A Separation Agreement

Beyond the age of 10, birthdays suck ass.  Well, there have been perhaps a few along the way that weren’t horrible, with pleasant moments – mostly mellow “hang time” with my ex and kids.  Basically, for the past 20+ years, i’ve adopted a “lowered expectations” approach which has worked well*.

Today i turned 46.  That would be on the downhill slide toward 50.  Not expecting much, i was rewarded with even less…  Some highlights:

- Gifts:  Mr. Pickles continued to leave steaming piles of liquefied love last night.  Genuinely concerned that he’s become a canine bile factory, i scheduled a visit to the vet first thing this morning.  He got an anal probe and some drugs to stop the pukage.  i got a bill for $200, and an invitation to bring him back to make the vet’s next car payment for x-rays tomorrow if he keeps ralphing.

- The Mysterious Visitor From Beyond: While at the vet, watching Mr. P politely take a gloved finger up the tailpipe, i got a call on my work blackberry from a ”Staffer”.  It was a hang up.  Upon returning to the office, i called him back – he asked if i’d be at my desk for awhile.  “Yes, i get paid to sit here like a brick, c’mon down”.  He showed up shortly thereafter, pulled out a flash memory drive, asked me to open some files.  He then proceeded to show me a spreadsheet, and a word document, with information i’d provided him last week.  Rather than ask questions for clarification, or ask me to add/delete information, he seemed quite content to just look at them with me.  He’d say “ok, now open this one” – i’d open it, and he’d say “OK, now, go back to the spreadsheet”.  He left about 20 minutes later, seemingly satisfied.  I was confused.  Makes me wonder who’s the brick**. 

- Insurance Claims Adjustments:  Talked with an insurance adjustor, who explained that upon further investigation, my daughter’s car had been a total loss (frame was bent), and that i’ve got 3 days left on the rental car (provided by the insurance company of the other driver, who was at fault).  This means either renting another car, or buying one within a couple days.  Brain melting by 10:00 am.

- Liquid Lunch – Respite:  A friend took me out for a quiet birthday lunch.  Rather than have cake for dessert, i ordered a shot of Jack Daniels as an appetizer.  Hey, it was 11:30.  That’s afternoon in Nova Scotia.

- Car Quest:  During lunch, i talked myself into just getting on with buying a car.  I’m ruthlessly efficient, know what i want, can do quick research and have RAD MATH SKILLZ.  It’s not rocket surgery.  Surfing the web between meetings this afternoon, i discovered that used Honda Civics are currently in short supply, as yuppies across the region are getting a bit tired of burning up their cash to fuel their Hummers***.  Found two at a local dealer that would work.  By the time i got home from work and called, one had already been sold…

- Household Nitnoids:  The month of May was pretty fucking sucktastic.  My house has been neglected****.  For the past two weeks, my garage door has required the application of a complex strong-arm maneuver to open.  i really need to fix this (or contract it out) but it’s just not made it to the top of my to-do list.  Tonight?  Extra strong arming required.  i wrenched my shoulder.  i’m out of whiskey*****.

- The Mail:  Granted, i tend to downplay the birthday thing.  But it’s nice to have a few folks remember…. especially family.  My friends did a good job of sending e-mail, calling (leaving a few deliciously twisted voicemails), text messages, dropping by with amazing silly gifts, and even a personalized powerpoint slide show from 3000 miles away******!  That’s all it takes – a moment or two of ‘hey, thinking about you’.  From my family?  Squat.  These are the people i used to call, e-mail or send cards to – and reliably sent cash to their spawn (rarely with acknowledgement).  When i realized they’d stopped remembering my kids b-days?  Fuck it – i stopped bothering – and no one seemed to even notice.  There was one card today – from my ex-sister-in-law – the one i like.  Made me very sad… i don’t get to see her these days. 

And so it went… more nitnoids, more annoyances, more aggravation.  Nothing huge in the mix.  Early in the day, someone asked me what i wanted for my birthday.  Took until now for me to figure it out. 

A separation agreement.  “Reality”?   i’m sick of your shit.  i refuse to deal with you.  A temporary parting of the ways is in order – you go off and take care of your needs – your boring, relentless, soul-crushing needs – and i’m going off the grid for a few days.  Don’t bother me.  i’ll be under the covers with a book.  My attorney will be in touch…

Post Script:  Done whining.  Goal is for it to last 24 hours or less.  Damn – i’m turning into my mother. 

* Rarely do i sit and weep - unless i decide to drink myself into a stupor.  Mostly, i’ve adopted more of a sullen, withdrawn blue-funk posture…  And i whine.  Sorry.

** To my friend, T – Where the fuck do you find these people?  Are you running some sort of “support program for the differently-abled”?

*** That’s slang for “Humvee”, rather than slang for “Blow job”…

**** i bought a mirror to replace the one i lost when my ex collected the family heirloom dresser.  i bought the mirror 6 weeks ago.  it’s still on the floor of my bedroom – and every day when i leave for work, i stop to check to make sure my ankles look nice.

***** But there’s gin.  All is not lost.

****** And some festive imaginary gifts from my imaginary friends in the blogosphere – tagged onto yesterdays post comments (thank you for ratting me out, Ms. Vita)

Tags: birthday, life, reality can suck my dick