks in broad daylight.

15 thoughts on “Being Jacked by “The Man”

  1. e4 – That’s pretty brilliant! Talk about packin’ heat….

    dolce – i’ll let him know… but promise to not underwrite the cost of his airfare. you seem to have your hands full already with mr. noord…

    nursemyra – i love it! it’ll be our signature! We walk into banks, invisible in our street clothes, then leave photos of ourselves in our party wear — “The Corset Crooks”.

  2. hey, give those border guards a break… it can get pretty damn lonely up there and, given The Boy is a good looking kid, just wanted a little warm companionship for a couple hours… (and, yeah, “ewww” as i wrote that).

  3. if they profiled him cuz of the way he looks that’s bullshit, last i checked we were free to express ourselves any way we choose and that means i can dress how i like, have long hair, tattoo’s or i can wear a three piece suit or a dress, what’s the difference, in a nutshell this country and their overzealous law enforcement can suck, i quote the great Clint Eastwood in saying “when did we all become such pussies”… what’s funny is i once bounced around Europe for awhile all on my own looking much like your son probably, long hair, beard, flannel shirt, stoned out of my gourd and not once did i get searched crossing any border, i saw them pull the straight looking kids out but not the hairy ape man, in Paris as they were pulling all these hippie kids off the train i actually walked up to the police and gave them my stuff to search (that’s what i get for eating two of those delicious Dutch cookies) and they all laughed at me and told me to beat it, at least it think they did i didn’t understand much French.

  4. sorry–have some sympathy but glad to have a partner in interrogation. I married a Dr. from Syria so I am constantly under the “watchful eye” of the government. Most recently all of our mail from the middle east is being opened and repackaged then sent on to us. We have even gotten mail we never request from the Middle East so we know everyone is being investigated. Your poor son–It just makes me look forward to our hours that we will be spending being scrutinized while we travel to Syria this summer. –Don’t forget to get him one soon if he plans on going to Canada again. New changes coming up in about 100 days for all international travel

  5. Tell The Boy that sometimes it has a lot to do with which Border station it is that you pass through on the way back. In my former home Washington state, there were two, Sumas, which is out in the middle of nowhere, and Blaine, which is directly south of Vancouver. When I lived up there, I’d go home via Sumas because if I’m going to spend an additional hour on the road, I’ll want to do it with a change of scenery and not staring at the bumper of some car filled with potheads.

    It could be worse. He could be crossing back through US via Tijuana.

    Always wondered what happened to Carrot Top, and now I know,
    SA

  6. Isn’t that the truth? You get into your 40s and 50s and all of a sudden you’re invisible. Maybe I oughtta join you robbing banks. We could be the Fragrant Daisies. Aw, shit.

  7. If he came down B.C. way, they might have figured him for a pot head or something.

    Rob made the crew at Portal very nervous too. They pegged him for a guy looking to marry his way to citizenship. Fooled them, eh? But the anal probe loomed large in his life for a few months.

  8. unbearable banishment – i suspect The Boy will add that one to his playlist. As a minimum, a well timed “shart” would make for some adventures in frisking…

    gnu – i think my son likes his partners a bit smarter. well. sometimes….

    stephanie – he said that most cars were waved through, but he was ‘tagged’. i’m sure they tagged him with the “druggie” tag, and were hoping for an easy bust…

    kono – love the parisian hippies bit! stoners are nothing, if not good citizens! while bars are full of angry drunks, you’ll never find someone breaking up the furniture after smoking a bit of the weed…

    hisqueen – my sister married a man from Jordan during the first Persian Gulf war – so i’ve seen some of that treatment (although it’s been horrific since Sept 11th). Guess you just need to plan lots of extra time for your travel…

    sonny – he had originally planned a “hunter s thompson-esque” adventure to Mexico with a friend, but wisely decided to go north instead. Just less likely to run into all sorts of trouble for a couple of ‘young ‘uns’. If he goes again, it might make sense to cross over in Wisconsin, rather than Detroit…

    KJ – it’s frustrating to be the incredible invisible woman. i think that’s why so many older women take to wearing ridiculous hats and all that… me? i’m just going to start going topless. the reconstructed bionic twins are still holding their own!

    annie – i’m sure they keep track of the number of crossings, so a regular pattern would be a trigger. sometimes it’s cool to be a chick… i could drive across the border 20 times a week, and they’d probably just wave me through.

    alex – i’d say it’s not “complete”. yet. So far, no gangsters have shown up to piss on his rug… as far as i know.

    Bb – yes, he is. and funny as shit, too. has kept him alive on more than one occasion (ie: saved him from the Wrath of Mom).

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